So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago. This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods. So as I was rummaging through countless, dusty boxes of love letters, 7 bridesmaid dresses, various throw pillows from my inability to commit to a living room color, a shot glass collection, a postcard collection, a key chain collection, and inventory from my retail store, I found my favorite discovery of all – an old hot pink Composition notebook and mystery container from Haiti.
EXIBIT A
What first appeared to be a refuge for Spanish homework, turned out to have many hidden and wondrous glimpses into my life back in 2001.
I’d just like to ask if anyone has a clue why I was writing natural remedies for common hair care dilemmas in the middle of my Spanish homework? Please see EXHIBIT A and respond to me with any suggestions you may have.
Your answers may unlock the mystery to a lifetime of complex issues.
Among the most amazing of all discoveries was: 1. a list of qualifications for my future mate, and 2. a list of 20 “Things I Will Accomplish.” Written with the same authority and determination of any 18 year old with a bad case of ADHD and no sense of the world whatsoever. Today we will simply tackle “Things I Will Accomplish.”
Dear Me 10 Years Ago,
I understand that you’re just a kid with lofty dreams, but there are some things you need to understand. In glancing over your list, I can’t help but notice you’re a bit obsessed with the Spanish culture according to points #2, #12, and #13, which is perplexing, but I assure you this is only a phase that will last about as long as your next boyfriend. Your desire to eat tacos for consecutive weeks on end, however, will not subside.
adjustments have been made in RED
#6 – In regards to Paris, please don’t go. Just trust me on this one. #13 -Stick to your guns on studying abroad in South America. Please don’t allow a charming, dark-haired boy, who has mesmerized you with his intelligence and ability to play Radiohead songs, to talk you into going to London instead. If, by chance, you do end up in London, please do your best to avoid allBritish-Indian men who wear Versace Couture leather jackets and get regular facials. If ever there was a time you should accept advice, it would be now.
# 4 -Yes, please get your teeth fixed. Who are you, Jewel? #7 – On a more serious note, Oprah is a beotch, but you’ll have to learn the hard way. Even the future you cannot possibly convince you otherwise at this point. #1 – When you finally go to Italy and accomplish your childhood dream, please don’t drop your camera off the edge of the Coliseum. They make wrist straps for a reason. And seatbelts, but that’s a dead horse.
#8 – Don’t try to learn the guitar. Remember Spanish? Please stop trying to learn new things, it’s getting expensive and you’re making it increasingly hard to accomplish #18. #19 – LASIC? Is this really on your ‘Things To Accomplish’ list? What the heal is wrong with you? Do you want to die? Have you seen Stevie Wonder lately?! You just sit tight, four eyes.
#10 – I’m sorry for all the incessant laughter. But in about 10 years, you’ll see why this is hilarious. #17 – What are you, some kind of freak? #3 – Oh, boy. If you had any idea how much you won’t be accomplishing this. Ever. So, please don’t try. Again, focus on #18.
#20 – Yea, good luck with that.
Love,
Future You.
P.S. When you do meet Enrique Iglesias, please start walking away the first time your friend mentions she wants to sneak backstage and touch his rock-hard abs. She’s not joking. And neither are the cops.
Yes, I was stupid and naive as well at that age. I so wish I could go back in time and slap myself silly until I stopped wasting time being a depressed idiot. Live and learn. I must agree with the stop spending incessant amounts of money learning new things that one will never be good at and will stop doing. This is beyond annoying but I fear will never end even with the wisdom of age.
jen- sigh. oh the money i’ve wasted. seriously. yea, i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m going to throw my kids into all sorts of things so that they have a chance at being good at something. cus, when you get older – it’s darn near impossible to have the time / discipline to take on something like a new language or instrument.
candice- yea, i was actually pretty psyched that i had accomplished anything on that list. and amen on the organization. i’m all for it
wow, 5 out of 20 ain’t bad. and that hair care remedy sounds delicious. let’s collaborate and start an organization that will help people by healing them with laughter.
I can’t stop laughing………I can just see you being so serious and concentrating so hard as you work on that list.
You were such a hopeless romantic! Now the truth comes out!
haha zelzee – i WAS totally serious too! yea.. i used to be quite the romantic. key word “used to”
jill – well hello there!!! thanks for stopping by. i’m starving too by the way. but i’m sure it has nothing to do with my hair care remedies.
