[I apologize for all who tried to comment on the guest blog by Jen on Monday. Apparently, there were some issues with Explorer not allowing comments. Thank you for your emails and all the great advice! I really appreciate you guys. But more importantly, why are you still using Explorer?]
Yesterday, the moon was in the second house. The sun was shining. It was quasi-warm in the Midwest for the first time since Christmas. The alignment of all these rare events led to a brilliant idea on my part. And by brilliant, I mean an idea that led to devastating embarrassment.
I decided, for the first time in five years, to clean out my beautiful baby Saturn. I have oft neglected such duties on account that my baby is 12 years old, has a hole in the hood, leaks on me every time it rains and is probably about to breathe it’s last breath. And I figure that would just be quality time wasted on cleaning, when I could be Twittering or Facespacing, or thinking of more reasons to hate Neil Diamond.
Let me first set the scene for you. I had just gotten out of the shower and I let my hair air dry. Let me just tell you that you’ve never seen anything like an air-dried pile of half-curly, unruly Italian hair. That being said, I also had applied some white zit cream to my chin and left cheek due to an overly stressful week. I put on my “house glasses” and all of you who wear glasses know what I mean by that. You have the normal pair, which can be seen in public. Then, you have the “house” pair, which used to be a normal pair until someone sat on them or the prescription became outdated and now they are solely used for laying in bed and watching TV. Also, since it was warm, I was wearing my daisy duke plaid PJ shorts and a wife beater. And Ugg boots.
I went in the garage and started cleaning. The world was at peace and that’s where this story should end.
But it doesn’t, cus I’m full of bright ideas, remember?
I thought to myself, “It’s sunny out and everyone is at work. I’m just gonna back out of the garage for a bit so I can see things better, but I’ll still be inside the car so no one will see me.”
Well, I suppose that would have generally been the case. But NOT YESTERDAY. Around the corner, I see a man walking by out of the corner of my eye. I had the driver side door open, with one leg out, like some sort of car straddling white trash person.
I ignored him at first, because, I’m sort of the hermit of the neighborhood and no one talks to me.
Except, of course, new neighbors who move next door and want to introduce themselves.
Are you starting to connect the dots?
He walks straight over. Probably about thirty. Gorgeous, wearing a suit. As he approached, I instantly panicked. There is NO WAY I can escape this. He shouts, “I’m new here, trying to get around and meet all the neighbors.” I stared down at the floormats and kept cleaning. I said, “Oh, nice to meet you.”
For goodness sakes, isn’t that enough recognition for any ordinary person? This is America, after all.
Then, only because it’s my life, he kept walking closer. He stands right next to me and I quickly adjusted the shorts, considering the very compromising position I was in. At that moment, I was so preoccupied with not flashing him that I did not recollect the zit cream on my face until he blatantly glared at my chin. As he stuck out his hand, he said, “I’m Todd. I work for the local news. Nice to meet you.”
Oh, the news. Of coursssssssse you do.
I get a lot of emails asking if people can purchase photos from my blog. So….I introduce to you: Free Photo Fridays.
[Free Photo Fridays are a little break from my regular blog posts. I love photography. And I love sharing it with other people. So, on Fridays, I post a high resolution download of one of my favorite pictures for you to use. Hang it on your wall. Use it for your desktop. Frame it and give it to your mom. Do whatever you want. Also, if you have a picture you’d like to add, send it to me at info@bluntdelivery.com and I’ll feature it with a link back to your site. Share the love people.]
Since it is finally getting warm out, I will start with this picture of melting Midwestern ice. Click here to download. [3216 x 2136 px]
Oh wow that is an introduction he won’t forget. Nice work!
sigh. that’s about how my life goes
If it’s anything like an air-dried pile of half-curly, unruly Polish hair, I feel your pain. But mostly, I just laugh at it. 😉
oh man. polish hair is pretty frizzy.
we are a hot mess.
I’ve completely given up on zit cream.
I’d have to apply it with some kind of roller (or build a spray booth of sorts) and why put a dent in the world-wide supply when there’s still hope for others.
Amazing photo, B.D. – finally Wednesdays won’t completely suck. 🙂
i don’ t know what is in that crap, but it freaking bleaches all my towels!!! =/
I find that I only look good when there is absolutely no one of any consequence around to see me.
I miss you.
my life is one giant string of looking good when no one cares.
ugh.
xoxox
on the cup half full side… maybe you’ll make the news?
That would be bitchin.
it would not be bitchin in any sense of the word. neither bitch, or in, would it be.
From all your poor friends, we thank you for this free, amazing art.
Second of all….the hottie who used to work at my office and who only comes in every blue moon now ALWAYS (and I mean, pretty close to always) comes in when I either have a pimple, or haven’t given a shit about what I wear that day, or BOTH.
God has a sick, sick sense of humor.
sigh. what UP WITH THAT?
i mean, i seriously haven’t cleaned my car out in about five years. of COURSe, i would do it THAT day. and looking like the white trash invasion.
Todd from the news. Are you kidding me? Was he looking for a story? Who walks down the block approaching their alleged neighbors unannounced and uninvited? I’m not sure about this, but that just might be un-American. (smile) But I suspect he still thought you were pretty darn cute. On a completely unrelated note, I was one of the readers left completely clueless without a commenting option.
definitely. not. kidding.
RIGHT?? who does that? what is this 1950? for all he knows i could be packin.
Sh*t…when we moved into our socially inept neighborhood years ago, I would hang out in our yard for hours WAITING for someone to stop and say hi. (I had dreams of being brought cakes and casseroles when we moved in ~ HA!)
