You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now. I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell. You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and yet, I still find you waiting for me each month. Now, one of us just isn’t being honest with ourselves.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy reading up on Queen Latifah’s “love your body” tips, or Jennifer Hudson’s illegitimate pregancy, or Kelly Rowland’s advice on what to wear to work. But I already love my body, as a result of my non-daddy issues. And considering I write for reality TV, I knew about Jennifer Hudson’s pregnancy before she did. And I wear the same thing to work as I wore to bed. And most unfortunately, I cannot use any of the hair care products that you suggest, which is a travesty in itself, because I’m a whore for hair supplies and have it stockpiled under my vanity like I’m anticipating the Y2K of personal hygiene products.
I’m calling a truce.
I’m not sure how or why you became obsessed with me, but it has to stop. I’m really not that cool. Actually, I’m rather feisty. Some might call it rude, but that is a bit preposterous. If friendship is what you’re looking for, then I will only disappoint you. The only thing I have to offer is painful honesty, which nobody seems to appreciate. I never answer my phone. It takes an average of a month [possibly more depending on the weather, current levels of laziness, and if my microwave is broken or not] to listen to your voicemail. If you mark it as urgent, there is a minimum turnaround time of two weeks. Even if we become friends, you’ll have to live on pins and needles or I might use you for a cheap laugh on my blog. Are you willing to become a new category? I mean, is this what you truly want? Can you handle living in a constant state of: WTF?!
I’m quite sure that if you removed the beer goggles and weren’t so blinded by your unwarranted affection for me, you would discover that you need more. More than I can give you.
Please stop stalking me,
Blunt.
P.S. My microwave broke again tonight… so, just something to think about.
That is the problem with putting too much information about yourself on your blog. Someone (he he) found out your address and started signing you up for magazines you never ordered. Hustler should start arriving in a few weeks.
Kelly Rowland gives advice on what to wear to work? Does she even have an actual job?! And should I be embarassed that I actually know who Kelly Rowland is?
Sarah Palin reads it. Shouldn’t you? Shouldn’t we all!?
bear – i haven’t even revealed the city in which i live..or my last name. although I may have revealed every other detail about my life… i’ve tried, somewhat to keep stalkers at bay. but so much for that dream.
demim- in on word: yes.
yes, she gives advice.
yes, it’s pathetic you know who kelly rowland is.
yes, I’m extremely awesome.
wait… that wasn’t one of the questions.
kevo – sarah palin reads it? really?
Although i have to say… i have considered moving to alaska. i mean, they have like no taxes… on anything! and they get money back for doing nothing. how sweet action is that.
This happened to me a few years back with Details Magazine. That said, at least I was in the right demographic. If it was Black Family Digest, African Americans OnWheels, or Monarch, there might’ve been some questions.
My friend is currently receiving a quarterly publication called Heeb (which is actually a well-written, quite funny mag celebrating young, hip, Jewish culture). Of course, he’s Irish Catholic, so go figure.
A free magazine each month, too bad it’s not something you want to be reading. You must just give out the “I want to be stalked” vibe. If it jumps from magazines to sociopaths, then I would change your address.
By the by, read my most current post. You will be disappointed in me that I took down the one before it (the current one a response to the deleted.) I couldn’t handle all of the hate.
jen- i read the post. O.M.G. you stepped on the toesies of Dooce? thats a sin you just don’t commit, unless you want the mommy bloggers to swarm you with their hate.
p.s. i am disappointed you took down the original post. as i told you, controversy.. it makes the world go round, baby.
mvd- I mean, as a 20-something, non-working, white woman… could i be ANYMORE not in the demographic to receive ESSENCE?
Haha, I love your sarcasm and how non-commital you are. I’ve been getting Forbes magazine and have no clue why but that’s way better than Essence. I don’t ever listen to voicemails either. Great pic, too, looking sporty. Happy jogging!:-)
queen latifah loves her body? that seems silly.
candice – lmao. oh, i heart you. whatever that means.
jo – you appreciate it, cus you are exactly like me! forbes? gees. at least maybe i could learn something, possibly, from that. my free magazines suck. yours totally beat mine up
Instead of Essence, I get Maxim for free. I think I win in that comparison solely due to the fact that I don’t ever have to worry about looking at Queen Latifah on the cover, despite the fact that Maxim’s articles are mostly worthless drivel about how some random hot girl likes sex and write ups regarding the latest “cool” gadget with dated information. At one point, I was under the impression Maxims contained numerous pictures of scantily clad beautiful women, but I often find the advertisements have more pictures like that than the actual content of the magazine these days.
And way to rock the knee-high socks from the 80s. I’m not so sure that they’re performance enhancing though for your jogs.
In the end, at least you can look at this way: You’re simultaneously contributing to the downfall of printed journalism (with your blog) and supporting it (by getting that crappy magazine). I believe that’s a solid contribution to society, more than most people could hope for.
omg its not letting me post replies to you!! here try one more time:
Maybe its all a conspiracy by essence magazines. Someone from the mag found your website saw your big readership and following and thought hmmm this would be a McScrooge way of getting some free marketing done by someone else. Sooo they found you through your IP address, got to your internet provider – a mole in the internet service provider company gave them your address in exchange for a free Mcnuggets supersize meal including extra McNuggets.. they then started to send you these magazines knowing that at some point it would become an annoyance to you and that you would blog about it… hence you mention their magazine for free, people discuss it talk about it, subliminally infiltrating your readers’ mind and get them to spot the mag in the mag stand and buy it… they should be thank you for mentioning them and you should be sending them an invoice so they pay YOU for advertising them on your totally-hyper-awesome go! website… *breath panting..* there…mystery solved!
