“Indian people seem rather unemotional in my experience… Then again, my experience was with your ex-boyfriend who snorted $300 of heroin a day. So that could be a bit of a generalization.”
-my Dad.
I am currently watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon. I love this show, but not because I love it. Patty Stanger has nothing on me in the relationship knowledge department – and certainly not in the hair department. Right? I’m loving this show because I discovered I still have cable even though I cancelled it in December. Take that, universe.
It has come to my special attention that I not only suck at blogging and mysteriously have bootlegged cable, but that ALL of my readers hate women. Especially the women. I like to think that we would all be cyber friends even if we weren’t united by this sentiment of hatred, but I can’t say for sure. Here’s to hoping on rainbows and leprechauns.
MIND WARP POP QUIZ: Please raise your hand if you’ve ever found yourself trapped into one of the following questions –
1. Are there any cute girls where you work?
2. Does this make me look big?
3. Do you like my new haircut?
While you’re pondering that, I recently had drinks with a woman that I don’t hate- V from Uncorked. And maybe a pizza. And a tuna wrap something or other. Have I mentioned how smitten I am by this kitten? She’s everything she’s cracked up to be (except for that time she blew me off for her couch and a couple of Pugs) and if you don’t read her blog then don’t come crying to me when your life ends up in shambles.
NEWSFLASH: when it comes to women, there’s no winning. In my experience, if I try to befriend them and put my best self-deprocating, non-threatening-hoodie-wearing foot forward, I will inevitably suffer the consequences of their certifiably nutty minds snapping at some point. Don’t be fooled- this process can sometimes take years. However, if I gravitate toward male friendships, then I’m a boyfriend-stealing hoe with daddy issues who is starved for attention. Some might think of this predicament as a lose/lose, but I just think it’s great Sunday night entertainment. What else are you gonna do, watch golf?
Strap in, because I’m about to blindside you with the point of this post. Except I don’t think I can legally call it a blindside if I warned you first. Since I’m not a heartless bastard who hates things without concrete reasons, I will now dispense reason 7 of 8,964 of why I hate women: Mind Warp Trivia. Let’s look at question #1 and it’s possible answers. You might think you know the correct one, but I can assure you that you are sorely mistaken.
1. Are there any cute girls at your work?
a. No sweetie, not at all.
b. I haven’t really noticed to tell you the truth.
c. Eh, there’s a few that are alright. Certainly not on your level, but they are okay.
d. I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.
Unfortunately none of these are correct. Regardless of what you choose, the answer won’t be satisfactory because it is a trick question. If you choose (a) she won’t believe you; if you choose (b) she will accuse you of lying; if you choose (c) she will be pissed that you are looking at other girls; and if you choose (d) she will say that’s bullshit. This is a mind warp trap with the only way out being a fight. Even simply breathing will cause a fight when presented with such a question. With that being said… Good luck!
Why I Hate Women: Part 6 of 7,893
The answer is (a), because the only girl there under 30 is currently 8 1/2 months pregnant, and everyone else is married or divorced, has kids (most are teenagers or older), and quite ugly. And if she doesn’t believe me, she can come to work with me. Maybe she can even be friends with the one who is clearly 100+ lbs overweight and has three kids. Or the one that complains about her ex-husband all the time. Did I mention just about all of them smoke? (Well, except the pregnant one. I think.) Hot.
This is all assuming I would even date some crazy woman that would pose such a question to me in the first place.
And wait, NOW you’re meeting up with cyber friends? I think I’m offended or something. I’m not sure yet though.
brandon- you’re back. punk. and you’re correct in your assumption on point A. and run for the hills at the first moment you are asked a trick question of any sort, i know you’re smart enough to sniff out such a trap. Welllllll……. she was travelling through and mentioned it on facebook so i suggested she meet me for a drink. i was super happy she didn’t turn out to be a man.
kevo – hahahahha. i’ve missed you! yea, even if you said you work only with guys that still wouldn’t be a satisfactory answer.
V- next week. you better not blow me off homeslice. and you will never be on my hate list. your dogs, perhaps.
“I work with dudes.”
“Oh, so you’re gay now?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying, there’s just a bunch of guys at work.”
“You work for a sexist entity. I don’t like that.”
“You said ‘tity’…”
Oh you… I’m so happy you don’t hate me because I love you like I love the sound of a champagne cork popping off of the bottle. Am a little disappointed in your photoshop skills – I thought I asked you to skim off around 30 lbs or so? Anyway, we will hang out again soon – and this time I won’t have to continue on the darkest scariest drive of my life.
I don’t necessarily hate women…I just hate bitches. And in my experience, bitches can come in any gender.
