As usual, I couldn’t sleep. I ended up watching a classic movie called Penny Serenade. You know, black & white. Cary Grant. Some prude who never takes off her apron and always buttons her shirt to the top.
I have two words for this movie: lame.
I realize that classic movies are supposed to be the height of Hollywood glamor and awesomeness, but man, they suck. Hardcore. Total snoozefest. I’d rather watch a Matthew McConaughey chick flick. But you know what? I think I’ll keep it on my shelf so people can still think of me as one of those people who appreciates old movies. As a matter of fact, I’ll set it right next to my antique copy of War & Peace that I’m not even going to pretend that I’ve ever cracked open, which looks great right next to my vintage camera that I’ve never used.
This conversation naturally makes me think of other things that I dislike: women.
When I think back on it, women really haven’t changed all that much since elementary school, when I’d come home and burst out into the ugly cry over something a mean girl did. I was hoping that when I got past college, they would stabilize. Nope. Still crazy. Although the reasons behind the craziness may have changed with time, they are still, very much, crazy. Hating other women for no good reason. Asking their boyfriends the world’s most stupid questions. Flipping out on poor unsuspecting men. Bursting with ravenous jealousy. I can’t even count how many women I’ve been told that hate me, that have never actually talked to me.
Let’s look at a few demonstrations of female behavior over the past twenty years of my life.
[4th GRADE: the betrayals begin]
Me: Hey Annie, wanna come over tonight and we can organize our sticker collections? [Yes, we really had them]
Annie: Um, actually, I’m going to Becky’s house after school. Oh, I don’t think I told you that we had a talk and she wants to be “secret best friends” with JUST me. Isn’t that mean?
Me: Psssh! YEA! I thought we were all best friends?
Annie: Yea, but she wants to leave you out.
Me: Well you told her that was a stupid, crappy idea, right?
Annie: Well, actually…um…. we ARE secret best friends now. Just her and I.
Me: UM, so I see that our three-way best friend NECKLACES mean nothing to you! Huh? You lying, backstabbing, dirty little tramp!
[10th GRADE: the unwarranted hatred and jealousy begin]
Friend: [leaning in so close to me that I'm forced inside my locker] Amber doesn’t like you!
Me: What? Wait. Who the heck is Amber?
Friend: The girl who hangs out with Margie.
Me: I don’t even know her.
Friend: But she’s totally spreading rumors about you!
Me: What? Rumors? But why?
Friend: Well, she likes Andy. But Andy likes you.
Me: Ok. But how can I help THAT? Besides, I wouldn’t date Andy in a million bagillion years.
Friend: Well. She’s pissed. And she’s telling everyone you’re a spoiled beotch!
Me: Spoiled? That isn’t even kinda true. I work at Chuck E. Cheese and drive a 1964 Dodge?
[25 YEARS OLD: the false rumors and accusations begin]
Me: You know who I really like? Sandy. She’s so nice.
Co-worker: OH, that’s weird. Cus Sandy is not a fan of you.
Me: Not a fan?
Co-worker: I overheard her talking to someone, but I can’t say who. Anyway, she said that the boss favors you cus you got Employee of the Month again.
Me: But I out-performed everyone in the department? They would be breaking their own rules by not giving it to me.
Co-worker: Well I don’t know. That’s just what I overheard.
Me: What am I supposed to do? Suck at everything so Sandy will like me?
Co-worker: I’d try to stay on her good side if I were you. She’s telling everyone that you’re cheating on your boyfriend.
Me: WTF? I don’t even have a boyfriend.
As we can see, there is no rhyme, reason or logic going on here. And I’m not saying I hate all women. Just the ones who are ridiculous.
I have some fabulous lady friends.
OTHER PARTS TO THIS SERIES:
Why I Hate Women Part 7 of 8,964: Mind Warp Trivia
Why I Hate Women: Part 6 of 7,893
Dear Haters, Why Do You Love Me So Much?
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Very well written and engaging. I love how you come across as perplexed. “I don’t even HAVE a boyfriend!”