MVD – sigh. i can’t vouch for the success rate of said hair care remedies… however, i’m sure it won’t hurt you to try it out. being italian and all, you’ve got to have sprigs of rosemary on hand right. wait, you are italian, right?
I’m starving after reading your hair remedies.
So you’re saying that 4 sprigs of rosemary and a dab of almond oil will control my sometime-oily hair? I knew there was a reason I kept venturing back here. You might want to contact the editors of Essence. Perhaps they’ll feature you in their own “healthy hair tips” list.
That said, shampooing with guacamole or bananas is a harder sell.
This was a great article. I laugh. I have a sister who just turned 18 and she thinks she knows everything. I remember being that way too. I’m glad I can look back and laugh at the fact I didn’t know everything then and I still don’t now.
christina – amen. so clueless, i was. now i’m just jaded and clueless.
steve – thanks… i am just surprised i accomplished anything on that list, considering i forgot i even had it! although my desires have changed quite a bit, there are definitely some things on there i’d like to accomplish… hello, Oprah’s favorite things show?!?
Wonderful post..thanks for letting us in on the 2001 You….these things should be a reminder of all that you want to be and still can be….things you have not done GO DO!!!!…that younger version may have been naive..but the older version is smarter and has a better sense of the world NOW GO DO IT…Zman sends
Thanks for sharing your dreams. It’s always interesting to go back and see the way we were and what we were thinking when we were younger. I never made a list…no expectations, or maybe I was just lazy. Like Steve wrote, go out and check off some more.
theresa – hey, its good not to have any expectations.. then you’ll only be pleasantly surprised and never let down. and yes, that is coming from well of honesty that you can expect from this website.
brandon – um, the pony story is to come.
bearman – please see comment to theresa. i concur. we are but kindred souls.
I was surprised to find that “Buy a pony” wasn’t also on the list. It wouldn’t look that out of place.
See that is why I don’t make goal lists. No disappointment.
You just make me so frikken happy! I appreciate it. I am going to find my 30 year old list right this minute. There’s probably something there about curing cancer and what not.
haha! oh mama, thank goodness i make someone happy!
rachel – oh i would never make fun of someone for caving into marriage.. i’m happy for those who take the leap without going into convulsions.
pinky –
i heart you.sorry, that’s stupid. there was another list that said “red suv to take a girls road trip on” NO JOKE.Oh my goodness! That’s hilarious! I really wish I had such a list lurking around here. Honestly, there’s probably a pretty good chance that I do. I was (and still am, actually) quite the list-maker back in the day.
I do remember starting college in 2001 thinking that I’d be married by 2005 and have kids by 2007. Uh, well, I got the marriage part down (don’t make fun of me for caving! 😉 ), but the kids thing?! I am farrr too selfish for those yet!
Love the hair suggestions ;). Did you ever try any of them?!?!
Thanks for the peek into your past ;)…muy enjoyable.
Here’s to lists and crossing things off…
good stuff here!
you were far more mature than I was.
I just wanted a red jeep and long hair.
I never had either.
Oh well. I’m doing just f.i.n.e.
😉
I always wanted the Barbie Jeep. Not the toy…a real one. White jeep with blue racing stripes.
“wait, you are italian, right?”
Yes. But it looks like I’ll have to settle for oregano and take my chances. Right after I finish using this razor blade to slice some thin garlic, you know, Goodfellas style.
bear- i always wanted one of those little fake ones that actually used real gas. i mean, i wanted that more than a pony. it’s not that i was spoiled…my parents lived in the middle of nowhere, and it was a lot of work just to get from A to B. i needed some form of wheels
mvd -you should see the bottle, of shall i say tub, of oregano that i have. is there anything that oregano doesn’t go well with? i even sprinkled a bit on my frosted mini wheats this morning.
oh man, does your stubble smell like garlic?
Blunt Delivery, this was a great post. I love it.
First, I’m all about cleaning out the garage, because I have a one-car detached garage and I live in Cleveland. I hate the rain and the snow and will do whatever I can to park inside.
Second, I really enjoy finding old things in my garage, in storage or in the attic – and analyzing it like you did. It’s always amazing what you tell yourself in hindsight.
