10 Phrases I Can’t Respect

I’m gonna start backwards from #10.

It’s just the right thing to do, according to David Letterman.

10.  A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

Additional comments: If I have to apply an algebraic equation to dissect your advice, maybe you should opt for just saying WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY.

9. It is what it is.

Additional comments: Oh, it is? Are you sure it isn’t what it is? Or perhaps, it isn’t what it isn’t? What happened to the the birds? Are they still hanging out in the bush? Or are they in my hand now?

8. The cream rises to the top.

Additional comments: So, let me just clarify -who’s da cream? From what I understand the ‘cream’ is supposed to be the better man, yes? But, in this scenario, the ‘better man’ will also lead to clogged arteries and therefore, ultimately cause a possible myocardial infarction. Please reconsider the philosophy behind this phrase. Or, just don’t say it cause it’s gross.

7. Take the bull by the horns.

Additional comments: So essentially, you’re assuming that I’m the stupidest person alive?

6. Dance like no one is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening.

Additional comments: Quick! Someone SAVE MY EARS!! P.S. Do I have your permission to use my hairbrush as a microphone too? Cus that is about the only thing that could make this scenario more awesome.

5.When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Additional comments: Oh what a sunshiny outlook on life’s difficulties! But lets not set ourselves up for disappointment here. If all you have are a pile of questionable lemons, when you squeeze them, you’re only gonna end up with a cup of lemon juice with a bunch of pulp and seeds floating all up in it. Now, if life gives you a lemon, a pint of sugar plus a gallon of filtered water, then I’ll accept the legitimacy of this poorly thought out suggestion.

4. It takes more effort to frown that it does to smile.

Additional comments: It also takes you more effort to say that, than to not say it. Just looking out for you, chatty.

3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Additional comments: Interesting theory, young Watson. But from what I’ve seen so far, absence only makes the heart grow fonder of people that it probably shouldn’t be fondling.

2. There is more than one way to skin a cat.

Additional comments: There is? What a relief! That narrows down the chances that I might have been doing it incorrectly all this time! Well, hot dog!

1.  The only thing to fear is fear itself.

Additional comments: Okay. I hear what you’re saying. But somehow, I feel like you’re failing to remember all the snakes and monsters and Osmond TV specials and stuff?

Honorable mentions: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Three sheets to the wind.

Use your best judgement,

Blunt

64 thoughts on “10 Phrases I Can’t Respect

  1. I believe all of my favorite quotes have been replaced by anything Charlie Sheen has said in the past couple of weeks (more specifically: the past couple of days).

    “What’s bipolar? I’m bi-winning!”

    I want some of his Charlie Sheen drug.

  2. My favorite is “opposites attract” Sure with magnets and sure it works for a little while when you are dating the hot girl who doesn’t have a single brain cell but in the long run someone who is opposite of you will bug the crap out of you.

    • ooooh, good one bear! that is totally true. It’s like, really? you hate doing EVERYTHING i like doing. awesome. let’s live separate lives and meet up for din din every once in a while, eh?

  3. you had me right until the end… I bloody well love “three sheets to the wind”. I don’t understand it, I don’t even care, but I have an inexplicable love for it. Though I tend to change the number up. Probably stems from my not understanding it.

    The rest of ’em, though, I could do without. I may use some of them at times, but I could survive without them.
    (though, a boy once said to me at a bar “i love how you dance like you don’t care what anyone thinks”… which may or may not have been a compliment? but I made out with him anyway. he was a good kisser. and now that ‘dance like no one is watching’ phrase has sentimental value.)

    phrase that fails to earn my respect: “hair of the dog that bit you” (i’ve been bit by a lot of dogs… literally. and figurtively. but the point is, literally, their hair does nothing to make the hurt stop.)

    also? “early bird catches the worm”. good thing I like cereal better than worms. and live alone. so i can sleep as long as i like and still get to eat.

  4. How ’bout “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?” Means the same thing as the bush one, but sucks just as much. I also can’t STAND it when people say “I couldn’t care less,” though it isn’t *quite* the same as those above, it still drives me batty. Even worse is when they say (and for some reason they always do) “I could care less.” Um. Yeah. That’s just saying that you do, in fact, care. But are too dumb to realize that. . . so go away!

  5. “9. It is what it is.

    Additional comments: Oh, it is? Are you sure it isn’t what it is? Or perhaps, it isn’t what it isn’t? What happened to the the birds? Are they still hanging out in the bush? Or are they in my hand now?”

    Bwhahahahahaahahahahahahahaha! OMG, I just SPEWED my morning coffee while reading that!

    HILAROUS, girl! And I totally agree. I hate that saying.

    X

  6. I can’t stand those “keep calm and carry on” posters. In fact, I don’t really like anything inspirational, unless it’s a non-cheesy thing I find myself and inevitably tattoo on my body.

    Also, I want to stab people that say wifey.

  7. Okay, so I’ve spent way too long searching for the Saturday Night Live Osmonds blue Christmas skit, but life is handing me lemons right now. It is what it is, I guess. 🙂

  8. I LOVED THIS POST!

    I personally am not a fan of “you always want what you can’t have.” ummm yeah. That’s why I WANT it. If I HAD it, it would be something I OWNED. Not something I wanted.

      • Yes. Let’s. Sounds magical.

        PS: I saw your comment about my new layout. Thanks – Caffeinated Designs did it, actually! I had been thinking about asking someone to help me do it for awhile and I came across their page on 20sb. I was looking at the samples and saw they did your page which I’ve always loved so I got in touch with them. I obviously couldn’t go as fancy as you since I’ve got blogger but I really like what they did!