Good stuff.
Wow! What a coincidence. My wife hates women, too. Especially the ones who speak to me.
I’ve always said that it’s impossible for a group of women to get along together. They’re too territorial. My cat won’t even allow me into the bathroom, so I’ve sufficed with taking my whizzes out in the yard. Now, before you get disgusted and say that I’m killing the grass, bear in mind, it’s my neighbor’s yard.
So I agree with you, women are crazy. There were an astronomical amount of them in my sanitarium, and the numbers kept increasing.
Great blog, Brit! Now you can spend all of your time hangin’ with us guys.
PS: Don’t forget your Wonder Woman costume.
chris – sadly, that conversation really happened. its like, women just love makin crap up. what the HEAL?!
yes george. that is why almost all my friends are men. i just can’t deal with all the ridiculousness.
cats might be the only things more territorial than women. but women, man they are nuts!
LOL, I loved the conversation play by plays. I know more than a few ladies who have the same opinion. And old movies suck. Most are unbearable to watch these days, for me at least. Great post.
constant- on the old movies, i know right? doesnt it feel good to just let it out? just hate those movies. and those women.
Oh wow, that was good, and oh so much like my life! I don’t even have any female friends anymore, aquantances, yes, but actual friends that I hang out with? Not a chance…lol. They are such backstabbing biotches that to be around any of them for any length of time is beyond me!
How men put up with us, I’ll never know, why they love us, well that’s even more of a cunundrum. I guess it’s true, opposites really do attract
skye- seriously, its like my life has been on repeat for the past 25 years. over and over, same crap. I have about 3 decent gf’s other than that i’ve given up
“I’m gonna suck at everything so Sandy will like me” hahaha
That’s the kind of attitude I live by.
excellent strategy.
I’ve never ever understood why people (girls) think it necessary to fill you in on something insulting that someone has said about you. How is that helpful?
I loves you for reals. srsly.
mama- oh, i don’t understand anything that women do, much less this. They love playing sides. getting people against eachother. gossiping. i dunno – its like, a genetic defect.
hahaha! I’m QUITE familiar with good ole ‘Sandy’, and her ways.
haha… oh still hating my job. i bet you are. SORRY!
I have a few girl friends, but i always had more guy friends than anything. My philosophy now is “frankly my dear… i dont give a flying F*&k” when it comes to people who may not like me, however, i havent come across many hehe. which is nice.
But there is one EX friend, Carly whom you may be familiar with from my previous posts, she tried to start bitching about me to our other friends, now she has lost several friends as a result. huh! so there!
ps i agree old movies can be lame-O but i admit only one thing… i lllurrrvveeee old musicals hehe.
susi- i’m with you . i’ve always had more guy friends. THEN the girls hate you even more, cus they think you’re a flirt or a hussy or WHATEVER. i don’t know. but i seriously, just got along with dudes better.
I suppose when it comes down to it, the perkiness of breasts and need for sex keep women in decent demand. As catty as females may be to each other, there’s always some sad sack man willing to listen to uninteresting drivel about backstabbing, gossip, and pettiness. Why? Breasts and sex (and perhaps a nice home cooked breakfast on Saturday morning: waffles, eggs, and a little bit o’ ass on the side)
oh mvd. thank you for the daily dose of creeptown in the comment section.
We can be bitches sometimes…can’t we?! Great blog.
theresa… sometimes?
that’s a little generous.
We started an Employee of the Month back in HS where I worked. Most didn’t know that it was a joke and we actually picked the worst employee.
haha thats funny bearman. how could the worst employee not know he was the worst though?!?! (notice how i just assumed that was a guy.. my bad)
You beat me to it. Working on a similar post. I may have to title mine “Mean Girls.” Even though we are all women these days, it is as if we never left junior high. Too much estrogen in one place and look out if you are within the blast radius. Nastiness will undoubtedly ensue.
jen. well there can’t ever be too many posts on the horribleness of women if you ask me.
