How To Break Up With Someone

At first I thought it was a cruel joke. But now I realize that the Osmonds really are never going to go away.

Okay. So in between trying to figure out how I can plan a wedding without losing my mind or offending everyone for life, and then choosing a honeymoon location where I won’t get kidnapped by Pirates, get beaten and left for dead in the town square by a bunch of unruly rebels, or come back with dysentery – I’ve thought a lot about break ups.

These trains of thought are unrelated. I’m pretty sure.

The engagement is still on. As of ten minutes ago.

Break ups are a tricky business. But if those feelings are starting to brew, then please, for the love of living vicariously can you please follow this simple advice?

I wish I’d of had someone to give me such guidance when I was your age.

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But if you are the one being broken up with, don’t forget that I made something a while ago just for you!

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Because I care,


37 thoughts on “How To Break Up With Someone

    • well. i was born in julio. so if we want to make a case study between the two of us, we were both pretty much born in June. That proves the truth of your statement as far as i’m concerned.

  1. - So because her mom thinks she is a failure, I am supposed to worry about that? NO!
    – Best time to dump someone is between January 15-20. You are past New Years and you probably had nookie so it’s best to wait a few weeks and it is at least 3 weeks from Valentines Day so you don’t look like a douche for breaking up just before so you don’t have to buy another present.
    – Could the next time you do a video, put onion dip all over your face and then when you are stuffing it with a potato chip wipe some off on the chip…that would be hilarious

    • bearman, if you had a heart you would. you know how it is when you get all attached to someone’s family and don’t want to disappoint them. i’ve heard people say that’s the ONLY reason they haven’t broken up with someone yet, cus of the family.

      no, you can’t dump someone before V-day. not enough time. after V-day they can recover by going out on St. Pat’s Day… the most ideal single holiday. This is well thought out bear, don’t question me!

    • thanks dumps! love that you love them. and yea, funny thing about that header is that box of mystery chocolates was actually given to me by an old man at the nursing home for Vday. hah

  2. Brilliant choice of dates between Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone DOES want to be single on St. Pat’s Day. And true story me = born in June too:) P.S. No Pirates in Branson, Missouri.

    • haha!! no way! come on jillsy, you didn’t think i’d forsake my advice-giving for the masses just cus i’m getting hitched?

  3. 1. I was born in June.

    2. I obviously didn’t pick the right time to break up.. It was October. Frankly, the holidays were rough… although, mom more or less celebrated him not being around so WIN for me.. Also, she (thank god) can hound my sister and my brother-in-law for grandbabies and she has decided I will never get married.

    3. If I find out we have any more in common.. I might pee a little.
    just kidding.. but seriously.

    • haha! knew it! me too.

      yea, you just CANT break up before thanksgiving… UGH. you gotta wait til spring, i’m tellin ya!

  4. Okay, first I have to say….I love the Barbie doll graphic at the top. You are so damn clever, girl!

    And second…..”everyone is born in June.”

    Bwhahahahahahahaahaha! Freakin’ hysterical line!

    And after viewing your brilliant video, I suddenly have the urge to slather on my Queen Helene Face Mask and eat some carrots!

    Glad to hear your engagement is still on.


    • i have a queen Helene face mask too!!!! what in the? is she the only one who makes them anymore? what happened to Freeman? I used to buy all their fruity face stuff back in the day.

  5. Luckily my wife is the best – hopefully I won’t have to worry about a break-up…
    but… can I still eat everything in sight AND totally get highlights? I really think it would bring out my eyes more.

    Also, have you seen that old Saturday Night Live Osmond sing into a make-out skit?! *cough cough* It’s a little brutal. But also eerily true-to-life… I think. :)

    • if you get highlights, we’re through.

      and no i haven’t. i just can’t stand the Osmonds. Ugh. It makes me mad hearing their voices

  6. Both my brother and I were born in March. I think my parents were celebrating their respective birthdays, just 19 days apart.

    I have to admit that I saw the Osmonds in a concert performance when I was in 6th grade.

    And there, it’s out in the open now. No more hiding in shame. :)

  7. um…..
    1) this one is born in June (of course)
    2) your video made me eat 3 cupcakes to offset your carrot/broccoli consumption
    3) step 9 is a life lesson. Try to contract dysentery before getting the puppy, you’ll thank yourself in the end
    4) you’re my hero

  8. someone should send this to my ex. . . who has a history of staying in relationships up to a YEAR after he knows he wants out, waiting for a ‘good excuse’ to break up with them. Yeah, I probably should have run for the hills when he admitted that to me. But beyond that, he broke up with me the first time 2 days after my birthday. Also known as the day our friends were throwing me a birthday party. Which I stubbornly still went to, ate chocolate cake they made me from scratch and watched a movie and cried. BEST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER. only excepting it was the worst. THANKS.
    (and, yes, there was a second break up. i took him back after that douchey move. big mistake, i know. second break up happened in june, actually… but that’s not my birthday month.. and at least i was free for the summer. turned into the best summer OF MY LIFE.)

    timing definitely is key when breaking up with someone. lesson i’ve learned? don’t break up with someone in their car. Especially when they can control the door locks and don’t let you out while they cry their eyes out and beg you to change your mind. That was awkward. (it was a full hour before he gave up and let me out of the car, true story.)

  9. I wish I had someone to break up with. Can I just use one of my friend’s relationships?

    PS I wish I could multi-task like you. Taking care of your skin and eating well WHILE giving advice?

    Amazing, Blunty. Inspiring as always.

  10. AHAHAHAAHA! You are awesome, Blunty! Love, love, loved this. So funny. I totally shoulda waited to break up with Tom. What a shitty VD (and birthday, actually). Wasn’t thinking there. Why didn’t you post this earlier?

    My first love dumped me two days before Valentine’s Day. My second love dumped me two days before my birthday. My third love cheated on my ass. Yay.

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