Dear Matthew McConaughey,
Can you make a different movie already? Wait. What was that? OH, you can’t. It’s physically impossible? Okay. So I can just expect the same movie with the same plot and same actress, where you discover you were some sort of “bet,” and then you get fake mad, and then storm out, only to read an article that the girl wrote in her column about you saying that she really was in love, so you chase her down via boat or scooter at the end of the movie, in a outdoorsy scene set to a cheesy made-only-for-a-girly-movie song?
Well that just hurts my heart,
Blunt.
As you can see so aptly demonstrated in this picture, I have set lofty expectations for myself in 2009. Obama isn’t the only one ushering in “CHANGE,” kids.
One thing I’ve left off the list is working out. I always thought there was no need to work out unless I was borderline obese. Well, after sitting at home and being subjected daytime talkshows for the past 4 months, I’ve realized there might be reasons other than just the threat of morbid obesity why I shouldn’t sit in my chair for 12 hours straight everyday, eating assorted leftover holiday candy. But is that gonna stop me? The fact that you even ask that question makes me realize that we aren’t as tight as I thought.
So check it. One of the few only downfalls of working for yourself, is that you have to shovel out money for health insurance. And you better believe, I’m not doing that. Nonetheless, my father feels otherwise.
Dad: You’ve got to get insurance. What if you have a big accident?
Me: I sit in my office 24/7 and I never leave the house. What’s gonna happen?
Dad: Diabetes from your sedentary lifestyle?
Me: Okay. Fine… I’ll look into it.
Well, my dad knew there about as much of a chance that Angelina Jolie would stop adopting exotic children than there would be of me actually following through with that statement. So about a week later, I get a text from my friend/insurance agent saying that my dad picked out a policy for me and I need to come sign it. Oh. Seriously?
A couple weeks later, I begrudgingly go to sign the papers. As I’m sitting there shooting the breeze and answering questions about my gastrointestinal family history, I notice a fax cover sheet on top of my file. From my father. And it reads:
To: Justin From: Denny
Subject: Please call me if my daughter “forgets” to come in and sign the paperwork.
For a split second, I had to recover from the whiplash I experienced from my dad throwing me under the bus, until I realized that my dad was absolutely correct in assuming that I’d probably blow this off and then tell him I forgot. Then, just when I thought I was in the clear – I got a call from the insurance company:
Insurance: Hello, this is the insurance company, we’re trying to process your request for a policy. Can you clarify some things?
Me: Sure.
Insurance: So, your records show you were admitted to the ER in 2006. Can you explain that?
Me: [honestly, not even remembering that happened….] Um, I really don’t remember.
Insurance: It says something about shortness of breath and hyperventilation?
Me: Oh… oh. Yea. Anxiety attack. Forgot about that, sorry. Crazy boyfriend, don’t ask.
Insurance: Ok. Well has the problem been resolved?
Me: Well, he’s across the ocean now, if that’s what you mean.
Insurance: Okaaaaay. What about the x-rays you had on your leg in 2007?
Me: Oh… yea. Forgot about that, sorry. My hip pops out of joint at random times and I can’t walk. Hurts like a beotch.
Insurance: Pops out of joint?
Me: Yes. They told me I need to exercise to strengthen the ligaments.
Insurance: So has your exercising resolved the problem?
Me: [I don’t recall saying that I actually took the advice?] Uh, suure. Why yes, it has.
Insurance: Good. And lastly, why did you go to an ear specialist?
Me: Good question. He didn’t fix crap.
you left out the McConaughy part where he’s kinda sweaty and has his shirt off for some unexplained reason in each of his movies. it’s explained only in the sense that it’s freaking mcconaughy and he’ll do what he wants- without a shirt on.
ha. oh yea….kevo. well there’s so many critical parts that i left out, such as taking off his shirt, someone getting a makeover, an angry dancing scene, a broken engagement and/or someone leaving someone at the altar.
I found you by visiting Weekly Injection Of Chuckles and I have to say, I’m glad I found you!
Matthew did make something of a different kind of movie, Surfer Dude, where I’m pretty sure he acted like he does in real life. In almost every scene there was a joint in his mouth and I don’t think he wore a shirt throughout the entire movie. It kind of stunk. Actually, he kind of looked like he stunk, too.
And I’m the same way with getting things done. I think it’s some kind of subcoscious kind of rebellion or procratination or something. Even if I’m the one who came up with the idea, as soon as someone tells me to go ahead and do it, I start putting it off.