You’re just lucky you don’t have to date you crazy women. Seriously. The worst guys do is forget to grow up and constantly think it’s awesome to get wasted as often as possible and still enjoy a few fart and burping jokes. (We’ll ignore the cheating, fear of commitment, and other deeply embedded issues many guys have, because women share these.)
However, if women weren’t nearly as insane as they are, how would we have such entertaining reality TV?
I have a quote from an article about twisted women logic and how crazy you women really are, but it’s too long to post. If you’re interested, it’s here (scroll down to #4 on the list).
well, the women aren’t half as bad with the men as they are with the women TRUST ME brandon. we have it waaaay worse. and you’re right, without women, there would be sucky reality tv and i’d be out of a job
so I forgot about the whole chuck e cheese thing! and yep, most women seem to grow cattier with age. that is why all but 2 of my friends here in GA are men.
jo… sigh. why can’t you move back already GEES
>sigh< it is true. All of it.
The worst is the work these days because you have to “fake it” atleast you are your own boss now
yea, it did suck. jules, when i was at work i swear i just didn’t talk to anyone. however, somehow i was always still at the center of the gossip. but seriously, i just sat in my corner and got yelled at all day by customers
Women annoy me when they think it’s ok to spread silly rumors! I actually am dealing with some stupid drama from youngins right now. It’s so irritating!
meg- it is my fear that i will have daughters and i’ll have to guide them through this crazy life. i came home crying about every other day while in school
holy smokes…..
gossipy girl… mmm…this wouldn’t be the same girl that wrote you a freaking book email questioning you on your relationship status would it?
once you got there, she wrote me a long ass email about what a horrible team player I was, i was stuck up, and that nobody liked me. I don’t think anyone over 9 should be allowed to say, “nobody likes you.” seriously, now?
but there is nothing crazier than cheatin on your imaginary boyfriend.
haha jessica. it just might be! actually, i had no one in particular in mind… just a mixture of all of them. I HATE THEM ALL!!! but did you read how the CEO has finally admitted they are going to fail!?! hahaha
Must thank you for the brilliant comment on my site. Yes, indeed boring can be entertaining if packaged the right way. I guess it’s all about the spin. Thanks for keeping us laughing and always happy to shout out about your site. One of the few worth stalking.
haha – my pleasure, jen.
This is EXACTLY why I’m glad that I’m the only woman in the office. No drama!
ronnica -well you are truly blessed then. now i work for myself, so i’m the only drama i have to deal with . haha
Um yikes.
This almost makes ME hate women and I AM one.
I swear, I’m not like this. I don’t have the patience for this crap. Okay fine, I HAVE flipped out at my husband but only because he insists on leaving his dirty clothes all over the floor when we have a perfectly good laundry basket.
amber – i mean, HOW HARD IS IT to put it IN the basket? no, it’s not a basketball hoop, and you suck at bball anyway. NO it’s not a floor decoration that we aren’t supposed to touch. What is the difference between throwing them directly next to the basket and actually putting them inside?!?! nothing except my sanity.
How awful! I’ve met some really fantastic women lately. The kind that have your back and really help out when you need it. I would hate it to be stuck in that sort of drama. Ugh.
well thats awesome beth. good for you. nice women are hard to find… i have a couple good girlfriends that i’ve known for a long time – i don’t expect to hve many more than that in life. so i guess i’m pretty lucky too
You forgot a reason, or at least one of my reasons…they are your best friend, calling, going out on weekends, you name it, until they find a guy. Once the guy is found, your friendship doesn’t exist. Forget speed dial, you’re not even on the contact list.
These are the reasons why I stick out like a sore thumb in this stupid little town. I can’t STAND the females here (all except one and mostly it’s cuz she’s like a dude).
Your comment on SITS brought me over.
Hey! My little icon guy looks kinda like the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Marinara be praised!
RAmen. (google it man, you’ll thank me later)
hellz yeah… ikeep updated on that shit… lol…
its laughable
I worked in a place with all women and a place with all men. I would work with all men in a hearbeat!!
The women were mean and vicious……….the men were a piece of cake, it was like being in a day care!!!
