If I told you what has transpired in the past three weeks you wouldn’t even believe me. I don’t even believe it. And since I’m in no mood to argue with you about the legitimacy of my ridiculous life, this blog will have nothing to do with what happened. Mmmmk?
I mention this only so that you can know I’m writing this post after a life-altering, sleep-deprived-stress-filled two weeks and you need to lower your expectations as of a paragraph ago. I mean, given the title, I’m pretty sure you’ve already turned on a Bravo marathon and busted out the nail clippers.
Welp. I don’t usually like to read because I’m a rebellious, unsophisticated punk. But I was scrolling through the pages of a blog, when I came across the “bucket list” tab and started to break out in hives. Lemme tell you something about bucket lists: I don’t like ’em. I don’t like ’em one bit. All the way from their beady little eyes to their unkempt toenails. Bucket lists = pressure. As if I really need ANOTHER reason to feel like a loser when I turn 30? I don’t need to add to the pile: looking at my “30 before 30” list and seeing that I’ve only done 1.5 things all year besides being a loser. Appeal factor? Zero.
I find it interesting to scroll through and see what magical things people have to cross off their lists. Like, for some reason, turning 40 isn’t going to suck anymore as long as you can say you’ve gone white water rafting or climbed the Andes. It’s a psychological game with yourself and spoiler alert: you’re going to lose. That’s just a lil something I picked up from CSI. What’s even weirder is how I can check a vast majority of things off most of those bucket lists, yet I don’t feel complete. Or accomplished. Or any better about my age. Bucket lists are clearly very relative. The creepy relative that makes me uncomfortable at Thanksgiving.
So I’ve decided to think smarter and not harder. I’ve devised my own bucket list of already completed things to give myself a sense of false accomplishment. And guess what? I’m feeling just phenomenal.
My bucket list:
1. Drive through a walled city on a mountainside in Tuscany, Italy. Get out to take pictures in the town square and realize I’ve just crashed a funeral that the whole town is attending. Check.
2. Climb a Mayan pyramid in Mexico while wearing flip flops and then wish I would have taken Jose’s word about the poorly pasteurized cheese enchiladas once I get to the top. Check.
3. Ride the world’s highest cable car and get stuck in a lightening storm, while suspended in a glass box over the mountains for two hours as I make another bucket list: survive only so I can break up with the guy that thought it was a good idea to ever take me on a cable car ride. Ever. Check.
4. Accidentally date a charming guy from London, who turned out to be not so much charming as much as he was a heroin addict. Check.
5. Walk into class and have my 3rd grade teacher whisper that I’ve tucked toilet paper AND my skirt into the back of my tights. Check.
6. Gain 5 lbs because Wendy’s keeps pulling fast ones by adding “all natural” and “sea salt” to their french fry billboards. Check.
7. See the Eiffel Tower at night (except I never really wanted to do this). And at sunrise (except I never really wanted to see anything at sunrise).Check.
8. In high school, discover that I have one giant ear and one regular ear and when I tell my parents the disastrous news, they laugh in my face saying, “We were wondering when you were going to notice that!” Check.
9. Spend a month trying and failing to teach Mexican natives how to pronounce the letter “W” while I video tape them so I can laugh for years to come. Check.
11.Discover my purse missing after leaving the Moulin Rouge. Become the Bambi of Paris, wandering the red light district with no money or knowledge of the French language. Proceed to take out all of my frustrations on the country of France til the end of time, amen. Check.
12. Lose all my best friends to myth that is “like, totally awesome” California life. Check.
13. Call my dad over to my condo in the middle of the night to kill what I presume (and announce on Facebook) to be a cockroach, but really it turns out to be just an over-sized waterbug. Check.
14. Protest California for stealing all my friends. And Hollister, except not really, because their hoodies are too soft. And they’re currently on clearance. Check.
15. Protest China. Just because. Check.
Sigh. Well. I sure feel better. I think you should do. Just by osmosis.
And no, I never saw the movie.
{Disclaimer: I think it’s great to set goals for yourself blah blah blah. You’re just a better person than I am and I cant handle the self-inflicted pressure.}
I have returned to blogging over at Celery and the City where I write about clean eating, healthy living and post allergy and gluten free recipes!
Oh yea? Well here’s how I feel about your Bucket List post — LOVE. IT.
bahhahahha. and i love YOU twinsie!
Your bucket list still kicks my bucket list’s ass, as I refuse to make one of either past or future accomplishments, mostly because I’m lazy and have the attention span of a gnat on crack. Plus, who would care? I like yours because I like you, but with most blogs, I’m done after .3 seconds.
Anyway, I tweeted the other day about how no one will ever make a candle that smells like a potato forgotten in the pantry, nor should they (or something along those lines.) Evidently someone thinks the room needs to smell like canned ham though–as proven by your pictures–so perhaps I jumped the gun.
Hope you’re okay. Bye.
Hahaha. a forgotten potato. But can we both admit there is nothing more terrifying than finding a gooey potato? oh man, horrendous
“Lemme tell you something about bucket lists: I don’t like ‘em. I don’t like ‘em one bit. All the way from their beady little eyes to their unkempt toenails. Bucket lists = pressure. As if I really need ANOTHER reason to feel like a loser when I turn 30? I don’t need to add to the pile: looking at my “30 before 30″ list and seeing that I’ve only done 1.5 things all year besides being a loser. Appeal factor? Zero.”
HA! I couldn’t agree with you more. I HATE bucket lists! I mean what’s the point? By the time I get my wish, I’m already wishing for something else!
However, I do love YOUR bucket list….
“2. Climb a Mayan pyramid in Mexico while wearing flip flops and then wish I would have taken Jose’s word about the poorly pasteurized cheese enchiladas once I get to the top. Check.”
