So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago. This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods. So as I was rummaging through countless, dusty boxes of love letters, 7 bridesmaid dresses, various throw pillows from my inability to commit to a living room color, a shot glass collection, a postcard collection, a key chain collection, and inventory from my retail store, I found my favorite discovery of all – an old hot pink Composition notebook and mystery container from Haiti.
EXIBIT A
What first appeared to be a refuge for Spanish homework, turned out to have many hidden and wondrous glimpses into my life back in 2001.
I’d just like to ask if anyone has a clue why I was writing natural remedies for common hair care dilemmas in the middle of my Spanish homework? Please see EXHIBIT A and respond to me with any suggestions you may have.
Your answers may unlock the mystery to a lifetime of complex issues.
Among the most amazing of all discoveries was: 1. a list of qualifications for my future mate, and 2. a list of 20 “Things I Will Accomplish.” Written with the same authority and determination of any 18 year old with a bad case of ADHD and no sense of the world whatsoever. Today we will simply tackle “Things I Will Accomplish.”
Dear Me 10 Years Ago,
I understand that you’re just a kid with lofty dreams, but there are some things you need to understand. In glancing over your list, I can’t help but notice you’re a bit obsessed with the Spanish culture according to points #2, #12, and #13, which is perplexing, but I assure you this is only a phase that will last about as long as your next boyfriend. Your desire to eat tacos for consecutive weeks on end, however, will not subside.
adjustments have been made in RED
#6 – In regards to Paris, please don’t go. Just trust me on this one. #13 -Stick to your guns on studying abroad in South America. Please don’t allow a charming, dark-haired boy, who has mesmerized you with his intelligence and ability to play Radiohead songs, to talk you into going to London instead. If, by chance, you do end up in London, please do your best to avoid allBritish-Indian men who wear Versace Couture leather jackets and get regular facials. If ever there was a time you should accept advice, it would be now.
# 4 -Yes, please get your teeth fixed. Who are you, Jewel? #7 – On a more serious note, Oprah is a beotch, but you’ll have to learn the hard way. Even the future you cannot possibly convince you otherwise at this point. #1 – When you finally go to Italy and accomplish your childhood dream, please don’t drop your camera off the edge of the Coliseum. They make wrist straps for a reason. And seatbelts, but that’s a dead horse.
#8 – Don’t try to learn the guitar. Remember Spanish? Please stop trying to learn new things, it’s getting expensive and you’re making it increasingly hard to accomplish #18. #19 – LASIC? Is this really on your ‘Things To Accomplish’ list? What the heal is wrong with you? Do you want to die? Have you seen Stevie Wonder lately?! You just sit tight, four eyes.
#10 – I’m sorry for all the incessant laughter. But in about 10 years, you’ll see why this is hilarious. #17 – What are you, some kind of freak? #3 – Oh, boy. If you had any idea how much you won’t be accomplishing this. Ever. So, please don’t try. Again, focus on #18.
#20 – Yea, good luck with that.
Love,
Future You.
P.S. When you do meet Enrique Iglesias, please start walking away the first time your friend mentions she wants to sneak backstage and touch his rock-hard abs. She’s not joking. And neither are the cops.