Free hi-res photos…man…you’re generous!! So what do you want in return? 🙂
Great shot!
nothing but your smiling face my darling!!!
Do any of said photos involve boobies?
A friend wanted me to ask.
tell your friend he should get the guts to ask questions himself.
One can only wonder what that dude was thinking. . . and it never fails! Every time I do some random thing (and it’s always the ONE time), I always end up with company unexpectedly. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I haven’t learned from my mistakes yet, either.
i NEVER EVER answer my door anymore.
and will never ever clean my car again.
I may or may not have experience when it comes to being aesthetically unprepared for visitors…
…and that situation may or may not have to do with the lack of shaving that occurs pretty much all over my body in the winter, a pair of tie-dyed underwear and not picking up on the fact that “can I come over to study” was actually a euphemism.
hahahahah! yea, i’m Italian… so i understand about the winter haitus. too much hassle!
You know how whenever there is a trajedy they always find the dumbest looking crackhead in the neighborhood to comment on the news. Guess which reporter will be coming to your house?
baaaaaahahahaha. you’re so right.
so so right.
Aw man! Gorgeous AND works for the news! That is bad!
But perhaps you could go over later with some baked goods and introduce yourself better attired and explain how you don’t normally walk out in public like that! 🙂
trust me. i have thought about strolling through the neighborhood casually on my way to work. looking like a HUMAN
there must’ve been something in the air yesterday, b/c I (who never cleans ANYTHING) slid on my best friend’s trusty cat shorts (WHY do I still have these?), my shirt that has a unicorn farting out “magic”, and tall socks with low shoes, cleaned out MY dented pos corolla. Then, as fate would have it, MY new neighbor, all glam (who doesn’t move in 6 inch heels, right?), walks up and introduces herself. I am not kidding. Granted, it was a she, but same story as you. Weird. The only good thing is that The Snorer of Death will no longer be snoring me awake above my bedroom. 🙂
oh man. that is CRAZY!! i feel slightly better.
slightly.
and i mean, really slightly. but it’s something.
oh gosh this made my day- yes you made my day. Oh Tod ….what a pleasant surprise. Seriously, only you Brit only you. Did you even try to explain….ugh anything? Who cares anyway right? Gosh I love you. Thanks for sharing this I haven’t stopped laughing. Love you.
haha. well, that’s what my life is for, afterall.
I thought it was just me that couldn’t leave a comment on the last post, good to know that I’m not alone.
Oh sweetie…..if it makes you feel any better….my embarassing moment was when I saw a couple of cute surfer dudes on the docks in laughlin and I was trying to be cool until I stubbed my toe on the cleat (The hook you use to tie up the boat) and plunged in the water where mutated carp started sucking on me…*shudders*
thanks for trying kelly! sorry about the hassle….. =(
ughhhhh anything involving a mutated carp beats any story i could have had. gross.
annndddddd…..there was that one time I got kicked out of a pow wow. Apparently when they let me participate I screwed up the dance and-let me tell you something. You have not lived life until you have a seven foot tall native american wearing crow feathers tells you to get out of the circle.
So….Yeah….If pissing off the native americans isn’t embarrassing then I don’t know what is.
Oh, wow. I took a picture just like that this winter except mine sucked. So I guess it wasn’t just like that at all.
It’s times like these when I get really upset that my little netbook doesn’t let me have a background photo, because this would be IT. Even though Justin told me a netbook is “just like” a full-sized laptop, I got over the fact that it doesn’t have a CD drive. I got over the fact that it came with a crappy operating system that only offers a fraction of the capabilities of a normal PC. But this? Not having a customized background photo? It’s like they’re trying to be assholes.
I think I got off topic. Sorry. Nice shot! Oh, and at least Todd didn’t have his camera guy with him…
dude. no customizable desktop photo? screw that noise.
that’s the FIRST thing that happens when i get any new device. hah.
Yeah I can see that might be a smite embarrasing..I have this image of young guy..a mark walhberg type but a little older coming over and saying hi to you..he smiles but you think its because he caught you at an awkward time but actually he is just polite and you dont know yet cause you just met..that he is gay….or maybe its the music i am listening to right now….great story though…..zman sends
he kinda did look like mark walhberg now that i think about it.
i don’ t know. if he was gay, it’d make me alot happier.
Ugh, I feel your pain. People always want to chat when I’ve decided to neglected to brush…brush my hair, brush my teeth, use my lint brush.
hahaha. the failure to brush…
i still use explorer because i only get to read blogs lately at work on my dinner break on a shitacular computer the only has explorer… THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN. My clinic has to be dragged kicking and screaming into new technology, the computers that are not shite are reserved for actual work 🙁
(and I still write up all my cases by hand. . . )
I don’t have house glasses.. I have work, and not work glasses. To hopefully avoid being out and about in glasses that may or may not have blood on them.
but, yes, i can see how that would be embarrassing for most people. to be honest, that would be pretty standard situation for me. I am ridiculously lazy when it comes to my appearances on a day to day basis. My hair is unruly and I have never bothered to master it… when I so much as brush it, everyone at work comments on how nice I look that day 😛 I’ve also been on the news with not just the unruly hair gone wild, but a huge line across my forehead from my surgical cap :/ (on the plus side, when I do decide to clean up, look more than presentable, and maybe even wear make up.. people are super impressed ;D )
ps – love the free photo fridayness! which i can’t actually appreciate at work, but will hopefully remember to tune in to from home for lovely photo hoarding. . . mmm….