Great blog, I’ll be back!
thanks for visiting tracy! now everyone at once… “welcome.” yea, i heard that matt doesn’t believe in deororant in real life, so he probably does stink. forreals.
too many mcconaughey details will drive you crazy. best if they remain unspoken at times i suppose.
So I am pouring over your 2009 list and I read it wrong the first time.
“Finish the Whitestrips I started in 2007”
I read Whitestrips as “WhiteStripes” and thought…”oh you slutty girl are they even together anymore”
haha bearman, you crack me up. the whitestrips… they are so white trashy
Hola
Great post and must agree about the Matthew movies. Stopped going to see them after an unfortunate rental of that terrible one with Kate Hudson. Not the most recent one when they are on the boat but the other one before that. See, they all meld into one.
Still trying to get your button on my site. Think it’s a problem with my site and not your code block. Of course, the website help is only via e-mail which is akin to talking to someone from the IT help desk in India on a bad connection. Hence, no worthwhile help.
But, got a link to you so all my readers can at least find you.
Thanks for making me laugh this morning!
hey jen! yea, i don’t know, it might just be your blog layout, cus there were problems with it, but i fixed it and tried it out- seems to be working fine =( thanks so much for trying though~ ugh, you have to send it to india… that blows. then they’ll have to get a translator for your email and that could take ages! good luck. haha
Oh, but God BLESS his beautiful, muscled, hot, sexy, curly blonde-haired heart! In my opinion, it just doesn’t matter what he does on screen, as long as his shirt’s off. I’m not listening, anyways. I’m not big on the unwashed pot-smoking thing. “But I’d change all that!” (Remember? I’m Scarlett O’Hara!) But I’m huge on everything else. He’s positively precious!
haha, well nina. because of that thought process of you and many others -that is what enables him to keep making such dreadful movies! ahh! you are an ENABLER!
First of all… you have a garage? I’m jealous.
Second – those whitestrips expires… so don’t waste your time… cross that one of the list.
Thanks for the shout out 🙂
I met Matthew McConaughey a couple of years ago… he was so drunk he could barely walk straight and he posed with a gnome for a picture. True story.
jules. haven’t we discussed that my condo beats your condo’s @ss? i have a two car garage with a huge storage area too. mwahahahahaa. they expire? what kinda crap is that.
He was in Tropic Thunder, and he didn’t even chase after a girl in it! Instead he was just thrown into his typical typecast personality, but as an agent for an actor… and was acceptable in his supporting role. However, I am disappointed that you had to make it a goal to not watch McConaughey movies, I would think it would just be instinctual to avoid them at all costs.
I was going to make a list of goals for this year, with the first one being “stop procrastinating on everything”. The list has still yet to materialize.
Your dad knows you too well. In fact, that would probably freak me out if either of my parents could predict me that well.
he was in tropic thunder?!?! ugh. you’ve got to be kidding. i can’t even believe they made that movie. yes, justin, if you are reading this you are welcome to leave a comment reinforcing the fact that my dad did indeed send that fax. its true brandon. sigh.
Sheesh, B.D., you know and I know it that the “McKonAhaaay” is HAWT! Who can resist his twangy southern, texan, somewhere identifiable (australian?) accent? Not to mention the his subtle swagger. And the fact that he is completely unaware of his devastating effect on generic, clueless women. Oh, and the carefully constructed scenes that require him to flash his 6-pack. I will be standing in line at midnight to see this movie! Sheesh again, why has this man not been honored with an Oscar?????
****
“Sell ring that slumdog millionaire gave me” LMAO (Am I too old to say that?) You’d be able to afford that insurance though.
LOVE your list. Except for where you slam my Matthewwww. 🙂
mama- so many matthew lovers around here! aah! i mean, he’s alright okay. but i’m just not a fan of blondes, maybe thats it. or terrible actors. or people who make the SAME MOVIE OVER AND OVER. come on, that new one with the ghosts of girlfriends past?!?! you’ve got to be KIDDING ME
Is that white board located in your home office? In other words, is it something a client might stumble upon while visiting, if you weren’t quick enough to knock it over?
Goal #1 sounds intriguing, especially if by “fight” you mean “cat fight” in the physical sense.
As for the “decent hairdresser,” hock the ring, use the cash to score yourself a Flowbee, and cross both off the list. At very least, it’ll tear out any split ends.
mvd. enough with the flowbee already its not happenin. And yes, the board is in the home office. and no, clients don’t visit me. one of the many blessings of my job.
