It’s a simple question. And one that I kind of need answered in the next few days. K thanks.
So I’ve been sitting here all morning trying to write about something – anything but the thoughts in my head. Preferably something ridiculous that would make you smirk and say, “Ok good, at least she’s alive.” Something just to let you know I’ve received your death threats, emails and cheer up tweets, and the absence has indeed made me grow fonder of you.
But all I’ve gotten is a headache from the glare of this computer screen and trying to figure out what the heal I can possibly write about in a blog titled “Black Friday: Is This When I’m Supposed To Tell My Parents That I’m Black?” Let this be a lesson to you – write the post and then title it appropriately. Got that? Post —> Appropriate Title; not Title That Could Never Make Sense No Matter What You Wrote —> Post.
And amid this struggle, I received a phone call that reminded me of what’s important in life (aside from coming clean about my ethnicity).
I’ve always believed that when things end, they must end badly. And not just because I’m a pessimist, because it’s just one of those certainties of life – like the moon and taxes – I never say death, because I still think that somehow my parents are going to be the exception to that one. They just have to be.
Well it seems a lot of things have been ending lately.
Relationships are ironic when you think about it. You spend early days together lying in fields of possibility and imagining how life with that person is somehow going to escape the pitfalls and mistakes of past loves. Their every breath excites you. Each text brings a stupid smile to your face – the kind of smile that your friends find really irritating when they’re in the middle of telling you an important non-funny story. You give them a key despite all of your previous bad experiences with key-giving because you just have a feeling it’s going to be different this time.
Fast forward two years and buildings and roads exist where fields once were – roads that have taken you in opposite directions and led you to places you never thought you’d be. Texts have gone from compliments to grocery reminders, and you start having those fights about nothing – the ones you thought you were exempt from.
Then one morning you wake up and think, “Am I one of those people?” One of the fake happy people? You remember what your mom always told you about how passion and excitement wear off and love takes a new meaning over time. It’s children and obligation and commitment. It’s comfort and stability. And it either gets better with time, or it doesn’t.
So what determines whether you make it? Is it just old fashioned dedication? Is it because you can’t possibly live without that person? Is it realizing that sometimes no matter how hard you fight, you just don’t have the strength to make it? Is it finally throwing caution to the wind and everyone’s expectations and doing what makes you happy? Is it having confidence in yourself and your intuition? Is it learning how to accept imperfections and appreciating the grass on your side?
Who knows. I’ve never had any answers for you.
But here’s what I do know. You invest years of time and energy into someone; and when you think about it, time is all any of us have. You learn all their favorite things. You have dinner parties with their family and friends. They rearrange their apartment so it suits you both better. They buy you a toothbrush. You blow off your important things so you can show up to their important things. Your lives merge.
Until that one day when it all stops for whatever reason.
And the next thing you know, you’re fighting over books and who gets the Netflix account. You’re saying things you don’t mean just because you want them to feel bad, the way that you feel bad. Maybe you wanted it to end. Maybe you were devastated. Maybe you felt relieved. Maybe you couldn’t sleep for days.
Or perhaps there wasn’t any fighting. Maybe you just left because you didn’t know what else to do.
Either way, it’s a loss. A void. And it’s sad that a person who used to be on your Verizon 5 Faves is now just another person on the list of people you have to hide behind a shelf to avoid when you spot them in the chip aisle.
So, maybe, we just shouldn’t do all that.
Maybe, we should all be adults. And realize people are human. And we let each other down. And that we’re not all meant for each other, but that doesn’t mean we have to hate that person or pretend like we don’t see them.
Cus at one point and time, they were the only person you cared about seeing.
And, hey, they even bought you that toothbrush.
I have returned to blogging over at Celery and the City where I write about clean eating, healthy living and post allergy and gluten free recipes!
bah.
i can’t even form proper words here.
i kind of just want to say i love you.
