I haven’t said the word “sausage” for going on 15 years. It’s a personal protest, don’t worry about it. Unless I’m struggling to order a pizza, this usually doesn’t present a problem. Of course, there was that time I worked at Chuck E. Cheese all four years of high school, where pizza and little kids accidentally peeing in the tube slide were the only topics of conversation. Eventually, I got it down to a fine science, where I would simply nod and point to the menu on the wall behind me and say, “Ok, so, you want this one then?”
Now that I reminisce, that truly was a dream job. Aside from being permanently sick, due to filthy, germ-coated everything, I squandered my days away by misspelling kids’ names on chocolate birthday cakes so I could eat them, while flirting with the game table hottie. Things couldn’t get much better. Why I ever left remains one of the biggest mysteries of my life.
Speaking of breakfast food, let’s talk about Kenny.
So Kenny and I are hanging out and discussing everything that is important in life. As usual, at some point, the conversation takes a random turn down a long, winding road and we end up in a place that I’ve never been before. Nor do I ever want to go again. It’s some sort of a lonely wheat field, or abandoned Waffle House – there’s no way of knowing. And the following conversation takes place:
Kenny: I mean, he was like this guy that just smelled like maple syrup.
Me: Someone can’t smell like maple syrup.
Kenny: Oh, someone can. And they did.
Me: That’s ridiculous. You know that’s ridiculous right?
Kenny: It’s ridiculously true.
Me: But that makes no sense. Did he just get back from IHOP or something?
Kenny: [shaking his head with a very defeated look on his face] No…he just smelt like it permanently. What’s worse is people who smell like maple syrup and pee.
Me: Who smells like pee? No one smells like pee. Did he work in a nursery?
Kenny: I’m not exactly sure. But he smelt like breakfast.
Me: …..
Kenny: I just… I hate people who smell like breakfast.
Me: Maple syrup smells delicious. I wish everyone smelt like maple syrup. This kid used to sit behind me after lunch and he reaked of ketchup.
Kenny: [laughs] What? Ketchup? Why?
Me: Cus all he ate was fries at lunch. Well see, now you understand why I can’t eat condiments.
Kenny: Well, maple syrup is just completely ruined for me. [Sigh] I used to love that stuff.
How to Talk Yourself Out of Dating Almost Anyone
My son sometimes smells like maple syrup. Only because he takes after me and is a messy eater. So if he has pancakes, half the stuff winds up on his front. I wonder if that guy has the same problem?
chris – i WISH his name was butterworth. because my goodness, he would be the shiznit.
theresa – ugh… chicken noodle? i hope it wasn’t the campbells kind… cus, nasty.
christie – hey girl! glad someone gets a kick out of my everyday existence.
Guy’s last name wasn’t “Butterworth” by chance, was it? I’m just sayin’. I knew a guy that smelled like lunch, if you regularly dined on onions and Italian dressing.
I went to school with a girl that smelled just like chicken noodle soup. Not just once in awhile, everyday, all year. I think I would have preferred her smelling like maple syrup. Nice blog!
amber – that’s hilarious! that is the only logical explanation… it must be what happened!
I am having difficulty commenting because I cannot stop laughing. Permanent breakfast smell…wow!
My dog smells like what was in the cat box. Wish she’d quit doing that.
timoteo – does he have a complex?
susi- curry? do you work in “little india” or something? curry smells disgusting. and perfume only makes it worse. cut that out
I would rather have someone on the packed sardine tin (i mean train) that is my daily ride to work every morning smell like Maple syrup than stale old curry… cause that’s what I get, how people can smell like curry and old oil first thing in the morning is beyond me! I try spraying more and more perfume on myself each time, but its as if the curry smell just permeates through everything and anything..
I am one of those people when I worked in an office I couldn’t eat lunch with people if they were going for fajitas or japanese steakhouse b/c invariably I would smell like that for the rest of the day even if I wasn’t eating it.
Okay, I can’t stand the smell of maple syrup. It is one of the grossest smells, and it tends to stick to you like cheese on grits…or grits on cheese.
I once had a job in high school at a tuxedo store. It was such a fun job for a boy-crazy teenager. When prom time came, I told all the guys in my class not to bug me, cause I knew all their measurements! Hah! Anyway, Halls Cough drops and Tommy cologne are the worst. Instead of spending 80 bucks on the cologne, you can go to the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart and pick up Deep Woods Off and get exactly the same effect. Cough drops just make me nauseated. Course, I’m nauseated a lot, these days, anyway, but this has been a lifelong issue.
nina- tuxedo store? that is BRILLIANT! Gosh, all i could think of is chuck e. cheese? I suck.
Enna – immitation butter is pretty sick. um, i’m glad you went into that mini-melodrama about eric and why exactly he smells like pee. Cus…
george – just stick your hand down in between the seat and the console… i guarantee you’ll find some fries!
Ok, confession time – Eric smells like Maple Syrup. All the time. And there ARE days where he smells like pee (it’s an acid preservative he works with that smells a LOT like urine.)
