It’s time for some tough love. This is one instance where I do encourage you to follow in the footsteps of my petite and sufficiently pumice-stoned feet.
There comes a time in your life when you realize that the majority of your friends are on the slow train to nowhere. Such a time came for me about three years ago. My heartfelt apology to everyone I was hanging out with around that time. The problem is that when all of your friends are losers, it takes you quite awhile to realize it.
This is because as a collective group of losers – you don’t se
em so bad. In fact, collectively, you’re pretty fun. No steady job, no direction, no responsibility. All the loserness makes for a rather exciting, carefree existence – but the problem is that it can suck you in like a Flowbee and start a downward spiral of which you may never see the end. But, you ask, how do I know for certain if I am, indeed, the sheriff of Losertown?
Well, as you may have guessed, I have the answer. I’ve developed a fool-proof 5 point questionnaire, entitled: How To Know If You Are The Sheriff Of Losertown
1. Are at least 75% of your friends college dropouts or permanently “taking off a year to save money / experience life / figure out what they want to do?“
2. Is grabbing food from anywhere but the dollar menu with them just not an option?
3. Do most of your friends avoid going to the doctor for what could be a life threatening illness because they “can’t afford health insurance?”
4. Do you notice that these same friends always have the latest and greatest phone/crackberry, video gaming system, or Apple product- yet continue to whine about not being able to afford their own place, an oil change, or dentist visit for their skankalicious teeth?
5. When you talk about long term goals and aspirations [while you guys are hanging out at Perkins / Ihop / or Dennys at 3 a.m. where only half of you are actually ordering food] are you often met with looks of disorientation?
Now. I definitely fit in to some or ALL of these categories at one point, but I broke free – which is especially hard in my piece of crap town, where all you want to do is find ways to kill time until you hopefully end up in a nursing home with a courtyard view. So that means you can do it too. Chin up.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Never been the Sheriff of Losertown but I have been the “Mayor of Simpleton”
hmmmm. i’ll be the judge of that bearman!
Whew…I only fit the No Doctor one!
well now enna… there’s a distint difference between those who lose their jobs forceably(you and i) and actually have goals and aspirations… as opposed to those who are just lazy beyond belief and revel in their loserness
OKAY, WOW!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Thankfully none of those applied to me but I have a very dear sister who just may be, if not the Sherrif, the Deputy of Losertown because i was laughing so hard at all your 5 clues. SOOOOOOOOOOOO funny!!! Hopefully the Losertown people eventually grow up and get their lives figured out before they die!!
i’m telling you rach… does she still live HERE? cus if she does, then she’ll be hard pressed to find any friends who DON”T fit into these categories… its really sad. it was me… it was me for so so long. and the worst thing was I’d leave one losery group only to accidentally insert myself in a MORE losery group. vicous vicious cycle.
Hilarious! You missed the group that plays darts and drinks til 2am though. Though I would say that those single men haunting Old Chicago before they are even dead meet and may even exceed the losertown qualifications.
well jo… i was trying to say it without actually SAYING it. but yea. they definately exceed the list in loserness. I wonder how many houses they all could have bought – collectively- if they’d of saved that money?
Thankfully I always avoided befriending people like this. But had I stayed in the glorious city of Beloit, like many of my previous friends and acquaintances, I would definitely qualify.
brandon. well, it’s not like i tied, per say. it just sort of happens at some point. It’s definatelly always the people that you continued to hang out with or reunited with from high school- they are almost always the ones that fill this category. one day you just wake up and realize it. and yes, it’s a thing with towns like beloit and you know, mine. it’s a black hole of mediocrity.
I think the problem in those groups – also comes from the fact that you all constantly tell each other you are NOT losers. And you think… hey, they are all doing it, so it must be ok.
Thank you Mom and Dad for raising me better.
its true jules. it’s almost like reverse psychology. it’s like, “hey, look at us! we’re so friggen lucky. we don’t have to get up in the morning. we can do whatever we want. living the dream. livin the dream” hah.