<3
also, i totally have a plan to get a weekend off in march.
i'm going to stop now, before i get caught up in the rambling. we all know i'm a chronic rambler. but so much of what you just said up there kind of makes me feel better about life. maybe it's because i'm in inexplicable dibilatating physical pain today and it didn't hurt to read this. or maybe it's because you make me feel less crazy. whatever. i always feel a little bit more comfortable with my perpetual single status when you go on about relationships.
oops, almost with the ramble there.
hope you have an funtabulous weekend 🙂
ummm. you WILL have a weekend off in march. we have to plan it around when nikki will be here!!!
and you’re just awesomesauce. i appreciate you and your support sooooo much you don’t even know! xoxox
This post, although bittersweet, was well worth the wait. Your words are like liquid gold, something I assume you retained custody of in the breakup, as you haven’t skipped a beat.
I’m sorry for your breakup, and although we all handle things in our own way and many platitudes can be spouted about the nature of relationships blah blah blah, any ending bring a certain amount of mourning. Whether it’s over the loss of the person, the security or the time spent.
But in the end, we take something away from every piece of us we give to someone else. We learn, we write, we drink bad wine, we sometimes forget, we sometimes don’t, we move on. If you need anything, I’m just a couple states away. And as much as I would like to be black on Friday, I have no ass and dance like a Polish white girl, so that’s not happening.
1. stop yourself. 2. you flatter me and i don’t like it. 3. actually, keep it coming. 4. but let’s talk about you some more… cus you just wrote a book! 5. yea, we do take pieces of everyone…. and man, i’ve got quite the random mix over here.
Here’s hoping you got to keep the toothbrush. xx T.
haha. thanks Miss T. 😉
I’m really sorry. Thinking of you. Sending so much love 🙂
thanks diane!!!
Well, first, I’m so freakin’ happy to see that you posted today.
OMG, I was having Blunt Delivery withdraws – I missed ya!
*sad face*
turning into
*happy face*
And I must chime in with Abby and say this post, although bittersweet, was well worth the wait. GREAT post, girl!
And it’s ironic because as I was reading your words, I couldn’t help but be reminded of my partner and I waaaaay back in the 80’s, when we broke up. Here was a relationship that I had bet my life on that it would last forever, but it didn’t. It took me years to get over that and yet, “I” was the one who ended it. I just knew it was time to split after five years of trying to make it work. At the end, all we did was fight and call each other names, so it was time. We didn’t speak again for almost 15 years, but when we did, we ended our conversation by sincerely saying, “thank you for being in my life and all that you taught me.”
“So what determines whether you make it?”
God, I really don’t know.
But I do know that after you’ve tried for severals years to make it work, by accepting the person for who they are, I think you can still love them but also know when it’s time to move on because you realize that the things you were trying to accept about the person…..are just not acceptable.
Is that failure?
No, I don’t think so. It’s just knowing what you don’t want.
It’s just as you shared so insightfully….
“And that we’re not all meant for each other, but that doesn’t mean we have to hate that person or pretend like we don’t see them.
Cus at one point and time, they were the only person you cared about seeing.”
X ya, bestie!
well you are just the best, bestie!
and thank you for your kind words and support as always. you guys encourage me more than you will ever realize! yea, sounds like you can relate to my situation… it’s definitely not easy especially when you’re both two good people… but just not good for eachother.
have a great Tgiving Ron. love ya!
I keep coming back and re-reading this post…
hoping I’ll come up with something to say that will be… enough.
As you know, though… words fail me. Especially when I need them the most. Please hang in there, B.D… I know this will only make you stronger somehow…
(stunning images – as always – by the way… SO nice…)
aw you’re sweet. thanks ink. have a great thanksgiving in your new place!
I. Just. Love. You… the end.
right back at ya 😉
I’m still bummed that I didn’t know you lived in Chicago when I was visiting earlier this year. Lucky Jess.
booooo…… hiss!