Actually, male bitches are the WORST. The. Worst. The only person worse than a guy bitch is that chick on Millionaire Matchmaker who ran away from that nice, dapper older guy who bought her a red dress and who Patty kicked out of her office. Remember her?
SUPER BITCH.
j- oh my GOSH….. i watched that one the other day. first of all WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER NOSE?!?!?! and her EYES! i mean, who the crap runs away in horror from a good looking man who wants to take you out? she literally said that patty was making a fool of her cus he was A HUNDRED> i mean, she had already seen him through the mirror. WHAT A PSYCHO.
bear – that first question is directed towards men. the other two could be to men or women. and uh, I am acquaintances with a large amount of women with daddy/body complex issues. shocker.
jes -my dad fricken rocks. and for the record, i’ve never asked ANY of those questions
I am so confused by that questioning. Are these questions that guys HATE to hear or that you hate to hear?? Because if the former I get it but the latter and I am wondering if you are acquaintances with lesbians with body issues.
There is a correct answer – don’t hook up with the kind of chick who asks questions like that. I mean, c’MON! We may be few and far between, but I assure you, we DO exist. I think. I can’t be the ONLY one out there! *sniff sniff* I feel sooooooo alone!
P.S. I love the quote. Your dad rocks. . .
yay – I’m glad you had drinks with V!! She is amazing, and I love her! And I always get sucked into those Bravo marathons, even when I think the show is incredibly stupid and makes me doubt the survival of the human race…
mmclaughlin – v is amazing. we are all united in that thought. i know right, what is it about bravo marathons? they suck me in every time.
carissa – aw thanks girlie. right back at ya.
mr c – oh, stop yourself. i will try to post more pictures for you, even though you never return the favor… what up with that ha?!?! let’s see your mug up on that blog. Hating V and Lola would be like hating myself.
Yall look so cute! I’m sure that even though i think most women suck in person, that I’d be friends with you both. Glad you are blogging again. I misses you!
oh dear god you two look so good! I was wondering when I checked your blog whether you’d have another picture up (you usually do) and then you came through with this!
Don’t hate V and don’t hate Lola.
Love Patty from “Millionaire Matchmaker”, she keeps it real, calls people out with big time accountability, and I love watching the fall out from people who aren’t used to hearing the truth freak out.
I’m always a bit relieved to know that my husband checks out cute women…makes me feel like less of a dog for looking at other guys.
But you know I’m a dude deep-down.
Which is exactly why I form good friendships with guys. There’s a certain laid-backness that comes with age, and mentality, I suppose. Many women (and male-beeyotches) never get it. It’s SO freeing! But it can be lonely at first.
My closest friends are:
Women over 50
Men ages 25-90
Dogs (over 15 lbs)
The last time my husband worked with a cute girl he married her 🙂
I can’t even comment on the women thing because OMG! It’s V! And you! And I’m so, so so jealous! Why are you both so hot? Wtf?
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Oh my…and here I’ve always thought that I was the only woman who couldn’t stand other women. You’ll have to add me to the ranks, I’m afraid.
Question number 2: Does this make me look big?
The best answer for that in my opinion (although it makes women REALLY angry) is the blatant truth. “No, the outfit doesn’t make you look big, it’s your fat ass that does that!”
I know, I know, I’m not the biggest lover of women either 😀
Okay, Bear just did it again, stole my comment. I was just over at Addanac City and he did it there as well. Brit, I’m as confused about these questions as Mr. Bear is. Please enlighten us as to who these questions are being asked by and who they are directed at. Although, really does it matter considering we are in the world of Blunt Delivery at the moment. Okay, forget that, I totally understand! 🙂
You are so right about question #1, there is NO right answer. I am lucky to be with someone that is secure in herself. But most guys are just totally handcuffed by that question. You DO NOT suck at blogging, in fact your blog is one of the best written and funniest ones i read. Yours, The Crabby Old Man, Zodi and Talon are some of my favorites to read. But why do women hate other women so much, men seem to get along alot easier ..hmmmmmm zman sends
I have the attitude that I really am not concerned about the girls at work. Of course, that attitude cost me two husbands.
Maybe I should have paid a little more attention.
Those questions are always a mind f*&@K. I hate to say this but my personality is starting to become more like a man’s. The petty bullshit that most women dish out drives me nuts. I am choosing to boycott the dramas whenever possible. I have a feeling you and I would get along. Always good to see you back in the blogosphere.
Here’s the thing (I think, anyway): Women, by nature, have oodles of potential to be awesome. Our beef is that [most] women don’t know how to appreciate the awesome and do feel threatened and get all stupid-insecure. It’s a disease to which, unfortunately, there is no cure.
