September 16, 2011

Before You Judge Me, You Need The Facts

in Confessions

You know, I feel like a lot of people make snap judgments about me. And it hurts. It hurts all the way from my chipped-nail-polished fingertips to my cold, blackened heart.  And when I hear these accusations, I cannot help but to curse the wretched stars, Carrie Underwood and the phrase “I heart it” for causing me to be so misunderstood in life.

I just don’t really know who else to blame.

But as long as you’re here, and I’m here, I thought we could have a box of wine and talk about our problems. But since I drank it all last night… I figured I could address some of your concerns instead. So, if you would, please sit Indian style and form a circle on the floor. If at any point in the demonstration you feel weird, it’s probably cus you’re wondering how you’re supposed to form a circle on the floor with just yourself. But please, try to focus on me cus we have bigger problems.

Accusation #1: I’m cray cray.

Well-thought-out defense: This is my father:

Like father like daughter. I’m just not quite as… shirtless.

Accusation #2: I’m lazy and have no desire to physically exert myself in any way.

Sort-of-thought-out defense: My friends coerce me into eating copious amounts of high carb-count foods in short periods of time, which spikes my glycemic index and causes lethargy.*

*fancy terminology compliments of WebMD

For example, I went on a girl date last weekend with my friend Dana to the apple orchard. Cus it’s fally and wonderfully out and that’s what we do in the Midwest.

Sidenote: aren’t my friends cute?

Disgustingly full and nauseated from the over abundance of sweetness from the apple pie a la mode before noon, we bought 2 dozen donuts. Then, as we’re about to leave, Dana sees a baked potato stand and says, “Oh, that will get the sugary taste out of our mouths.” That was the worst logic ever. But I’m not the logic police. The job didn’t come with a badge or a cool hat, so I was all peace out.

BONUS: this picture doubles as a handy tool to help you identify if you are an Italian (me) or a Mexican (Dana). If you choose jalapenos as your third potato topping, you’re Mexican. If you put onions on anything regardless of it’s a potato or not, you’re Italian.

Accusation #3: I’m a hot mess.

Obvious defense: None. But, you should just know that according to Lady Gaga, I was born that way. So, now I have to snap my fingers in your face and say get over it.

Accusation #4: I hate women, Neil Diamond, mayonnaise, smooth talkers and China.

Murky-but-still-valid defense: This can be traced back to the fact that I was born in a trailer park. If you’re unsure how the two are correlated, you probably didn’t attend college. Cus they would have explained it there.

So, to sum all of that up… you should probably feel bad about what you’ve done.

 

{Been a buuuuuusy couple weeks wrapping up projects… I’ll be visiting your blogs soon!}

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{ 57 comments… read them below or add one }

Bearman September 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

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I think everything is now validated.

“Like father like daughter. I’m just not quite as… shirtless.” That just lost half your male readership.

“Sidenote: aren’t my friends cute?” I don’t know? She might be cross eyed under those giant sunglasses.

Blunt Delivery September 16, 2011 at 11:31 am

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baaaaaahahahaha.

dangit. you males are so fickle.

and i assure you, she’s not cross eyed

Kelly September 16, 2011 at 11:39 am

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Dude…you’re awesome! I love you because you are blunt and honest so who cares what all those naysayers say. They can “suck my left nut”.

Blunt Delivery September 16, 2011 at 11:49 am

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whoa kelly!!! back and with some feisty. i like it.

Abby September 16, 2011 at 11:43 am

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I will judge you only if I can wear a robe and slam a gavel, as both of those things sound fun. Anyway, I judge you awesome. Anyone who disagrees with me can “suck my left nut,” as Kelly said.

Unless you weren’t kidding about drinking all the wine. Then I will be seriously pissed…

Blunt Delivery September 16, 2011 at 11:48 am

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gavel not included… only cus i’m broke.

i would never joke when the words “box” OR “wine” are being thrown around.

SpilledInkGuy September 16, 2011 at 12:13 pm

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I don’t know how much of this one I got, because I totally pulled a hammy during sit on the floor phase. I hope tree pose isn’t next… I’m already done for.

(Hilarious, as always, B.D.)!
:)

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:25 am

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hahahaha. sorry bout that. and thanks ;)

melani rae September 16, 2011 at 1:46 pm

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I got it all figured out. You are cray cray cuz you had a ‘binky’ till you were 4! ;)

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:25 am

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bahahahah! i was wondering if ANYONE would point that out!

G September 16, 2011 at 5:25 pm

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Thanks for the evening chuckle, and after living in a trailer park for the better part of ten years, I can completely understand the correalation.

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:30 am

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see?? i knew you’d understand

Ron September 16, 2011 at 8:40 pm

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“You know, I feel like a lot of people make snap judgments about me.”