“hence you mention their magazine for free, people discuss it talk about it, subliminally infiltrating your readers’ mind and get them to spot the mag in the mag stand and buy it”
Um, right Susi, assuming that 90% of us are black…
MVD money does not discriminate and sees no colour and besides just because you are not black or a lot of readers of blunty might not be black does not mean they do not WANT to be black. hello look at Eminem ok he might not read essence but a lot of girls and guys who try to talk black, walk black, dress black etc… i know i watch a lot of american tv 😛
uh – we can’t ALL be mommy bloggers, I’m a recovering mom and not a mom blogger or blogHER so let the hater RAIN begin – I’d like the traffic and I’ve got the pills to compensate.
brandon- i should never underestimate the wisdom that comes forth from your mouth. I am simultaneously contributing to both the rise and demise of the print industry. genius.
p.s. sorry maxim is such a raging disappointment.
susi – well hello there. i barely remember you. that is a rather extensive and interesting theory…. which is probably true. wow, thank you Inspector Gadget. i wonder why it wasn’t letting you post???
mvd- susi has a point. deep down i always thought i was black..
linlah. amen. its like what up with the mommy bloggers??? don’t you guys have kids to raise while you’re busy stalking hundreds of blogs on a daily basis and complaining about your kids?
blunt – If I thought my uterus was THAT important, I would have birthed a rain forest….and I work for a builder…..
Deep down you always thought you were black? I will just assume that’s a product of the city you grew up in.
brandon – i would venture to say, yes. it could very well be part of my upbringing.
linlah – imagine a world where a woman could give birth to things like rain forests, or hybrid cars. i think thats what the environmentalists should focus on creating. crisis averted.
So that’s where my subscription to Essence went. The damn post office must have mixed up our mailing addresses. Which explains why I’ve been receiving copies of BDSM Monthly for the past year.
Hey listen Brit, I don’t have a problem returning all of the past issues to you, but would you mind if I kept the free dildo phone?
oh cbabin… i’ve missed you around here. things have been so innocent without your presence. much less sex-toy talkish.
Without having read the prior comments, there is a possibility someone has already broken this piece of news to you….if not, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but……all they’re after is your money.
OMG! Cute socks!
At least you read magazines you don’t order. I keep ordering magazine and throw them in a pile still shrink wrapped!!
Right next to the 7352 hair care items I used only once……….I so understand this…….it’s a sickness.
And, yes, wear the socks when jogging. Even if you pass out you will be the cutest one laying on the sidewalk………
That was too funny! Geez, I love the way you write! Fantastic! Tell Essence they can be my friend if they want. Hee hee.
yeah i know ive just not been able to blog properly been really busy at work 10 and 11 hour days trying to project management couple of things… hectic. 🙁
so at least i do read you and still post 🙂 x
yorks… due to my generally optimistic view on the world, i don’t see how that can be true…
zelzee…whoa.. i never said i read them! it’s all an act! I’m a fake!
theresa- um, shucks.
christie – I’ll call them and have them forwarded to you. hah.
susi- aw, well that sucks you are so busy. don’t feel pressured to stop by.. but just know that if you don’t I will hate you for all eternity, thats all.
I think the magazine companies do this on purpose to see how many subscriptions they can get to stick. Worked on me.
I agree with Christina. I think some of these magazines get your name from a mailing list, start sending you issues and then bill you for it. Or like someone else said, someone might be messing with you and signed you up. But regardless, you’re right; it’s a pain in the a*s and most magazine company’s customer service departments aren’t anything to write home about.
Here’s a trick for anyone to pays for a magazine they actually want to receive though. Bills for magazine subscriptions are typically $12.97 or $9.99 (something like that, but always with a .99 or .97 at the end). Always round up and pay the higher even number and you’ll normally end up getting several issues for free. They never want to refund $0.01 or $0.03 cents, so they typically have a formula where you’ll get something for free. Works every time and I’ve received numerous free issues over the years as a result. Just a little helpful hint for anyone who kept reading my comment this long…
haha. well constant thanks for the tip. and yes, i’ve tried everything…. i can’t get them to stop!!! i’m avoiding looking at my bank statement cus if i got charged for something i will FREAK
I don’t know what your problem is, BD, but I’m enjoying my mis-delivered issues of OWM (Old White Men) Magazine. 🙂
hahaa. oh george… lol.
Just wait until until you don’t pay the 14th bill they send you. (You’ll easily recognize it – it’s the 12th one marked “Final Notice” in large red letters.) They’ll eventually drop. you.
Or not. In which case, be a good person, tear the address label off and leave it in the freebie bin at your local public library, community center, or anywhere else someone who might actually be interested can read it.
qka – seriously. i’m gonna FREAK when i get that in the mail. i know it’s coming. although i technically cancelled whatever it was. UGH. so frustrating
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hmm, i love Essence magazine..
maybe because I’m black
ann – well, it’s not that i dislike it… but um, i just don’t want to get stuck paying for something i never ordered!
@ Ann: Hmmm, I hate Essence magazine. Maybe because I’m Black.