My dear, I’ve been asking myself the same questions lately. It’s been a month or so, since I ended a 6-year relationship and moved out of our house. I don’t have any solid answers yet but, I can say that doing THIS (“Maybe, all be adults. And realize people are human. And people let each other down. And that we’re not all meant for each other, but that doesn’t mean we have to hate that person or pretend like we don’t see them.”) feels a whole lot better than the other options like being angry & fighting. Sometimes you just have to “send people off with love” even when it hurts. *Big Canadian Hugs*
i mean. i just think it’s silly how we all act. like as soon as the relationship is over it’s like you never knew that person and won’t acknowledge them in public. really? i mean, you invest so much in someone and it just shouldn’t be that way. like i said, we’re all just people at the end of the day.
There are times I would give anything to meet you in person then there are times it is a frightening prospect. Just sayin…
hahaha. oh granny. um, thanks? 😉
First of all, I’m really happy you reappeared on the blog front. Was getting kind of worried that you had decided to move on from the blog too.
All I can say is that I’m so sorry. Your mom is exactly right. Love changes in its forms as your relationship grows. It is about realizing that you just don’t want to live without this person by your side even though you’ve seen each other at your best and worst with more wrinkles and probably a few more pounds. It’s scary and tough sometimes but you get through it and keep moving on.
Hang in there and know that everyone in bloggyland is sending you good thoughts. Take care of yourself and eat lots of pie over Thanksgiving. Pie always makes me smile.
p.s. I’m glad you posted. I was just about to send you an email to find out when you were going to reemerge.
aw thanks Jen! it’s cus of all you wonderful peoples that I won’t quit this blog. Yea… there is something about sticking to it… but sometimes i think that no matter of work can help when two people just aren’t compatible you know?
No matter how shitty life can get, we can always write about it, yes? Sometimes, that’s all we can do before we hit the “Publish” button and then remember that there are still so many more stories to write; some painful and some joyous. When you look back on what is still a life in progress (as are all of our lives), you’ll certainly find more of the good posts than the bad. Promise.
Keep your chin up, you’re stronger than this…
ah, well you know no good song or book or anything was ever written out of good times. So, i guess if it weren’t for the downs in life we would be lacking creative inspiration. Thanks for your support Dan! Glad we’re virtual friends.
Oh hey hi there, Blunty! Missed ya. And… does this mean you’re coming out about ethnicity on Friday? Or that you’re actually a anorexic midget since you can fit into Hollister (god love ya)?
All kidding aside: Just yesterday I went to hang out with a friend here on Oahu (where I am doing work, damnit) and her neighbor had come to see her that morning. The woman is 49 years old, met her fiance on eHarmony while he was on sabbatical. Moved all the way from AZ to HI to marry this doctor who also gave her a ginormous diamond.
Sounds awesome, right?
Except for the fact that she has now discovered he has a fucked up childhood, essentially no longer speaks to her much, she can’t find a job out here, and he told her she looks old and wrinkled. Oh, yeah, and their sex life? Well, for starters he decided they should wait til they’re married to have sex, she “services” him once a week, but he never reciprocates. In two years has never reciprocated. And now she’s stuck on this island away from friends and family trying to figure out wtf to do.
All things change – sometimes for the better, and sometimes not.
oh WOW.
i just don’t even know what to say. that poor woman. I guess as they say, things can always be worse. I am definitely aware of that. Life for me has more blessings that I can count so I have nothing to be sad about.
And yes, I’m coming out of the ethnicity closet. It’s about time.
For my wife, I tell her anytime I feel like I am not appreciating her as I should, I remember back to how miserable I was before her (in or out of a relationship) and it makes me step up my game.
Missed ya. Have a great Tofurkey Day! Eat lots of crap.
awww that’s sweet. and i think that appreciating someone is key. no matter what. have a good Tgiving too Bear. Thanks for always being around!
agreed. can’t say more. its all an experience.
noch
sigh. yep it sure is.
agreed. can’t say more. its all an experience.
noch
Blunty, I wish we could meet up for Borders Cocoa Trios, so we’ll have to settle for cupcakes, Kit Kats, and something else equally delicious. Maybe dipping the cupcakes in hot chocolate?