Well, that’s probably why you and I are besties because people do the same to me. But I really think they make snaps judgements because they can’t quite figure me out, because they’re trying to place me into a ‘category’ but they can’t, so they think I’m CRAY CRAY.

Which I am. But, I’m proud of that – HA!

LOVE the photo of you and your friend Dana. What a great shot! You can tell you gals are good buds!

“If you put onions on anything regardless of it’s a potato or not, you’re Italian.”

Yup…you said it, girl! Italiano all the way!

ADORABLE shot of you as a little girl. OMG….so cute you are!

Great post, B!

X ya!

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:32 am

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aw thanks bestie~! yes, we are so misundastood….. just like PINK! That’s why were just meant to be bff and roomies and conquer the world!

Me September 16, 2011 at 9:40 pm

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‘Indian style’ isn’t politically correct. Seriously. All the four-year-olds say ‘Criss-cross applesauce’ now. I was shocked to find out. Speaking of four-year-olds, you were a cute one. And you NEVER share your wine with me. That hurts me. On the INSIDE. Where you can’t see. . .

Anyway, I don’t judge. And yay for onions on EVERYTHING. . . unless garlic gets there first ;)

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:32 am

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bahahahaha. since when did you ever think i WOULD be politically correct? haha

Dan Perez September 16, 2011 at 9:51 pm

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The lethargy caused by “copious amounts of high carb-count foods in short periods of time” is the undoing of many. I can personally attest to that. A crazy and shirtless father doesn’t help either…just a guess on that one.
Funny stuff as usual :)

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:33 am

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mmmmm. a crazy and shirtless father just adds to my overwhelming charm ;)

nursemyra September 17, 2011 at 6:32 am

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how cute was your 16 year old dad….

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:33 am

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i know RIGHT?

grannie annie September 18, 2011 at 5:20 am

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In this confessional circle you have created I am forced to admit that I still cannot put my pants on straight. Question: Are we to judge all your friends by the fact that you have shown us one good-looking one who you “claim” is your friend?

Sweeney September 18, 2011 at 8:20 am

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LOVE. THIS. You are just amazing. Beginning and end of story.

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:21 am

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stop it. stop it. stop it!

linlah September 18, 2011 at 2:39 pm

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Validation has never been so well validated.

bluntdelivery September 19, 2011 at 8:39 am

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i feel so….. validated!

Sandra September 19, 2011 at 8:07 am

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As someone who is currently following a low carb diet (’cause I like torture) lethargy due to eating copious amounts of high carb-count foods in short periods of time, which spikes my glycemic index sounds kind of like a plan! Let’s do it!
And yes, your friends are cute which might make me hate them a little…’cause I like to think I’m the fairest in the land.

Blunt Delivery September 19, 2011 at 8:43 am

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hey sandra! Thanks for stopping by!

my friends are supercute, i confess. you’d fit riiiiight in ;)

Jen September 19, 2011 at 10:28 am

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I’m reading this while in the car on the way to the Philly airport. Don’t worry, I’m not driving. I’m crazy too just not that crazy. I feel as though our childhood photos are vaguely reminiscent of one another’s. Something about those sweet athletic shorts made out of totally man made fibers and cut all wrong for a girl that look so cute. They were so uncomfortable but my mom got them for me too. Not sure how you stay so thin with all the carbs. Beware, the metabolism grinds to a standstill at 40.

bluntdelivery September 20, 2011 at 10:48 am

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hahahah. athletic shorts. right?

i just got whatever was at the garage sale that week. haha

Dr. Cynicism September 20, 2011 at 6:18 am

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Every one of those facts just made you exponentially cooler. But then again, we’re twinsies – I already knew that shit.

ps – how did you even muster the strength to leave the pie a la mode establishment in the first place? you’re stronger than me.

bluntdelivery September 20, 2011 at 10:47 am

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pssssssh. {shucks}

We had to get up and walk around or we were going to pass out. that’s how

maggie September 20, 2011 at 9:40 am

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I will fully admit to having made a snap judgement about you. i pretty quickly decided that you are awesome, hilarious, and i love you. Sorry?

In other news, I get snappily judged all the live long day. Sometimes it annoys me (my staff apparently respect me less because I have fun on the weekends… wtf?), sometimes it amuses me (every time someone is amazed by my age… especially when I’m out having fun on the weekend ;) ), but pretty much I’ve just accepted it. I’m pretty open about my cray cray. People just have to take it or leave it.

and now i am craving baked potatoes like woah. and pie. excuse me while i put potatoes on my grocery list and maybe some pie ingredients..

bluntdelivery September 20, 2011 at 10:45 am

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maggie.

there’s nothing to say to this but that you are so much more awesomer than I and we’re soulmates.

the end.

