I’m putting on the cloak of honesty right now. It’s not even mine, I borrowed it permanently from a friend. But still, you know what’s coming.
Please listen carefully: All my Facebook amigos, I love you. Really, I do. Because of this ingenious billion dollar idea, [that again, I couldn’t seem to have thought of because I was too busy planning other people’s weddings or dating inappropriate men or getting dysentery in Mexico] I’ve gotten in touch with a lot of you who I probably would have never heard from again. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t so genius. That being said, you should know that the very moment you completed one of those ridiculous quizzes you were deleted from my status updates…
You have not and will not be given a second chance. I apologize, I wish I were as kind as God. I have so many tragic and exciting updates to scroll through, that I can’t take time to read about “What Your Favorite Color Says About You” or “What Breed Of Dog Are You Most Like.” Well guess the heck what? That’s pretty fricken lame and you’re never gonna be a Jane Austin character OR a country.
So back when I was 19, I was in a wedding. Three weeks later I ended up in Xalapa, Veracruz with a girl who was also in the wedding. Alright, well I guess that’s it. Have a good day! …So this girl had studied abroad in Mexico and wanted to go back. For some ungodly reason, I cleared out my bank account and volunteered to go with her to a foreign country, known for human trafficking and drug smuggling.
I’m going to go ahead and say that this was one of the best times of my life. We had absolutely no agenda for our trip except eating enchiladas, getting tan, not throwing up, and salsa dancing every night.
I’d like to take a moment to point out some of the the highlights of my trip. If you’ll notice in the picture, that is me standing atop one of the oldest and steepest Mayan Pyramids, which was a five mile hike from civilization, in 100% humidity and 110 degree weather. Have I mentioned that I can’t usually walk to my kitchen without needing a puff from my inhaler? You’ll also notice that I’m wearing platform sandals, which I wouldn’t recommend for such an ambitious feat. You should also know that I’m scared of heights. You should also know that this is the exact moment when I started to get amoebic dysentery, or something akin to it, from accidentally using tap water to brush my teeth.
I had to be carried half of the way back. Oh, did I mention there are no toilet seats in this part of Mexico? And did I mention that a mean lady rations you one square of toilet paper when you walk in the bathroom?
We stayed with some college guys. They were possibly the nicest and most hilarious people I’ve ever met – I couldn’t understand a word they said. Hold the phone…I may have just discovered the secret to marital bliss. They constantly played these ridiculous Cd’s of American top 100 love ballads – like the discontinued ones that they throw in the dollar bin along with Amy Grant cassettes. They tried to sing along. It sounded absolutely ludicrous. You better believe when I left, I gave them a Michael Bolton Greatest Hits CD.
I spent the majority of my days trying to get them to say the word Walmart, because they couldn’t pronounce the letter “w” and for some reason, I found it to be the best free entertainment I’d ever had. Actually I think I might pull out those videos tonight, I could use a cheap laugh.
Oh yea, then there was that time that the boys took us to a random person’s mom’s house and she cooked us a Mexican feast. I happened to mention that I liked mangoes and some guy spider monkeyed up a tree to hack some down with a machete. I have no idea what his name was. He was forever memorialized as Tarzan mango guy.
I have so many more stories, it’s a shame. Honestly though, I’ve never met kinder people in all my life. It was a fabulous time. I’ve never been so sick, yet so afraid to seek medical help. I thought I was going to throw up my spleen.
That’s a fascinating story. It makes me wanna go visit Mexico (without catching Montezuma’s Revenge).
But, didn’t you leave out the part about the Tijuana Donkey Shows?
Jus’ askin’….
haha george… luckily i stayed FAR away from the border. i was waaaay down in there, which as mentioned, is probably the reason i wasn’t kidnapped.
Isn’t being in a third world country vomiting your brains out just wonderful? They always do seem like the most memorable trips. I will add your button to my blog. My site could use some more interest.
oh yes jen it is THE BEST. truly, though, that trip was a good time although it sounded sarcastic, it really was. thanks so much for showing the love! I’ll link to you as well.
Ah….100% humidity, 100 degrees F., poop, vomit, squatting over a hole and men up in trees (and lets not forget those Huge flying beetles and killer bees). Does it ever get any better than that?
I don’t care what anyone says, I Love America!….land of the flushable toilets, endless streems of toilet paper, clean water, 280 channels of mind numbing TV garbage and the In & Out Burger.
robin… first of all, we don’t have in and out burger up here or SONIC?? can you believe that crap!? but i’m with you i love america. although i’d move to italy in a split second if i could. but that is the ONLY place i’d ever move.
Sorry I haven’t been around for a while. I am trying to play catch-up now however!
