I think now would be a perfect time to discuss goals. Making them, keeping them. For example, one of my goals in the New Year was to stop procrastinating. Actually, you know what? I don’t have time for this, let’s talk about it next week. But what I DO think we should talk about today is the fact that any attempt I’ve made in the last week to “eat on the lighter side” has been shot to heck after polishing off that entire pepperoni pizza and order of bread sticks. Pizza hut, no less, which means I might as well have just hooked up an IV of Country Crock to my veins.
But on a super serious note, I’d like to take this moment to formally apologize to someone near and dear to my heart.
Dear Rickety Old Lady From Whom I Bought My First Car,
You probably don’t remember me considering you were old as dirt at the time. When I was a Sophomore, you had a 1964 Dodge for sale. It was in perfect condition since it had been sitting in your garage for the better half of the 20th century. For some ungodly reason, I wanted that car more than I wanted to see Titanic for the eleventh time. I remember I came to you with a stack of cash and told you that was all I had to my name. I might of teared up a bit. And there’s also a good possibility that may have all been a lie.
But listen Irene, I want you to know that I had many fond memories in that car. I could practically transport the entire school choir in my backseat. Except, of course, for the time that it completely died on me in the middle of an intersection at the bottom of a hill and a car slammed right into me at 70 mph, nearly taking my life. But thankfully, the car was so enormous that the accident left merely a scratch on my bumper – although the other person’s car was completely totaled. Anyway, stop side-tracking me, Doris. My point in writing to you is that I want you to know that I sold that car a month later and quadrupled my money. I know it may seem like I took advantage of your oldness, but really, I think it shows my rather astounding eye for investment opportunities and savvy business sense at such a tender age. Twas only a sign of what would follow. And really, you have to admit that it was grossly under priced -anyone would have known that Margaret.
Ok. Well, I guess that’s about it then. Just wanted to clear the air, sorry for the harsh delivery. We cool?
Stay young,
Blunt.
Alright, let’s try this again:
haha.
I think I did it right this time.
On a more serious note (well, if you count what I say as “serious”), old people with all of their “life experience” and how they know way more than you ever could deserve what they have coming to them when this stuff happens. It’s just part of natural selection.
Man do I hate old people. (But some of the really angry ones can be hilarious.)
oh boy.
i, in fact, do not hate old people. i actually find myself feeling sorry for them and find them rather endearing. but that all changes when you work anywhere and have to deal with their awnry-ness and absolute incomprehendible gripes about completely irrelevant things.
All will come full circle when Brit pays good money to be in the top nursing home only to find that karma has come and no one will change her diaper.
hey. i was young okay bearman. and in my defense, she was also a RICH rickety old lady about to die, so she could deal with it.
you drove a boat. oh no hun lets talk
oneandonly. yes. yes i did. can you still accept me?
I <3’d that car. Why not mention the Talk Girl used to supplement the non-working stereo? That car was one classy piece, but if she was not in the pristine condition that she was actually in (i.e. if beatup, rusty, holes in the interior, etc…) and someone with a molestache, mullet, and gross chest hair would drive the car, then the person would pretty much be extra creeptown. The car would put the traditional creeptown qualities WAY over the top.
Keep up the solid, blogging. I appreciate it.
demim boy. who didn’t love that car? Talk girl? I have no rememberance of this. but it was probably true. classy, yes. but if a creeptown was driving it, you’re right, that would send them sailing over the edge.
Brandon! Shame on you! Did your grandmother never let you help bake cookies and read you stories and let you have anything you ever wanted? Is that why you never smile? On a serious note, if it weren’t for older people, I wouldn’t have a job, for the most part. And they deserve our respect just cause they’ve been here longer and DO know more about the world. I find Dirty Old Men somewhat endearing. Funny, actually. And in my line of work, I just really enjoy making them feel better!
thats great nina. i agree. i love old people. i actually get super sad when i see an old person working like at walmart or something.. i just think they should all be able to retire and enjoy their life.
to be fair, she’s probably bought the bullet by now.
uhhh…. I mean…
That sweet, elderly woman has probably gone on to the mysterious Heavens. Bless her heart.
but…seriously, she’s prolly dead.
yea, thats what i’m betting on jess.
bless her heart indeed.
Seems like everyone’s beat the old lady story to death (no pun intended), so I’ll comment on your opening paragraph:
Pizza Hut is the McD’s of fast food Italian. In your neck of the woods, surely you could have found some locally-made, deep dish monstrosity in which to sink that underbite.
yes of course mvd. but you know, pizza hut is kind of like taco bell. so nasty most of the time, but when you’re really hungry, nothing could ever taste more delicious. sigh.