Hilarious post, and sadly, often true. But don’t despair! There *are* nice women out there. Seek us out. We won’t gossip about you or badmouth you behind your back before stabbing you in it. Plus everyone in the world doesn’t have to like you. just a few good solid friends make it all worthwhile.
oh, alex. thats a good one. and you know what else? i’ve been in like 80 freaking weddings and now i don’t even talk to any of those people… um, hello!?! i totally got jipped out of alot of money and time over the years. haah
hey mammaducky – fancy seeing you here. well, thanks for stopping by!
seriously zelzee… and a woman boss?!?! oh, well why don’t i just kill myself right now.
I saw that you had commented on my blog so clicked you to come have a look and love your blog!! Anyone that can make me laugh has to be put on my favorites list so I can follow along. Thanks for stopping by Phat Mama, look forward to reading your posts!
thanks for stopping by PHAT! glad you enjoyed yourself
Well written, i wouln’t usually read all the way, but you got me hooked. I will be back here.
hey, thanks atunbi =)
p.s. i usually don’t read all the way either. hah.
Yep sounds about right. For the most part women suck.
I found the best way to be good friends with women is to keep my distance. Seams the moment I let my guard down and take them in as a friend, they walk all over me and take advantage….and offer nothing in return. :-/
Then again they probably think I’m some sort of stuck up b*tch…..
But back to those old movies….I used to love them when I was a young girl…..and never understood why my mom wasn’t excited to watch one. Then I grew up….
BTW….have you noticed how the characters / actors in the movies tap their ashes on floors and furniture? I once saw (don’t remember the name of the movie) a detective smash his cigarette out on a woman’s floor. What the heck is that!? Have these people never heard of an ashtray? Have they no respect for other people’s property? It just about freaks me out every time I see it.
haha. no i never noticed that robin. but i agree with the women… they always walk over me and use whatever i tell them against me. UGH. they think i’m a snob too, just cus i’m not very open with new people—because of aforementioned experiences. i’m very picky now who i open up to
okay, I have to go watch some netflix movie, so I can’t finish reading this post. But I can tell it’s awesome, so I’ll come back and finish it later. Because I have serious issues with women.
And also? I notice that you’re saying ‘beyotch’ or ‘beotch’ a lot lately…which makes me think of Dave Chappel, who happens to be one of my favorite comedians. And that is so dude-ish of me. Which is probably why I have trouble getting alone with most women.
See how I roll?
Damn. Alone = along.
Oh my gosh.
‘which is why I have trouble getting ALONE with most women’???!!!
good lord.
I am not gay.
for the record?
I am SO NOT GAY.
I’m just a really bad typist.
okay. just finished the whole thing. I think you just have to figure out which women are worth your time. My friends rock the block. I cut out all the haters a few years back and life is so much better now. Seriously. At my age, who needs drama?
The Essential Bastard gave you a plug, so here I am. And, damn, lady, you’re funny! Thanks for the laughs!
thanks for stopping by suldog!!!
I don’t get this post. I’ve had way more issues with guy friends. My girlfriends have been my stable and gotten me through the worst moments of my life. Granted, I don’t know what random women walking past me on the street are saying, but who cares???
However, guy friends pull the old, “Let’s hang out and drink beer because you’re my best bud” and then they freak out when you date their brother because they have liked you since 5th grade but never actually told you (and by the way, your best bud dated your SISTER, but that was just to be near you!) Whatever. I find men way more confusing. And they lie. Often.
haha. yes todra.. they do lie. i don’t know if they lie as much as women but they definitely lie. i guess i’ve just always been around men and i’ve had so many problems with women (them hating me without ever talking to me, or being jealous thinking i’m gonna steal their bf) that i’ve found it easier to hang around men. I’ve always kind of been one of the guys and i’ve managed to have lots of strictly platonic relationships with them.