I know in my home town there was always the mantra “if you don’t get out while you can, you’re stuck here for life.” Many people didn’t believe it, and a lot of them are essentially stuck there. Cities like that just breed mediocrity… their parents did it, they just kind of fall in line. It’s the easy way out.
But man do our towns suck. It breaks my heart I don’t live there anymore… whenever my brother is home and goes out to the bars in Beloit, he always comes back with “so and so (from high school) said to tell you hi” or “I ran into (random person from my past, either school or The Ex) at the bar tonight”. I feel like I’m missing out on just so much.
lol. i know. i can’t friggen go out to eat ANYWHERE without either having my waiter be an old high school friend or seeing some random ex. ugh. its like a big, small town. Even when i was hanging out with the losers, i had my own business, etc. so i wasn’t totally sucked in. but the longer you hang out with people like that, the more you slip into that lifestyle without even realizing it
I know some of those characters… my fav part is the Flowbee guy’s mustache. He looks like he would fit into that group of friends nicely. Well, I guess not. He has a job.
hah. good observation pixel. the stache is amazing. he belongs in porn
well if he trepanns a big enough hole in his head he won’t be fit enough even for porn
thats true nurse. unless they just keep the camera on “the important parts”
lol thats funny, there are a few suburbs like that here, luckily my parents (despite their faults) did choose relatively good private schools and suburbs to grow up in.. i was always inspired to do better than everyone else haha. In my city there are a few suburbs like that. Sometimes you can even narrow down which suburb they are from by how they are dressed and the girls from how they wear their hair and make up. they all seem to dress the same have you noticed? Usually if you meet someone professionally who admits to living/growing up in one of these “loserville” suburbs and is a professional its surprising and you end up having more respect for them because of it… the thought behind it is.. “wow you are one of the few who got out! well done you!”hehe.
haha yea. susi, i’d say my town covers all spectrums. we are a suburb of chicago, unfortunately, a long time ago chicago shut down alot of their housing projects and shipped them all here. so there’s a big ghetto part of the town where people just don’t go. the rest is a mix between super wealthy and middle class. it’s pretty normal. HOWEVER, there’s something about this place that just breeds losers. no matter what your upbringing, people just have no motivation. i think its because we have a community (2 yr) college here instead of 4 year. its like high school all over again. so people can still live at home, go to school here and there and stay jobless. then they never move on to real school, real jobs, or their own place.
thats my guess.
Oh yeah. I figured that’s what you might be alluding to. Thanks for that. I hate losers at the moment, not that I ever like them but right now hate is an appropriate feeling.
yes jo. our convo definately inspired my late night writing last night! haha
its that mentality that you are still in highschool, its that never growing up thing gone wrong… like in that movie Step Brothers with will farrell and the other guy.. i wasnt a fan of the movie it had its moments but i think in my mind it depicts your picture very clearly to me haha.
susi. i agree. exactly like that. I thought the movie was a little bit funny but it seems like all of will ferrel’s movies have that same stupid humor that i’m so sick of by now
I’m not sure what’s better: Rockford’s community college, or Beloit’s liberal arts college that is notorious for being overrun by lesbians. Hm…
which one is that? beloit college? I think i considered going there actually (there aren’t alot of options when you know you’re mother will kill herself if you go more than 20 miles away)
Yes, Beloit College.
you hit the nail on the head; a definate true summary of that population.
haha yes nel. you know exactly what i’m talkin bout. hahah. oh perkins…
I shot the sherrif of loserville. But I did not shoot the deputy.
It needed to be said.
oh michael…
oh michael..
oh darling this was a funny one…FINALLY! but didn’t you drop out of college?! ok seriously where have you been lately i talk to your other lover more than you!!
of course i did my love. notice how it says at the bottom that I definately fit into some or ALL of these categories haha.
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