(Hugs!)
ugh. my xmas is ruined without those cocoa trios. and thanks girlie!
Breakups really do suck. 12 months ago, I broke up with my partner, someone I thought was forever. Even though it was my choice to walk away, it was soul-shattering and heart-breaking – my world turned upside down and I didn’t have a damn clue what I was doing, or who I was. A year on, the dust has settled, and I have figured out so many things about myself (such a cliche) – it’s been pretty enlightening and terrifying, all at the same time.
During my breakup, someone sent me this poem. I love it.
“After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.”
that was just fabulous.
thank you so much for stopping by. i look forward to stalking your blog!
Oh no thanksgiving madness made me not notice this until just know. Hopefully you’re still in the mood to hear how absolutely brilliant this is and how much I wish you weren’t in the necessary situation to write such wonderful words!
aw thanks hannah. i hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving and I have returned to the blogosphere!
Yah. I just read this. Who the fuck am I?
Do you still think I’m cool – even though 5 minutes after meeting you I was touching your hair and saying “it’s so SHINY!” ??
hahaha. i love you even more because you fondled my hair. 😉
PS: This piece simply beautiful.
I’m very sorry to hear about your loss! It’s always hard when relationships end, but it seems like you’ve taken the mature approach to it. I hope you meet the right person soon. 🙂
thanks pauline!! it is always hard to end something with someone who meant so much to you and there is always a feeling of loss. however, sometimes you have to just walk away knowing it isn’t right, but there is no reason for hard feelings.
Back the F up! You’ve been black this whole time? So, by reading your blog, I’ve actually been all hip and edgy because of my cool african american blogging friend? You need to tell a sistah this stuff, yo! Day-um!!
I am so sorry to hear about your break up. I understand the staring at the computer screen because you just can’t find anything interesting or fun to say because of being heartbroken. My MIL just passed away, and I find myself in that funk. But you persevered and wrote from your heart instead, and it was beautiful and poignant just the same. Thank you for sharing that with us and I hope in time your heart will heal and you will find another special someone to share your crazy world with. Hugs to you!
I lost count of how many times I tried to comment on this post.
Each time, I would write some long redundant paragraph about how inspiring you are and how it blows my mind that someone can be both hilarious and thought-provoking and ALSO how jealou–er, I mean, “amazed” I am that you can say more in a few short paragraphs than I can say in an entire Moby Dick-length novel. And each time, thanks to the muthaf*ckiniwanttopunchyouinthecyberneck internet access in Oaxaca, the minute I hit submit I’d lose everything.
Now that I’m in a more touristy area where the internet has to be dependable if they want business, all I can say is you’re of my favorite people that I’ve never met.
(And I’ve not met A LOT of people.)
first, you are just amazing and you need to stop it.
you’re a thousand times the writer i’ll ever be, but hopefully not nearly as ridiculous.
Thank you so much. You’re one of my favoritest people on all the INTERNETS
This is more devastating than when Tom and Nicole removed their toothbrushes from the vanity. Why isn’t real life like eHarmony commercials 🙁
fricken e harmony
Hey there – I just found you through Ron’s blog ‘Vent’! I’m glad I dropped in.
What a great post. I love the way you’ve summed up the whole experience of loving and losing in a very real but at the same time humorous way, and I LOVE the photos you chose to illustrate it.
However, I’m here to tell you that long term relationships can and do work. I guess I was lucky, because I met my soul-mate at 16 years old, and married him 6 years later after we’d both played the field a bit. We’ve been together now for 37 years (how the heck did that happen?? I’m sure it was only a couple of years ago we walked down that aisle ..) and have two grown boys.
Me, I think the key is choosing wisely – or perhaps I should say ‘luckily’ – in the first place, because I know for me, just working hard at it wouldn’t have been enough. You have to actually LIKE your other half, as well as love them.
well you said it exactly right – if there’s anything i’ve learned is that you can’t be too careful when choosing someone to settle down with. And i have been very careful. And i’m confident that i’ll wind up with the perfect fit 🙂 thanks for stopping by!
i could go into my own dissertation about love and what-have-you, but we’d be here all day. just know that i understood everything you said.