Um, you wanted that car because you have frickin’ awesome taste in all things cool. Did you not know that?
Yes. It’s true.
Ask me next time you are in doubt.
Hey. Who is Doris?
And, I love Pizza Hut.
pinky. i have no idea what that ladies name was. thus, i referred to her both by doris and by margaret.. hopefully one of them is right.
see? i know whats up. it was a little odd for a 16 yr old girl to drive to school in that beast, but i did love it. unfortunately, so did the old skeezy creeptown guys. hah
The old lady who sold you the car liked you, thought that you were a terrific person, admired the fact that you had enough talent in you to recognize an unappreciated asset, and sold you the car at a ridiculously low price because she likes giving back to the community and helping young people get a leg up. The whole time she used her oldness as a ruse so you would think she was to senile to know the difference.
That’s what old people do, recognize good things in others because of their experience and extend generosity while hiding their cunning.
Do I have to explain everything to you?
lol michael. see everyone?? I AM a GOOD PERSON!
michael knows whats up.
now can you explain why inappropriate men are drawn to me and why women make such crappy friends in general?
Dropping by from sits. Wishing you a fun week.
xoxo
Sock Monkey Hugs
thanks monkey!!!
Ok, let me just start out with the fact that you just reminded me of my guilt I am trying to forget. Last night, I too, ate a pepperoni pizza. THE SHAME, and then popcorn with butter poured over it. But I also went to the gym so there.
Doris/Margaret was probably just happy to have the conversation with – I’m sure some day some young whippersnapper will come to you crying begging for your cheap ass car… you may laugh in their face.. but time will tell 🙂
jules. we unite together in our terrible eating habits. except i never go to the gym. sigh
i’m quite sure, I will laugh in their face. IF i can remember this story by then, that is.
Hey, I have terrible eating habits too. It’s one of my many amazing qualities.
Women make crappy friends for obvious reasons: They’re petty, jealous, emotional, moody, and just overall pretty bitchy. Well, to each other. I don’t think they try very hard to hide their “crazy” from one another.
yes brandon. there will be the obligatory why women suck post, rather soon.
Oh, and in reference to a Snuggie post you made a while back, someone actually compared all alternatives to it here to determine that the Snuggie is a pile of shit. Big surprise!
Emotional? Check. Moody? Check. Except I kinda think those are the same thing. Petty? Depends on your point of view! Jealous? Don’t look at, speak to, or e-mail her, then we won’t have anything to be jealous about! Bitchy? Only if I’m provoked! I have a naturally sweet disposition, just sometimes there’s a few bees in the honey! (Especially when you look at, speak to, or email HER.)
haha. Nina, you hit it right on the head. thats probably just scratching the surface of deep rooted reasons we could find for not wanting to be friends with women. sigh.
Oh well – someone else would have taken her for a ride if not you! at least she thought she did a good deed when you were crying…
see thats what i figure farah… thanks for the reinforcement
Yes, inappropriate men are drawn to you because you are special brand of nerd cheesecake that has exotic looks that brings out the creep factor in otherwise normal men and in regular creeps. More on that later.
Women make crappy friends in general because of competition within the gender group. No “bro’s before ho’s” mantra among womanhood, you would step over each other for the right guy or shoes.
we would absolutely bulldoze them over without a second thought michael. yes.
yea… could you write a blog about the inappropriate men? wait, you don’t write blogs… well, whatever you do?
That letter was poetic. It actually brought tears to my eyes. Hey listen Blunt, I have to evict a young disabled couple and their two Downs Syndrome kids from one of my rental properties. Do you think you could write the eviction notice for me? lol.
craig – this sounds like something right up my alley!
that rough though, downs syndrome. good luck with that. thanks for stopping by!
‘We cool?’ You crack me up! I love your blog 🙂
thanks christina. glad people find amusement in my unfortunate experiences. hah
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brandon, hey, i know what you mean and since i am searching for something to make me happy this dreary day, hoping you never become an old person just about does the trick for me. that big ol’ rollin house payment (pick-up)which you prob drive like rambo down the hiway, intimadating all others, except bigger trucks..maybe one day, before you get too old. i might take my teeth out and give a grin when i see those giant fake “BALLS” danglin upside down on the side of the road that you can’t even 4 wheel your way out of….hahahhaHAHAHAHA..NOW THAT’S A LAUGH..the mental vision is so sweet.. those balls danglin and your truck stuck upside down like a turtle on it’s back..and nothin movin but the balls on your trailer jack..(did ya know that is what they put those silver round thing on the back of the bed was put on there for?)