Pauline September 20, 2011 at 10:13 am

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“Then, as we’re about to leave, Dana sees a baked potato stand and says, “Oh, that will get the sugary taste out of our mouths.”

Sounds like sound logic to me! Hmm potato! ;)

bluntdelivery September 20, 2011 at 10:46 am

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hahaha. yep. i hang out with very logical friends!

Misty September 20, 2011 at 1:18 pm

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You say cray cray . . . I say perfectly normal to eat your weight in carbs and finish an entire box of wine.

It must have been your totally normal upbringing of binky sucking, high heel wearing, gym short clad, crooked clothed, trailer park living during your formative years. I mean, who wasn’t that girl, right? Hello? Anyone?

Blunt Delivery September 21, 2011 at 10:09 am

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hahaha Misty, I like chu already

J September 20, 2011 at 1:51 pm

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I can’t believe I missed this post when it first showed up. I LOVE IT. And I also love that apple pie with ice cream and putting onions on EVERYTHING (except apple pie).

The way I see it, onions and garlic and olive oil can make most things taste waaaayyy better than they originally tasted.

Annnd…if you’ve happened to check out that picture of me from childhood on FB, you know, full well, that I to0, was a hot mess from birth.

Blunt Delivery September 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

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you better have been a hot mess, or i wouldn’t like you as much ;)

Diane @ home sweet homemade September 20, 2011 at 2:48 pm

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that last photo is so adorable! what a little cutie pie in those high heel slippers. or whatever they are?

Denny DelVecchio September 20, 2011 at 5:52 pm

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Denny’s a little jealous of the bitchin doublewide.

Maybe more than a little.

Blunt Delivery September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

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hahaha, it WAS a doublewide!

thoughtsappear September 20, 2011 at 7:28 pm

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I’m going to start wearing my pants crooked, too. Don’t worry, it’ll catch on.

Blunt Delivery September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

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bahahaha. clearly i was trying. in ALL of the pics.

Susan, Super Earthling September 21, 2011 at 9:28 am

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Just found you through Dan Perez’s “5 Badass Women Bloggers You Should Be Following” post. The man was definitely right! :D

Wonderfully funny post! I look forward to reading more.

Blunt Delivery September 21, 2011 at 10:14 am

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aw thanks for stopping by Susan! you super earthling you.

Nikki B September 21, 2011 at 11:17 am

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OK. I don’t care what people say about you Blunty, we’re still friends.

And I would totally be all crazy and lazy and a hot mess (what do you mean I’m already mostly there?) if I had your metabolism. Happiness means potato bars and pie n’ ice cream before noon.

PS I assume by your photo comments that you still put your pants on crooked. Bummer. At least you always had good shoe style.

Robin September 21, 2011 at 12:21 pm

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Onions?……Is that what Italians put on everything? I thought it was garlic, olive oil and pasta. Hey, what do I know….I’m part Lithuanian, Dutch, German and a whole lot of other gosh knows what’s in here. And it don’t get any more cray cray than that.
As for you….I knew you were as beautiful as you are, way before I ever caught a glimpse of you in photos posted long ago (has it been years now?). And, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love your writing and the way you think. And I love that dad of yours too. He reminds me of my dad.

Wishing you a beautiful day ….

Robin September 21, 2011 at 12:25 pm

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Oh and…..all this talk about ice cream…..
(I had to go hunt this one down, but I knew you would enjoy it)
http://www.physics.usyd.edu.au/super/therm/tpteacher/jokes/icecream.html

Blunt Delivery September 22, 2011 at 9:52 am

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hahaha! thanks Robin :)

Goradde October 15, 2011 at 6:47 am

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i’m totally diggin your food pix.

Blunt Delivery October 27, 2011 at 8:51 pm

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they dig you.

Lea November 25, 2011 at 7:16 pm

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You’re funny. Cute pics by the way.

Roslyn Cross December 10, 2011 at 8:17 pm

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athletic shorts. Question: Are we to judge all your friends by the fact that you have shown us one good-looking one who you “claim” is your friend? And, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love your writing and the way you think. I can’t believe I missed this post when it first showed up.

Blunt Delivery December 12, 2011 at 2:42 pm

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hahaha. you just have to trust me roslyn!!!! thanks for commenting ;)

Ava Calhoun February 26, 2012 at 4:04 pm

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Well, that’s probably why you and I are besties because people do the same to me. Italiano all the way! Dude…you’re awesome! LOVE the photo of you and your friend Dana.

Brian Kings May 11, 2012 at 3:46 am

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The post is amazing:)

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