Matthew McConaughey is physically not capable of making movies other than the stupid lovey-dovey chic flics that always seem like the same movie over and over again.
My wife and I saw a preview for his new one and I honestly said, “Didn’t that already come out a year ago?” They all look the same. Talk about being typecast!!!
LOL.
complainer – his new movie is an equal mix between the family man and 13 going on 30. i can’t even believe what i was seeing when that ad came on. who would go see that!?!?! if he ever loses his abs in a freak accident, he’s screwed.
Tropic Thunder was actually somewhat amusing… mostly because of Tom Cruise’s ridiculous character. And Robert Downey Jr. At least it’s better than most of the crap people pay to watch these days… although that’s hardly a ringing endorsement.
Oh, and I finally got around to posting something new. It only took… a month?
Blunt-
Of course I was kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess I don’t do sarcasm well. ;-(
i figured you were kind of kidding mama. but i just don’t know anymore cus every where i turn i find there are so many people who like him. brainwashed by his abs and scruffy appearance and unruly beach hair. aah!
I really do think he’s hot, but, like I said, I don’t actually listen to the movies. I mute them, and light some candles, and…where was I? Yes, his movies are awful, but they provide me with light-hearted entertainment that I don’t have to think too hard about. I’m ok with that. And the His Hotness, of course.
yea i agree nina. except fools gold. i mean, i fell asleep in the first 10 mins. that was RIDICULOUS
There’s a fine line between “typecasting” and “recognizing the limits of one’s ability”. I believe in McConaghey’s case,it’s simply the latter. But hey, he does have that movie coming out soon where he’s visited by ghosts and discovers that a past love. . . um, yeah, like you said.
yea chris. i guess its better for him to realize that he isn’t capable of anything other than the same character that he’s been doing for the past 20 years. it would be weird seeing him try to save the world with a hubcap or something.
brit – yeah they expire .. and “what kind of crap is that” the kind they want you to buy over and over and over ….
yeah your condo wins. By far.
I hate my home.
Blog to follow.
you may want to give tropic thunder an honest chance. it’s basically all those people making full fun of themselves. i went in skeptical but left thoroughly satisfied.
kevo, if i watch that and it sucks.. well then, there will be severe consequences.
helloooo work has been keeping me so busy who woulda thunk it!? and therefore have had no time to blog 🙁 but i think matthew mcmuscleman isnt all that hot. so many girls “omgah he is like totally the hottest thing ever!” where he does nothing for me.. not his dimples, not his smile, not his tanned muscley body… definately not his acting… im sorry… i just dont get what all the fuss is about.
thank you susi!! finally, who knew, i’d have to go all the way down under to find someone with some sense!
Okay first of all – Matt “ROCKED” in Dazed and Confused. He gave the greatest line … “Do you know the best thing about High School girls? I keep getting older and they stay the saaaame age”. He’s like my favorite pedophile!
Secondly Kate Hudson was both funny and hot in “How to lose a guy in 10 days” … which makes that movie my favorite “chick flick”. Actually it’s the only chick flick I’ve ever seen … but I liked it!
And finally … move to Canada already. Health care is FREE and marijuana laws are really lenient. God I love this country!!!!
Matthew McConaughey doesn’t have the sense God gave a rubber duck. Funny post once again blunt 🙂
thanks christina!
i would expect nothing less than severe consequences
kevo. the severest of the severe!
You’re doing a service here, Brit. Reading your captivating writings reminds me that I’m not as weird as I think I am.
Although I am as weird as YOU think I am.
I love the insurance company phone dialogue. After the part about “why did you go to the ear speacialist?”, I was expecting the answer of:
“Huh?” 🙂
I really enjoyed this one. Good work!
haha. thanks george. yea seriously, that guy didn’t do crap. i was like, um, i can’t hear anything its like my ear is plugged all the time. he was like, oh, sorry. haha!
Useless fact about Matthew McConaughey that rendered me speechless: He apparently does not believe in the use of antiperspirant… one thought Brit – EEEWWWWW!
The list is great and could not be more accurate. You are so funny.
haha. yea, pathetic, but true nel.
Stopping by from SITS, you are HILARIOUS!! This is SO TRUE!! haha
hey thanks for stopping by future mama!!
Eight of those goals are on my list.
Especially the last two.
Those white strips work, too! I wonder if they ever expire?
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