    • hahaha. well, don’t get me started on the whole never say never thing. Justin Beiber has just elevated this to a whole new level of annoying.

  9. I say, ” I don’t want to beat a dead horse,” to my students quite often. They are apparently not familiar with this and laugh every time. I say, “I’m not joking.” It just sounds like I’m serious about beating dead horses.

  10. I never comment but this was just too good to pass up because I have spent the last few days telling anyone that will listen that “have your cake and eat it too” makes NO SENSE!

    see, cause what I think people are trying to say is that the person in question is trying to have two good things when they should have to choose.

    but how is having a cake and *not* eating it a tempting option? I mean, if someone offered to let me have a cake forever and ever or to just eat it umm… not such a difficult call.

    • hannah!!! welcome! don’t hide around here,…. show you’re purdy face!

      you bring up a VERY valid point. i’ve never known someone to possess cake and not eat it.

  11. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I like this version better: “When life gives you lemons, shove ’em in your bra. It can’t hurt anything, and it may help.”

  12. “kill two birds with one stone”

    So, yeah, I get it. The analogy makes sense. But who the hell could possibly hit two birds with one stone? That’s one hell of an arm. They’d have to be birds who fly in single file straight on top of one another. Ridiculous. And who would want to do that? Skinning a cat maybe. Beat a dead horse, no harm no foul. But killing two birds…that’s just wrong.

  13. I’ve noticed a lot of these sayings center around animal cruelty, which is pretty twisted if you ask me. What kind of a-hole are you to be seizing birds from bushes or killing them with stones? Or wrestling bulls? And SKINNING a cat? Mother. Fucker. No one should be listening to the sickos who made this shit up.

    Well done, Blunt.

    Speaking of blunts, has anyone every mistook this website for a marijuana courier service?

    • all. the. time. (in regards to the narcotics transport service – so many different ways to title that fake business!)

      oddly, it never once occurred to me when i started the blog.

      i’m so innocent.

  14. You, my dear, have officially made my morning. That being said, I’m going to go out of my way to say every single one of these today… just to bug you 😉

  15. Umm… I totally say “it is what it is”… is that why you decided to rescind you marriage proposal and marry that other guy?

    PS. My mantra is “If life gives you lemons, ask it for some vodka.”

    Of course, Life is often a lil bitch, so more often it’s “If life gives you lemons, go buy some vodka.”

    But, let’s be honest. Like I ever let that run dry. So really it’s “If life gives you lemons, go get the vodka from the freezer/liquor cabinet/kitchen/under the sink.”

    … too much?

  16. I never understood number 10 like you can try to explain it to me but I am so clueless that it will not sink in. And as for the other ones I’m afraid to admit that I do tend to say that, “it is what it is” and I think when I wasn’t as sarcastic or drunk I used to say those cheesy lines that looked like they were uttered by a Nicholas Sparks character (#6& #4).

    • i don’t understand it either kelly. what in the WORLD are you trying to say people??

      It’s funny how there is never anyone credited with that quote, like there is with all the great quotes of the world. That guy knew that he wasn’t “firing with all cylinders” when he came up with it. He didn’t even want the credit. He was just like, eh, let’s just call it anonymous.

  17. Love this!!!! I also despise “the grass is always greener on the other side.” Cuz ya know what, you still have to mow it over there. And I have issues with yard work in general. Not to mention that I’m allergic to grass. So whilst you’re carrying on about the lovely green grass, all I can think about is anaphylactic shock and how I wish I had an epi-pen…

  18. Oh twinsie… your sage advice is music to my ears. Your cynicism sings like a siren of the sea. (Alliteration for the f’n win!) I have another saying regarding the lemon thing, “When life gives you lemons, you cut down that fucking lemon tree.”

    PS – LOVE the new facelift!!!

    • i told you it isn’t done yet! go away!!!!!

      like your take on the lemons. it was a refreshing look at life. lemon fresh.

  19. It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.

    Why would I be watching a fat lady sing, I dn’t care for opera and why is it always used in reference to sports.

  20. Yes, my favorite is “It is what it is.” I have to bitch slap myself whenever that phrase even starts coming out of my mouth.
    Love the new look. Very hip, very “less is more.” Now, that’s an expression I can get behind.

  21. Oh that first one (or last one, I guess) drives me nuts! There is so much scary shit in the world that renders that tired advice pretty useless!

    I keep receiving #6 in a forward at work too! Dancing and singing “like no one is watching” will probably land you in the nuthouse, of course they’re probably more used to that sort of behaviour there! 😉

    • ah haha. the forwards. oh am i ever sick of the forwards with that kushy advice that no one could ever actually use

  22. Hahaha!!! Yes, yes and yes. You are so right! These sayings are so cheesy, right? I liked how you set Chatty straight by telling her it takes her more effort to say that phrase about the smile than it does not to say it. Way to put her in her place!

  23. oops, seems with the recent facelift, my subscription to your blog lapsed. I MUST renew! Any great “must act now” or “limited time only” offers for returning customers? And while we’re enjoying these trite expressions, maybe we could toss in a few more that I especially love hearing at work – timeworn favorites like “thinking outside the box” and “taking it to the next level.”

    Oh, and I’m really hoping for a wedding section here. Somewhere in this new format. Just so you know.

    Hope all is going well 🙂 diane

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