Holy ‘insert particular diety, philosophic approach or favourite fruit here.’ You made me chuckle big ones with this which is a relief coz I was doing some big women hating (not big women per se as I think my hate could make me quite the feeder and you’ve got 2like a little bit of your own work) ANYWAY, I found the picture at the top of the page and if that’s you, I want your babies but as a man that comes across as a threat so I’ll settle for any other relations you want to cast off. Keep up the writing which doesn’t mean much really so I’ll pretend to you I’m a genius poet or something. I’m a genius poet I have a cape and everything. Everything was going so well until………..well I choked on my mayonaise sandwich and stopped my famed hello rendition…………goodbye my friend goodbye. Keep it going sista.
dearest winston –
oh, what to say to that… wow. first, thanks for reading my blog!! glad you enjoyed yourself in my end of the world. you want my babies?! well, that will be a tough one cus i don’t want kids… yet anyway. and uh, i didn’t realize genius poets donned capes?
I have been around women all my life, I’m 44 and all I want is to just have a break from them. Married very young (she asked me and I have no idea why I said yes, oh yeah, that’s right, she bonked my brains out every night because I was a decade younger then her and I guess I made her forget about her age), broke up to marry another one who dragged me overseas to be with her. Why did I do that? I was raised to be courteous, polite, generous, honest and manly around women and you know what? And who taught me to be that way? My mom. Finally after a lifetime of living way too close to them I’ve decided I’ve just had it with them. I wish I was a homosexual, but I’m living proof that your sexual orientation is NOT your choice. I’m 100% hetero and it’s just a f*#ing curse. I’m secretly starting to dislike women, their neediness, their paranoia, their smelly underwear that I actually wash (I hate washing women’s clothes). And yet I’m always trying to be that man that women want – I’m a lie. And I hate it. It’s not worth the price, not the sex, not the intimacy, none of it is worth the price man like me pay.
oh steve. it sounds like you’ve had a run in with the crazy half of the women out there. i regret to inform you, we are all crazy, just in different ways. You have to admit that guys have their problems as well…but i’m with you – i’d much rather have to deal with dudes than females. thats why almost all my friends are men. women exhaust me. but i will say one thing. .. i am. not. needy.
First of all… I enjoyed your post. You are a riot. Secondly, I find it very upsetting that I fell for that whole “be a gentleman” thing because in my experience it is bull****. I have been a consummate faiulre when it comes to women when I actually LIKE them and care for them. As soon as I couldn’t give a damn about them, they want to have MY babies. Unfortunately, it is a long life and I really don’t feel like being alone. By the way, you are a good looking woman. Don’t sell yourself short, there are good men out there. They just don’t look like Brad Pitt.
well well jimmy… thank you for stopping by! yea… being a gentleman usually doesn’t work unless the woman is MATURE and can appreciate it. this comes long after her crazy phase where she needs to date a million people and be a raging slut… its just how it is. And the reason why those girls that you don’t give a crap about want your babies is cus they are immature and clearly, needy – because they will settle for less than they deserve.
thanks for the advice
I guess I should become a raging slut myself.
jimmy – perhaps?
It’s funny how small-minded people love revering to misogyny and sexism for kicks. Then again, I guess it’s all you folk have left–racism not being cool anymore. Too bad you have to live now and not fifty years ago. Then you coulda been sexist AND racist.
Now, what if you’d had the kind of luck where most of the Jewish people you’d ever met had in some way been unpleasant individuals? Would you be jew-haters? Would you be writing an anti-semitic blog post?
Specimens of both genders exhibit undesirable characteristics. HUMANS exhibit undesirable characteristics.
Just so you know, your blog makes you sound like an idiot. Now according to your logic, I should assume that you are an idiot because you are a woman. According to my own logic, you are an idiot because you aren’t very good at thinking things through. I hope you improve.
hahaah. oh leroy. that was hilarious. thank you for the laugh.
i like tom boys. most women however literally suck.
water – agreed. thanks for stopping by!
I just found your blog. It’s hilarious. Enough said. Women are more like Frenemies, you never know when they are going to attack you. Besides you know your fabulous when you have haters.
@ Todra:
stupidass
@ Steve:
amen brother
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