Are there cute girls at my work? No idea – I’m just looking for the awesome.
Post more, girl! You are misssssed.
LOL. I work in Risk Management. So when/if someone even has the guts to talk to me at work about a hot girl, I say, “Don’t dip your pen in company ink.” And if someone outside of work asks me about the women I work with, I give the lame-o response of, “I work in Risk Management – you should not be asking me this question.” LOL. Yes, I’m that boring.
But for what it’s worth, years ago I married a hot intern.
P.S. Like Sandy said, I hope you start posting more regularly. I miss your rants!
@ sandyb:
Try not to make excuses. That’s how the women became the way they are.
I hate everybody in general… including myself.
Suck it
We where happy for 1.5 years and then it all changed. We where in Amsterdam and got engaged. after that she never really wanted to wear the ring. her daughter wanted us apart and she stopped to communicate with me. When we where in southport UK she ignored me the whole weekend and Easter Sunday she wanted me to break up with her. Coming back to Ireland and 2 days later she had a new boyfriend. not giving me a reason why she wanted to break up why she felt the way she did nothing … no communication no emotion. she got me a x-mas gift December .. Brian Adams tickets .. she is going to take her new boyfriend to concert. can someone explain to what happened?
Women today. Not women of yesterday, are complete sluts and whores. Most of the younger women whore themselves to death. Everything is about wearing short shorts, short skirts, blouses without bras, shirts without bras. Why are they sexualizing themselves to death? I am sick of it. Women need to have more common sense and dress conservatively and by that I mean wearing less revealing clothing. It’s not wise to dress loosely and like a harlot. Shame on all you women who dress like sluts, then get sexually provocative and then scream rape! It’s your own fault!
Wow! Exactly!
I remember that question :D. I told her a less sensitive version of answer choice ‘c’: “Of course their are. There are cute girls everywhere, but I love you.”
This didn’t result in a fight, but the bitch did ultimately cheat on me so do the math.
That’s because you, being a man, think it’s about “winning”, when maybe lol she wants an honest opinion. Maybe answer her questions without ulterior motives (getting her to like you/satisfying her/whatever the hell you want) and she’ll respond more positively.
not all women are like yr women
i am a woman too
and i am white nonsmoker not fat at all intellectual etc
but i hate men
for the same reason that u hate women
men are generally bad
women are generally bad
thus people are generally bad
i happened to have a bad father and a good mother
my bad father mistreated my good mother and me and my two sisters
so i married a bad man too
but then i bore a good man
my son
and i am good too
i told u,not all people are bad
there are good men and women
like my son and i
my daughter in law is a lucky pig
she doesnt like me cos i am smarter much thinner more educated and capable
and she is a pig
i know u will think that i am the pig
but ull be wrong
Here’s the thing. For me hatred is subjective. You’d think that you’d find it hard to hate someone you didn’t know. But the world of celebrity proves it’s possible, but to know someone is to hate them. And so it is with women. The closer you get, the more riduclous a creature they become. I don’t hate all women simply because I don’t know them all (amen to that). I’m not sure I could muster enough hate to go around to frank. But it would be fun trying.
I only hate women who speak or move.
I’m fine with the rest.
Women are only good for two things.. getting fcked in the ass andum.swallowing cum..
so many GARBAGE WOMEN that god created today. what was he thinking? i never realized that there were that many LOW LIFE LOSER WOMEN now, unlike years ago when they were certainly MUCH MORE EDUCATED. read a book on HOW TO TALK TOO MEN BETTER, and lose your ROTTEN ATTITUDE.
I love your posts. We’d get along perfectly. I like smart, funny girls, and you’re the bomb on this.
woman are an insecure species. their calculated selfishness is destroying the world than man built. have fun wasting your equal wages on make-up you clowns. men built this world, women do not know how to operate it. good luck when its too late girls.
i don’t women, i just hate their nature
women do not deserve equal wages. i have never seen a woman equal the work of a man
I think the only reason are pissed about your comments is that you only talk about reasons you hate women, and not reasons you hate men. But if you do hate male bitches too, I’m glad.
I’m not offended by your post, and I believe you dislike male bitches equally. The only thing I think you might be wrong about – is you may believe this behavior is more specific to crazy females than crazy males. I can assure you, as a bisexual female, I’ve found both sexes to be equally guilty of such kinds of trick questions.
I’ve dated some mad jealous men, who think I must be hitting on men every time I go to the grocery store. And some extremely insecure men who whine about being fat or ugly all the time and constantly expect me to reassure them *sigh*
e) “Sorry dear, but I’ve been deceiving you all this time. I don’t actually work. I live off a trust fund, so I spend all day playing at the arcade and then drinking at my favorite bar.”