tv | Blunt Delivery: where honesty flows like boxed wine

If one was reading a book about my life, one might come across a chapter with a lot of crap about reality TV. You guys know that my very first paid writing job was writing recaps for reality TV shows, right?

Ohhhhh hecks yes.

Then, it’s like reality TV threw up all over my life and suddenly I was writing five news articles every day, 356 days a year, for the largest reality TV news website. Every morning, I was scamming the celebrity sites for breaking news. At night, I was watching everything from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to Jon & Kate Plus 8. In between I was eating Speidi Spaghettios. Oh, and don’t forget about the time I was in charge of recapping the overnight live feeds for Big Brother. I like to refer to this time in my life as That Time That Everything Blew. I remember my skin was breaking out very badly during those days, most likely an adverse reaction to Jon Gosselin.

You’ll be happy to know, however, that I managed to sneak through that part of my life without ever watching one episode of The Hills.

So ever since kissing that world goodbye and the ridiculous editor who complained if I drank my juice incorrectly yet couldn’t properly use a comma to save her life, I have drastically reduced my reality TV intake. Just the essentials: American Idol, if it isn’t infiltrated with country singers; an occasional food show; and every single season of The Bachelor and Bachelorette.

Sorry.

I realize this is a problem. It’s too horrendous.

And you know how much I love red roses.

I’ve done you all a favor in case you missed the Bachelorette 2011 premiere last Monday. I’ve compiled a short video reenactment of highlights from the evening. That Ashley Herbert is one lucky lady.

photo: abc.com

So Kenny, my metrosexual best friend and I are doing some errands around town, when my mom calls:

Mom: I have a pretty serious problem.

Me: What’s wrong?!?

Mom: I can’t watch any of my shows. And Dancing With The Stars is premiering tonight and I can’t watch that either!

Me: Why? Do you want me to tape it?

Mom: Well your dad said we need some kind of box to watch local channels now. They’re all fuzzy. Except I remind him to get one everyday, but he forgets to get one everyday.

Me: A digital converter box?

Mom: Is that the thing that will make the channels clear?

Me: Yes. Well, I could pick one up for you – I’m just running some errands.

Mom: Well can you get it tonight? I’ve already missed two weeks.

So Kenny and I go to Best Buy. Normally, my independent side refuses to ask for any kind of help from an associate. I don’t know why, but we certainly don’t have time to diagnose that tonight. I was in a HUGE rush, so as soon as we enter the door, I cringe a little and ask the security guy where the digital converter boxes are. He says, “See the Home Theater sign? Right under that.” Sweet. That doesn’t sound complicated.

Kenny and I reach the Home Theater section and wander up and down a few aisles. Neither of us see anything resembling what we’re looking for. We loiter around for a bit and I make eye contact with two associates, but they were helping other people.

digital-converter-box Me: Well, they HAVE to be here! Do you see anything?

Kenny: Really? Look who you’re talking to. Just ask someone or we’ll be here all day.

So a guy walks by and says he’ll be with me in a minute, but the minute never came. Eventually, I can’t wait any longer so I told Kenny to wait where he was and I’d get some help.

Me: Sir, I’m sorry. I’m in a huge rush. I just really need to find the digital converter boxes. I was told they’re in this section but I can’t find anything.

Best Buy Guy: Oh, sure. [he comes over to me and points] See right where that guys is?

Me: Yea.

Best Buy Guy: He’s leaning right on em. There’s a stack about 8’x4′.

And there it was. The most gigantic pile of digital converter boxes that there ever was. And there was Kenny, just leaning on them with a confused look on his face. Obviously, I had to snap a picture so I could make a public mockery of the moment.

For more of the Kenny Chronicles:

How We Met

How to Talk Yourself Out of Dating Almost Anyone

A Conversation at Starbucks

A Metrosexual in a Yankees hat

A Bad Gordita and Some Classy Water

Black Friday, Depression, and a Salvation Army Chair