I had like 7 dreams last night.
First, I was shot in the stomach and pulled the bullet out myself, while driving to the hospital. Then, I was being chased through the jungle by kidnappers. Then, I was eating cupcakes in my mom’s kitchen as I watched my dad get assaulted in the backyard.
Now either I really need to stop eating hummus before bed, or I need to quit falling asleep to 24 on Netflix.
You know how when you have so much going on in your head you feel overwhelmed even trying to put together a cohesive thought? Well, I can’t even choose which thought I’d like to try to put together at this point. That’s bad.
So, instead, I’m going give you a glimpse into my past week, which consisted of consecutive failures on my part. And on the universe’s part.
I’m gonna kick this one off with my mom’s birthday dinner, when my dad, who couldn’t wait for the waitress to bring him a spoon, ate his ice cream with a butter knife. Like a 5 year-old. Except not even that, cus they aren’t allowed to play with knives.
The next day, I was attempting to sit down on the couch with some food, watch TV, and relax for like two minutes. As I went to grab the blanket on the couch, it knocked over this glass onto my carpet, which was full of cranberry juice. Not only cranberry juice though, ground flax seeds because they are good for the ticker and you know how I almost had that heart condition. Ever try to get cranberry juice out of cream carpet? How about when it’s mixed with ground seeds? Oh, but what you can’t see is the wine glass that was still there left from the night before, which landed on the other side of the coffee table and splashed red wine all over the side of my white couch.
My friend Jo (eye patch girl) and I have decided start walking on a quasi-regular basis. We started last week. I also started discovering that McDonalds cheeseburgers are not only delicious when drunk, but also when you’re about to go for a walk.
When in the middle of the worst storm you ever remember having, while staring at a funnel cloud, it’s a bad time to realize you live in an upper unit condo, with absolutely no tornado plan whatsoever. Or flashlight. Or radio.
While setting up for your grandparent’s garage sale, this is high on the list of things you don’t want to discover.
Stumbling upon an entire AISLE of varieties of boxed wine. It was like a hidden paradise.
My nightstand the next morning. That is crust from a sandwich that I apparently demanded at 4 a.m. because I couldn’t get my hands on any McDonalds cheeseburgers.
Finally being in the mood to paint and then when you get all the colors home they look NOTHING like they did in the store, under the stupid florescent lighting. Yet another reason why it should be banned from the world. So, then you take it back 70 times to have it remixed and then you just decide to watch 24 on Netflix cus it’s too dark to paint.
Last week, when we were supposed to go walking, the apartment building next to Jo’s got struck by lightening and burned down. She also manages the apartments and so she was obviously preoccupied for a couple days. Then, Tuesday night, her car broke down in my driveway as we were about to drive to the park.
This girl will stop at nothing to get out of exercise.
It broke down in an “inappropriate parking spot” so I had to leave legitimate warnings for the neighbors.
We actually DID end up walking that night. But it doesn’t matter, cus the next day Jo needed to have a late night talk and I happened to have a 2-for-1 Steak N Shake shake coupon. It’s kind of our thing. We can’t have serious any kind of talks without them. Try the Key Lime if it’s the last thing you do. It’s got graham cracker crumblies on top!
Sigh.
Wondering where I went? I have returned to blogging over at my whole foods blog Celery and the City, where we live so clean it’s like your insides took a bath.
I need a shake and some wine. Pronto.
PS You have aptly demonstrated why I prefer wood floors. I once fell off a couch while trying to get up. I didn’t want to let go of my cordial or my cookies so I decided to faceplant instead. My Australian host family laughed about it for… are still laughing about it.
dude, i want hard wood floors soooooo bad. first i need to pay for stuff like, the dentist, whom i’ve been avoiding for like 6 years.
so, my tag line is eye patch girl? uuugh. and here is another one of the most unflattering photos of me ever. Warning: unless you want to be exploited on her blog, stay far away from Brit’s camera phone.
Those key lime shakes are awesome, though. 🙂
um, sorry?
Your life is fun! I like it.
eh, i like it sometimes.
1. I know you live up north but I was just in WI and it is warm there. You DON’T need a blanket. So your own fault. And how about a juice glass instead of a top heavy coffee cup.
2. Your dad has manners. I would have just picked up the dish and started licking the ice cream.
3. What kind of generic ass ibuprofen is that? No wonder you have a heart condition.
4. When you gonna post my wedding advice…your 5 year anniversary??
1. how about i DID need a blanket cus one day it’s 90 here and the next day it’s like snowing.
2. my dad rocks
3. ugh. it’s all the same get over yourself. such a high maintenance bear
4. totally forgot about that cus it’s sitting over in my yahoo acct that i never use.
I eat hummus too. I freakin’ LOVE hummus! However, I don’t think I’ll try eating it before bed – HA!
HOLY COW….the photo of that funnel cloud is scar-y! Great shot, though!
Okay, and I’ve got to try boxed wine again, because the only time I ever drank it was over at someone else’s house and it tasted like plastic. Maybe it’s just me, but I have this weird psychological hangup about having to drink wine from bottle rather than a box. So do tell….what box brand do you drink, I’ll have to get it?
Yeah, and I’ll also have to try that Steak N Shake Key Lime shake because I love anything key lime. It looks delish!
Have a great weekend, girl!
X
P.S. your dad is a hoot!
i hate hummus. it has to be a certain thickness for me to like it, can’t be slimey. the only kind i ever liked was the spinach artichoke walmart brand and they discontinued it —punks!!!! that was the only way i got myself to eat veggies… ugh, i was so healthy there for a couple months.
“The sexually active man past forty”. It made my day! Seriously.
it didn’t make mine!
it didn’t make mine! haha
Sounds like a rough week, B.D. – but what doesn’t kill ya’ right? Eh. I hate it when people say that. Those people are usually having a much better time of it then whoever it is they bust that gem out on.