😉 i know you did
I can’t tell you how much this post resonated with me. I’ve thought the very same things, and ending a relationship with someone so significant to you – someone you dreamt of forever with – is terrifying, saddening, maddening, confusing, empowering, so many other “ings.” What I like to focus on is the empowering. Empowering because I had the strength to let go of something that wasn’t right. Not everyone has that kind of strength. Empowering because I’ve now opened my life up to the possibilities, instead of settling for OK. Empowering because if I can survive this, I can survive anything. Letting go of forever with someone who isn’t right for you is embracing a happier forever for yourself – one that is uncertain right now but that will be on YOUR terms. Enduring, true love isn’t always fantasy, perfect and happy-go-lucky. But just because we have to let go of that perfect love (because it simply doesn’t exist – we are human, therefore not perfect), doesn’t mean that we have to accept less than perfect – for us. I believe that you will know when it is right. And I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Those reasons aren’t always evident, however. So the hard part is just believing it’s out there, even if you can’t see it. Like gravity. Or calories. 🙂
Sorry – didn’t intend for my comment to be a novel, but I just feel for you and hope that anything I’ve learned from cancelling my wedding/getting my heart broken into a million little pieces might help you through this hard time. Take care of yourself. And keep writing – that was one of the most beautiful posts I’ve read!
that was a wonderful post catherine… thanks for taking the time. I believe that we know when it’s right too… we don’t give our gut feelings enough street cred.
Thanks for posting this interesting reply aswell,some people can find it helpful.
This post moved me, Blunty. (I didn’t mean that to sound as corny as it probably does.) I guess we’ve all been there. All I can say is that I’m sorry, and that you WILL feel better. But I’m sure you know this and it’s annoying to have someone tell you. But sometimes it’s what gets me through shit – just knowing that I won’t always feel that way, I just have to wait for it to pass. Sending hugs your way, baby doll.
you know, i’m really ok. I am. Just MIA for awhile sorting things out. It was the right decision and we all know it and we will be much happier as a result.
You will get over this, I loved how you chose the pictures to illustrate your feelings, just stay optimistic and think positive ALL THE TIME and you will see life isn’t that hard no matter through how many bad moments we go !
thanks for stopping by Ivonne and for the encouraging words! You are absolutely right and I have a positive outlook on the situation! I know it was for the best!
I know what you mean. Just last week I had to confess to my parents that I was a man trapped in a man’s body. They seemed to take the news fairly well…
As for relationships, it takes two to Tango. It’s impossible to control someone else. And unless both of you are willing to work at a relationship, it’ll never last, no matter how much you will it to be so. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Time heals all wounds (or, at least, scabs them over pretty good), and a better day is close than you think.
hahaha Herman! that was funny. Thanks for stopping by, first of all. Yes, agreed. You have to both be willing and you have to be able to communicate with eachother. I guess that really is #1, without that, it’s just doomed no matter how hard you try
The ending of the article makes it perfect 🙂
Keep posting endings like those hehe!
thanks Belmund!
I have been thinking about you quite a bit lately. Hope you are well. Perhaps it’s the most wonderful time of the year that I attribute to you. I hope you have seven trees in your house and as I type this your listening to some christmasy mix. Cheers! Happy Christmas.
H
Thanks for replying earlier Blunt Delivery ! Glad you have a positive outlook, that’s all that matters !
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I’m so sorry I missed this post. So beautifully written and one that came from deep down in the heart. A heart knows what a heart knows. Unfortunately, your heart wasn’t meant for his, but it will find a great partner sometime down the road and it will tell you when the search is finally over.
I know why I did miss this, though, because I had my own nightmarish Black Friday that threw our little family off guard and into a tizzy. You can find it if you go to the “Showcase” page of my blog, if you are the least bit interested.
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