Did you say seven bridesmaid dresses??? Wow!
thanks constant =) and yes, 7… now maybe you understand why i don’t want a wedding of my own. and a pageant dress. and several prom dresses. i was a bit of a prom whore. Well, not in the sense you are thinking – but i went to several proms. As friends, of course.
Not to gloss over the pink comp book but I’ve got to know what was in the mystery container from Haiti?
linlah, you get points for that. it seems as though no one even batted an eyelash at the mystery container.
it was just some handmade thing that a guy had heckled me into buying on the beach of haiti. there wasn’t like a secret fortune hidding inside, or a decoder ring or anything.
I always wanted a Barbie Jeep 🙁 Not only did I never get one, but I don’t have a daughter to get one for.
Wait, there IS a pony story? I hope it doesn’t go along the lines of most peoples’ donkey stories.
I recently went through a survey list of “1001 movies you must see before you die” and had watched about 45% of them. based on that I should be dead by 50 or so. Sure feels good to not let lists dictate your life.
I just found one of MY old lists from 2001. It says:
1. Pick up 12 pack
2. Rent adult movie
3. Call in sick tomorrow…it’s Friday.
Guess I wasn’t QUITE
oh what a year… way back there in 20..01… what a memory what a year…
I remember it well;
a promising career
i had found THE perfect man
the perfect life
and then
LIFE
bastard… i want a refund! or at least a store credit so i can go and exchange it for a good toaster.. mines iz brokenz
What a gem! I was reading my senior year memories from this same time period and couldn’t keep from cracking up laughing. You don’t really realize how immature you are until you look back…
christina – join the club. join the friggen club.
brandon – YES there is a pony story. and as you might imagine, it’s pretty messed up and unbeleivable.
kevo – thats quite an accomplishment. i only had 1/3 of my list done. you definitely beat me in the life goals category.
tim – sigh. was it everything you hoped it would be?
susi – yes, amen. life, the ultimate bastard
ronnica – oh, tell me about it. i mean, honestly why i wanted to do some of these things, i have no idea. but i’m glad i did fix my teeth, cus oh my goodness those things were scary
I’d say you’ve probably lived a pretty full and rewarding life despite only doing a third of your list so far.
i’d say you’re probably right kevo. God help me if i’d of accomplished it all.
Aaah – 2001; gee i hate to think that far back… in retrospect we’re all genius’s aren’t we? That makes me want to go get my old journal and see what on earth I was thinking back in the day! Although if I recall correctly in 2001 I was crying my eyes out because this guy had cheated on me but then I discover that he had pretty much been lying to me about a good number of things (for a large chunk of the relationship)! And that’s just the tip of the bloody ice-berg! These were the days my mum and i actually spoke to each other AND understood each other – where i enjoyed her company and was fine with the idea of me being with someone who wasn’t arab… my my how things change!
Pingback: That's My Daughter? She Sure Is Stone Ugly | Blunt Delivery
I just really wish I could go to the me of ten years ago and tell her to at least have enough motivation to write a list of things she’d like to accomplish.
hahaha spring.. that was pretty funny. but i don’t know what’s worse, honestly.
Pingback: I Can't Wait Til Our Lips Meet For 3 Minutes Or 200 Seconds | Blunt Delivery
This is priceless~ I love a good re-read of my old journals…. the older the better. I love it. -e
haha. thanks emily!!! yea unfortunately this is my last attempt at a journal. all the written ones i’ve had over the years i never could keep up with… or they were messy and i’d tear stuff out and want to rewrite it. ugh.
HAHAHAHAHAH THIS IS FUCKING GREAT- I love the hair remedy, did you evertry it?
haha, NO chelsea… but after finding that i’ve given it some serious consideration. haha
Pingback: WANTED: Gray-Haired Black Man With Saxophone Skills | Blunt Delivery
I love your blog, almost in a stalkerish like way; but I’m the nice, shy stalker, not the one you see on the Brinks Home Security commercials. I will go forth and tell everyone I know about how funny you are. It’s not gonna be a lot of poeple, but it’s more than 1. This post in particular is great. I think everyone over 25 has had the 10 years have passed moment…and wtf was I thinking back then. I did last weekend cleeaning out my porch. It’s cool that you share your past and present self. If you are ever in the Buffalo area and need anything, I’m your beeoch. You’ve made me laugh more than my Blockbuster account, and I pay $30 a month for that. You’re worth more.
Pingback: Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those | Blunt Delivery