Okay, the sheep.
As I’ve said before, I grew up in the country. I was a poor, lonely, desperate housewife child living in the middle of nothing. At some point, I presented my father with a couple of options. And being the great father he was, he never shot down any ideas. Directly, that is.
Me: Sooooooo, I was thinking.
Dad: Yes?
Me: Well, since we live soooooo far away from everything, wouldn’t it make sense for me to get a horse?
Dad: Why would that make sense?
Me: So then I could go places.
Dad: Do you have any idea what it requires to take care of a horse?
Me: Yes. And I can say that with absolute certainty, after watching the neighbors.
Dad: But you don’t even take care of the cats – I end up doing it.
Me: I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Mom does it most the time.
Dad: Well, horses are rather expensive, how about we get something a little cheaper and easier to practice on first?
Me: And then I can get a horse?
Dad: Of course.
Me: Okay. What did you have in mind?
For the next 2.5 years, I woke up at 5 am and transported 10 buckets of water and oats out to my pathetic herd of sheep that seemingly multiplied by the day. We started with two. Again, after school I’d have to rush home to repeat the feeding ritual. Then before bed, again. Three meals a day? What are these things, PEOPLE? Actually, no, they are just fat freaking lazy animals that you can’t ride, which have no self control and eat all their food in two minutes, thus it needs constant replenishing. Of course, in the wintertime, this ritual involved a snowsuit and a lot of tears. No one hates cold weather more than me. Every time I went to the barn, all the water buckets were frozen. As I sat on the dirt floor and chipped away at the ice so I could refill the buckets, I would pray for God to remove this burden from me. As I was praying, I felt my desire for a horse evaporate into thin air.
Eventually, my dad sold the sheep to some guy who turned them into a fine dining experience. All eleven of them. Last week, as we were reminiscing about this experience, I made a very disturbing discovery.
Me: Hey, remember when I wanted a horse, but you bought me SHEEP?%$#^!
Dad: [laughs] Oh man. That was funny. Well, you know I did the same thing with your brother.
Me: You did?
Dad: Yea, he wanted a horse too so I made him take care of the neighbor’s one for a winter. After that I said, “So do you want the horse or the motorcycle?” He took the motorcycle.
Me: Wait. What? Motorcycle. He got a motorcycle?! That is total crap. I didn’t get ANYTHING.
Dad: You never asked.
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