He’s a chemical compounder, which is like a food-grade chemist. I have no idea why, but people seem to get a “breakfast” smell off of him. I used to smell it too. Now, if you poured maple syrup ON ME, I would not be able to smell it. I am desensitization to the smell.
Does Kenny live in Chicago, or the Western Burbs of Chicago? Because I’ll bet he smelled Eric or one of his co-workers.
PS – Imitation Butter smells the worst. It smells like baby poo and acid and burning tires all at the same time. There’s a reason the microwave popcorn bags only give you a certain amount…
The smell of ketchup as well as maple syrup irritates me to no end if I smell them out of context. My son busted (by accident I hope) a pack of ketchup in the backseat of the car, and the odor lingered for-like-ever until I had to start driving my wife’s car.
Maybe I’ll get some fries and try driving my car again? 🙂
I gorged myself on garlic, fajitas, beer, and cheese over the weekend while on lockdown in a Maine cabin. I’m pretty sure I smelled worse than any bonfire at a Waffle House dumpster.
Also, am I the only one who likes the smell of (my own) earwax? Seriously.
mvd – you sick bastard. OMG. I also failed my test and had to go to the doctor where they squeezed something in my ear and a whole crap ton of wax came out. After that i was almost annoyed cus I could hear everything.
susi – the weirdest thing? how long have you been reading this blog?
MVD that is the weirdest thing ive heard… you like the smell..of your own earwax…. lol
Hey Susi – It’s not like I’d lay down my life for it, but, well, let’s just say it’s my little slice of zen. When I was a kid, my elementary school thought I was deaf (because I didn’t understand their hearing test, and rightly flunked it). Later, the doctor told my parents that I had an inordinate amount of wax buildup, so my father dumped gallons of Debrox into my ears for weeks. It used to sizzle, like bacon in a pan, as I lay in the fetal position every night, wondering where the hell I’d taken such a horribly wrong turn in my life.
aww MVD! (please forgive my loling at the bacon sizzling thing)… I can totally relate, i didnt have problems with ear wax, but I was traumatised as I had some sinus problems when I was little like aged 4 and at the time this one particular treatment meant that tubes would be stuck up my nose and down into the back of my throat and I would scream and kick cause i hated it and I scared of it but it did the trick… ever since then I developed a fear of anything going into my nose. To this day I avoid any form of nasal sprays even when im suffering from the world cold. and this is why i could never get addicted to things like cocaine… i hate the thought of foreign objects going into my nose.. hehe
How did we get from maple syrup to traumatic earwax and sinus treatments? This is the kind of commentary that keeps me coming back.
jen- we know what you like. and there’s more where that came from.
brandon- old people are pretty rank. but ketchup… oh the ketchup…
suldog- if a girl ever tells you that her shampoo smells like bananas… you’ve been punked.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
There are the few terrible smells, like people who refuse to shower and old people. The worst smell I ever had to deal with on a continuous basis at one point was Frito Lay. I worked there for two summers, and every single morning at 5am, when I went to work, the smell of the place was nauseating.
I would assume Maple Syrup would smell better at 5am in the morning, but I can’t say for sure. I’m sure their factory (and the people that work there) smell just as bad though when it’s that early.
I used to date a woman who smelled like bananas, but I think it was her shampoo. At least, I hope it was.
My elementary school cafeteria always smelled like spoiled milk.
You would have thought it turned me off of milk forever, right?
It didn’t….Hello………..White Russina!
zelzee – well come on. white russians?!? i never said i don’t eat meatloaf anymore, for goodness sake.
ronnica – you and me both. this is my confused face.
kevo- as i’m typing this, my fingers are all cheesy with dorrito-stank.
The only people I’ve met that smelled like pee all the time were sadly homeless. As far as maple syrup, I don’t get why that’d necessarily be a bad thing.
I used to race bikes with a guy who smelled like dorritos after every race. I mean, post-hard-work-out stank smells vaguely like dorritos already but this guy was spot on dorrito-stank. I can’t stomach watching anyone eat dorritos now, it just makes me want to barf in their lap.
ok so when i lived in chicago there were plenty of people that smelled like pee! trust in chi it’s not all that uncommon. Yes I too have encountered the syrup man and syrup woman but it didn’t bother me cause i like syrup
Jen, I agree with you – Susi, what’s with the earwax comment. Yuck!