I’ve found stains often come out of the carpet best when you grind them into the fibers. I like to recommend using steel wool to really get down in there… and sometimes I’ll put a little key lime shake on top first (just for good measure). You might think it smells good the first few weeks… but trust me, B.D., it’s a gift that just keeps on giving! 🙂
i didn’t even need any steel wool (do they even make that anymore) the seeds just automatically ground themselves into the carpet. UGH, such a mess.
I am sorry but I got stuck on the major juice/seed spill. I did read the rest of your post but primarily to learn how you got the stain out and I’m left to surmise that you did not. Two questions immediately entered my mind. 1.) Why in God’s name would YOU have white carpet and white furniture? 2.) You did not panic and go running through the house screaming — instead you stopped to take a picture — is that correct???
um, pretty much. …. at that point i was panicking so much that i just said screw it. I mean, there was red stuff on all sides
Holy crap, is that a real funnel cloud? Because I’m so jealous, I wanna see a tornado so bad.
Miss youuu!
um, yes it was real. and right outside my window!!! miss you peaches!
not sure about the cranberry juice never had to clean that but anything with oxy (shockingly an infomercial product works) will eat the red wine so easily. I have cream carpets in my apt and spilled red wine used woolite oxy deep on it and didn’t even scrub just patted it in with the bottom of the bottle and within a few minutes it had turned carpet colored again. amazing.
hmmmm…. i heard like you need something organic for stuff like grape juice/red wine. in other words, lemon juice or something natural. Whatever. i just moved my couch over a few inches.
Walking regimen = mortal enemy to both McD cheeseburger and Steak N Shake milkshakes. Don’t fight that war Brit… just stay safe.
i was never a good fighter. you know me, i’m all love. i’ve embraced the shakes
In celebration of you, I had a piece of key lime pie this weekend. (We don’t have Shake N Steaks here.)
I’m totally with your dad on the knife. If he had to wait for the waitress to bring a spoon, the ice cream might have melted.
dude, key lime anything is my jam.
Your dad is awesome. Ice cream waits for no man.
Did you take that picture of a cheeseburger while going 40 mph. I’m scared.
All I can say is Steak N’ Shake! I have never heard of that before but it sounds right up my alley. I am writing these words on my laptop from a hotel room in London. Yeah, London baby. I’m here soaking up some good old British charm and I’ve taken the time to check out your blog. There’s something wrong with this picture.
that is actually just as life should be. so jealous!!!
Let me just say I take comfort in knowing I’m not the only one who has “days” like these. What is “Steak N’ Shake”? MY site is … fixed… at LAST! Last time I asked for flax seed here, the man handed me over bird feed!
steak n shake is just like greasy fast food. with really really good shakes. you’re not missing much. except the shakes
Your family sounds like a lot of fun – especially grandpa
😉 grandpa is the WORST!
ever have orange candle wax splattered all over new carpet??
um, no. but i have red candle wax all run down my wall onto my white trim and carpet…
WHO KNEW there were so many varieties of boxed wine? I usually only see like two. I’m excited now.
dude, i discovered a grocery store that has two aisles of boxed wines.
1. Woolite Oxy Deep carpet cleaner in the twin jet pack-looking bottle with the red turbo speed nozzle. I sprayed it all over my red wine-covered, brand spankin’ new rug, wiped the snot and tears from my face, went to bed, and woke up to a clean rug. It’s a miracle product.
2. Key lime shake?? I think you might have discovered my new favorite thing. And I haven’t even tried it yet.
3. I’m reading your blog from Spain. If that’s not commitment, I don’t know what is.
dude, you’re reading from a spain. Jen is reading from London. this is off the charts
i soooo did not need to see the book ‘ol grandpa was selling. seriously. i hope you aren’t blind.
and if you saw my grandpa you’d second that.
Sorry that I have been MIA for a few. Am trying to get caught back up as we speak and am loving the cell phone diaries. The one of your dad eating with the knife absolutely cracks me up.
miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! come back to me!
an AISLE of boxed wine?! dear lord.
also, key lime shake? sounds deadly. wants.
Anyhow, the point is, this whole post makes me love you. Just saying.
And your dad is my hero. Right up there with my friend who started eating peanut butter because our food was taking to long.
sometimes, you just can’t wait.
Gotta love your dad for being such a good sport. Good help these day is hard to find. Wait, that was two years ago. Today you can find good help lined up 5 lines thick, out the door and around the corner of every unemployment office in this country (and other countries too).
Ah….so that’s what patch girl looks like….
🙂
Nice tape work.
I will never know the attraction to boxed wine, because I am too insecure to purchase it.
Wood floors are highly overrated. By the time you get back (from the kitchen) with the towel, that spill has traveled across the room and seeping between the floor boards. Go ahead, try and roll up the old floorboards to have them cleaned.
Gee!….that’s a whole lotta flax seed you be takin’ in.
A much easier way to get that stuff down is to sprinkle a little on top of your yogurt, add to bread, muffin and roll dough, sprinkle on top of the peanut butter on your PB&J….and so on….
Love the shakes…..but what’s better that a Mac-cheese-burger? A freshly made HOT Mac-cheese-burger. Order one without the pickle and condiments and they have to make one up for you right then and there…none of the old warmed over heat lamp burgers
Say…are we going to get a peek at your freshly painted walls? I love those makeover shows……okay, maybe not….
Wishing you a beautiful day tomorrow
dude, NOTHING is better than those little mac cheeseburgers.
Woops…That up there, was me……forgot to sign in
Then again, my avatar (up there) is that of patch girl.
hmmm…..