Wow, see, this is why I don’t do the “go places with strangers” thing. I’m too chicken! What am I saying!?! I haven’t even left Central, North America! The furthest south I’ve been is Portland Oregon in the West, and New York, New York in the East! As for going North, well, I haven’t exactly done that either! Blackholm and Whistler Mountains in BC are probably the furthest North I’ve been there, where as here in Manitoba, the furthest North I’ve been would have to be Shoal Lake, and Lake of the Woods! Man that’s sad! I haven’t even been east of that, not in Canada anyway, and I’m Canadian! My god, I’ve lived a secluded life! now I’m depressed, No I’m not, if it weren’t for my experiences, I wouldn’t be who I am, and I like who I am 😀
skye… you are forgiven. hah. i haven’t been doing a good job either, i’ve written a couple blogs, but other than that i’ve been MIA from cyberspace. you have’t been further south than portland?? well can you even get any further NORTH than that? haha. I had never gone ANYWHERE until i went to mexico, but then that started a whole slew of world travels. but there’s nothing wrong with staying right where you’re at. in fact, the way things are in the world right now, you wouldn’t catch me travelling.
First of all… you look emaciated in that first photo.
Second of all – you are crazy – but we knew this.
jules i was abolutely freaking sick and dehydrated and exhausted in that photo. i was on the brink of delerium.
I can think of no greater horror than being rationed one square of toilet paper in some pyramid bathroom after contracting amoebic dysentery. Talk about itchy.
I hope it was it two-ply, but I’m guessing it was somewhere between sandpaper and course grass.
mvd- you have no idea. it was HORROR> luckily, the girl i went with was a shotput champion who went to the olympic trials. she was like the 20th strongest woman in the nation or something – needless to say – she coerced the lady to give me the whole roll.
ive started posting again on my blog people AND ive given in to twitter… for twits… hehe.
now lil miss blunt delivery you look like you are about 10 feet tall…dont you know that in ANY developing countr you should carry your own roll of toilet paper wherever you go.. u didnt? well now you know and arent u glad i told you just right after you needed it? yes i think so too.
ill do you a favour, how about you and me, jules and brandon if he is man enough for it head off whereever the pin lands on the donkey..i mean map… we just get up and go and see which one of us turns into a bitch first and THEN we all know who to blog about hehe.
hahaa. that sounds like a good time susi. well, actually she had been there before so we did have those little travel toilet paper things to carry along – however, we had both ran out and weren’t able to make it to walmart before our trip. i was’nt really anticipating getting amoebic dysentery. ha.
bearman can come along too but only if he is as cuddly as he sounds hehe.
susi… i think it’s just a disguise.
This was quite possibly the most entertaining blog entry I have ever read. Aside from getting sick it sounds like you had a really great time. It’s too bad the girl turned out to be a biotch, but if anything you got this grand experience you just shared with us! Thanks.
haha. thanks for stopping by christina. glad you could laugh at my very, uncomfortable expense.
Ha. At least you found a square of T.P.
Are you posing one the many pharmaceutical stores that are everywhere? Looks nice anyway.
Hate to sound cheesy, but I love your blog.
hey mama! thanks for stopping by. oh, come on, bring on the cheese! haha
I am in complete shock that you would empty your bank account and go with some crazy bitch you barely knew to a foreign country and deal with crazy random strangers that were probably bordering on insane. It’s so unlike you.
hah. brandon. you’re right. its completely going against my grain to do something so spontaneous and stupid. sigh. but in my defense i was 19 and had never been out of the country.
this is why you love me so much! the whole mexican thing!!!!
well dana. that and other reasons i can’t discuss in public
So you’re saying that the football player you’re standing next too is ‘the’ girl you went to Mexico with…wait I’m confused.
haha. yes jelly. she was pretty strong.
that chick in the green shirt has a great rack
buddy, unfortunately, i can’t tell the difference between her rack and her gut. there isn’t much distinction. too bad she didn’t catch my dysentary
Those are the stories and times that make living worth living…thanks for sharing….never been to the pyramids would love to go…Zman sends
hey steve. very true… the pyramids are pretty cool. i almost got to go to egypt when i was in europe, which would have been totally awesome.
Five miles from civilization? No wonder the Mayans disappeared. They built their damn pyramids too far from the tourist area. I love that picture of the hair gel aisle. I hear that stuff’s really popular in Mexico. It keeps the hair out of your eyes while you’re fleeing the Border Guards!
haha. craig that was hilarious. seriously, their hair is so greasy and gel-y, its terrible. i’m talking like GIANT tubs of hair gel, like milk carton size. its ridiculous
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lol woman, that was clever. but sorry, you are now deleted
I must say that anything related to you living/traveling/roaming abroad never seems to end well.
jo, so what you’re saying is i should just stay inside my office for the rest of my life…. DONE!
Someone once told me about drinking the water in Mexico. Thought it would be a great way to lose some stubborn pounds. Damn if my system didn’t agree with the water and I never got sick.
thats a total bummer bearman. i was like a toothpick when i got back. not to mention all the walking and hiking —my legs rocked.
Happy Easter!
thanks you too sarah!
Dude. Are those Doc Marten sandals? I have some. They make me two inches taller. Second. You tilt your head back as an adult just like you did as a kid. Very cute!
And c) I had dystentery in Juarez when I was 12. My dad and stepmom took the other kids out shopping while my brother and I took turns running and from the pot, trying not to leave a trail of…
MOVING ON!!!
pinky. yes! they were doc martens!!! you can spot those babies a mile away. haha. and i was almost on the verge of passing out so i think i was tilting my head back not by choice.. hah.
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