1. yes it was MVD that started the earwax comment …
essentialdisgusting bastard.2. MVD – susi was not just converted. you sick SOB
the constant complainer – it wasnt me talking about earwax that was MVD! 😛 dont blame me for it
I don’t mean to speak for others, but I think Susi was intrigued by the trappings of wax. Perhaps she’s even sniffed a bit of her own stuff by now. Another one converted. 😉
just be glad i’m able to type through the barf on my keyboard. gotta stay strong.
lol its weird blunty – in the last 6 months my train line is suddenly like living in little india! its bizzzare!! arabian princess and I hae noticed this when we are out shopping, everywhere we go, petrol stations, supermakerts, mcdonalds, you name it… indians! nothing against indians but suddenly its like plane loads of indians must have arrived in my city in the last 6 months…
I have stopped doign the perfume thing to combat the curry smell bc i did notice it seemed to make it worse.
where are you all indians coming from!??? (dont say india smart asses!)
oh and you are right I have NOT converted and MVD sorry chunky munkey i have NOT smelled it either lol
Blunty you iz right, i did over exaggerate in declaring that it was the weirdest thing. you are right it was a dumb thing to say on this blog haha.
kevo- suck it up already.
susi – no you’re absolutely right, indians are taking over the world
mary/ kristin- i mean, it’s acceptable for a little kid to smell like syrup. endearing, even.
My son sometimes smells of syrup and pee. Not so much the pee part any more, because he no longer pees the bed…but the maple syrup, still…
True story. My sister tells me that my little dude smells like syrup on a daily basis.
I have a thing about smelly people, too…
When I was a manager of a fast-food restaurant during college (yes, I was THAT cool) there was a family who came in approx. once a month and reeked like a hog farm so badly that the entire restaurant smelled when they were there. You could smell them way before you ever saw them. It was pretty much terrible. It was so bad you could literally TASTE the nasty smell. Seriously.
Also, since someone on here brought up the terrible-ness that is the smell of spoiled milk….on March 19th I had a unfortunate accident involving a glass container of Oberweis milk that I was transporting in my car to my house over a lunch break….the thing SHATTERED somehow while en route and no amount of cleaning by either myself or my OC husband has remedied the situation. Now that the weather is getting hotter….well….you do the math. My car smells like straight up shit. The worst part (?) is…I am kind of becoming “immune” to it and am super paranoid that now I smell like it too….because you can’t smell yourself right? My husband decided that we needed to file an insurance claim and next Monday they are ripping out all of the flooring in my entire car and replacing it….no more nasty milk smell.
Long story.
Sorry to monopolize your comment space ;). It’s been a while since I’ve been on here so I thought I’d go all out ;).
In summary, smells suck.
p.s. also, I have to do “home visits” for part of my job….which has brought me to many a smokers’ den as well as a large number of curry-scented abodes (the town I live in is full of them). So, rotten milk+smoke+curry….basically, you probably don’t want to be my friend.
Oh, the intolerance!! First it’s maple syrup-smellin-people. Then it’s pee-smellin-people! Then it’s old people! Okay. Those of you who discriminate like this will likely end up with bladder-control problems in your old age, while completely addicted to Aunt Jemima’s good stuff. You’ll be sneaking around the corner of the nursing home, pulling up your depends, looking for your pusher just to get another hit of that maple-y sweetness.
Okay. that was odd.
The smell of someone else’s vomit makes me wanna yack. Just fyi.
pinky- i can’t deal with throw up. in fact, i can’t even deal with my own. my body refuses to throw up. the last time i did was when i had the kroop (or however the heck you spell that) when i was 4.
rach – oh that is nasty. straight up. i can’t imagine anything worse than a car that reaks of old milk. SICK!
That is so funny. I have indeed met people who I thought smelled like maple syrup. I just figured they had pancakes for breakfast 🙂 I know I’d much rather smell that opposed to that nasty perfume some women wear that take up the whole room and nearly choke you to death.
When I was in grade school there was a boy that picked on me constatly and he always smelled like maple syrup so I think that is where my issues with it come from lol.
wow… christina and lacie— i’m becoming increasingly astounded at the amount of people who know someone that smells like maple syrup. how come i have never been so lucky?!?
ugg..that’s what bacon smells like in my mind. Gross!
Pingback: dear universe | Blunt Delivery
um, it’s true. some people do smell like maple syrup. It comes out like sweat or something – because, let me tell you, it’s NEVER pleasant. I always find myself breathing out of my mouth. It really is a rotten experience. Maybe I smell like ketchup…..
rhema!!! you probably would have smelt like ketchup back in the day when you chugged it! haha
Oh my God- I teach elementary school and I can always tell you what they served for breakfast in the cafeteria because the kids smell like it all day. And since it’s usually some mystery meat on a stick wrapped with syrup- I want to vomit all morning long. This post had me cracking up…. and feeling you! -e
haha! thanks emily. glad you enjoyed it. UM, i can’t imagine teaching elementary. the only thing worse would be middle school. cus then, there are all sorts of NEW smells. ugh.
Pingback: We Not Coming To America If You're There | Blunt Delivery
Pingback: Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business | Blunt Delivery
Pingback: How to talk yourself out of dating almost anyone | Blunt Delivery
Pingback: Kenny Chronicles: Don't Cry Or My Fake Tan Will Run | Blunt Delivery
Pingback: That Time I Told Everyone Your Secrets
The Dollar Shave club is cheap and awesome!