Bwhahahahahahahahaha! LOVED that!
Fab post, girl!
A+!
X ya bunches!
oh ron. the only thing that would have made any of those things any better was if you were there with me bestie!!! xoxo
Ugh, I can’t stand the new sea salted fries. They taste like fish, which to me tastes like a$$.
Heck no, I ain’t doing a bucket list. Too depressing.
hahahahaha. oh Lisa. hilarious. i fricken HATE fish. especially the kind that doesn’t taste like fish. 😉
You had me from “Candle Ham”.
And though I too come across “bucket lists” and break out in hives, I did stay with yours to the finish filled with laughter and covered in Calamine Lotion.
haha. oh granny.
Seriously. They had candles that smelled like motor oil too!
Bucket lists also make me nervous. I don’t like them. Just like I don’t like award shows. I feel pressure to win awards AND to do all this GREAT BIG stuff with my life and jesus I’m just getting through the day without eating tons of cake and bread and drinking tea spiked with whiskey or bourbon every night…
PS: I really hope I can see you the friday after Thanksgiving. I’ll buy you a tea mixed with bourbon.
award shows. bucket lists. even to do lists.
it’s all just too much. we’re a delicate breed. and of COURSE i’ll see you 😉
I’m all about lowering expectations at this point in my life. I spent my twenties and most of my thirties worrying that I wasn’t doing enough, the right things, yada yada yada. I have now gotten over that. Well, except on the rare occasion that I have too much to drink while in the midst of an existential angst explosion. Then, I switch to chocolate and stop thinking about things deeper than my television viewing choices.
I may need to get me one of those ham candles.
I’m with you Jen. except I’m hoping to break the mold of worry about what others think by the start of my 30s and then just go downhill from there. i’ll add that to my bucket list.
I’m personally torn on bucket lists. I’m not sure if they are a good push to get some of the things you’ve always wanted to do done… or just a distraction from the fact that you are getting old and there is simply nothing you can do about it. It depends on my mood. But I think for many people, at least writing in list form what they want to accomplish makes it a little more real and doable… but I can imagine the depression involved with not completing anything on the list. That’s why I love your side banner of your blog… this is not a bucket list 🙂
I mean, yes. I can see how they can motivate some.
me = not some. 😉
missing one….I cant think of it but I know you are missing something 🙂
well, i mean, if i were to list ALL the ridic things i’ve done, this blog would have never ended. haha
I personally think that that list is a complete and accurate account of all things that anyone should want to accomplish in their life. So Bravo!! Does that mean you are ready to shuffle off this mortal coil now? I hope not. I need you to keep bringing the funny. And, how else would I have ever know about the CANDle Ham!! Brilliant.
bahahahaha. mortal coil? that was great.
Haha, #5 and #8 made me lol. I agree with your bucket list philosophy. So on board with that! But you really don’t need a bucket list because you already live an exciting life, apparently. 🙂
OH gail. The bucket list finds ME.
… wait. I’m still stuck on the ham candle. It’s 97% fat free? What, that’s if you eat it?
Or can you breath in fat these days?
hahaha. it smelled pretty greasy
This is the kind of noncommittal stuff I expect from you: bucket lists of stuff you’ve already done to avoid the pressure of needing to complete something in any amount of time.
My list currently consists of “be awesome,” and I’ve been checking that one off for quite a while.
Also, I refuse to watch Bravo since I do not have lady parts.
hahaha yes you have!! Um. bravo is awesomesauce and you need to get acquainted right meow!
Must be very satisfying to have all your shit finished already. I really hate you Type A types. I’m not even making a list because who needs to litter their life with more evidence that they will never amount to anything.
hah. well yes, Jonah. that was kinda the point of making the list of things i’ve ALREADY done. 😉
You are such a Ham (candle)
Isn’t a water bug a roach? I don’t know, I step on both. I am sure in the next life, I will be like Men in Black where the bugs seek their revenge.
I hate when restaurants pull you in with healthy sounding shit only to find out pounds later they were just a tad healthier than their 2000 calorie burger.
that water bug was ridiculously big i mean, it looked like it had two bodies.
i’m not sure what was more shocking, that or the ham candle
My bucket list sprung a leak in the 90’s 🙁
bahahahaha. um.
I LOVE this concept. what’s so great about developing the ultimate list of lists that you’ll probably not have the time to tackle while you’re alive? better to think of all the bizarre and unbelievable stuff you’ve already done! Your list is amazing. Except for that bug that looked like a cockroach. Ick.
Hey. Just sayin hey. Thinking about you 🙂
-diane
I mean, i’m just saying life is too busy with stuff i have to do on a daily basis that i just don’t know i’d incorporate jumping out of airplanes and hiking thru deserts
I got distracted by the last photo. What are random sonic tots?
Sonic is an amazing U.S. fast food place that pays homage to the drive-up days of yore where rollerskate-riddled servers would bring trays of greasy food right to your car. Sonic tots are tater tots, but the place is probably best known for their Cherry Limeaids (which I think are overrated), and to me, best known for the awesomest peanut butter shakes in the history of the world.
Yes, SONIC is pretty much amazing. Their ice cream / drinks are delish and they give you tater tots instead of fries? come on.
They never should have moved across the street
This is the sort of cultural influence you have… I now feel distinctly uncool for having a bucket list. I like to think it’s more a concession to my forgetfullness though – things that I should remember I want to do at some point.
hahaha oh hannah. It’s not meant to make anyone feel bad!!!!! I”m just a loser who doesn’t like pressure and can’t motivate myself to take care of something such as a bucket list. haha
So I totally feel the same way and I didn’t even realize it. I guess that’s why I didn’t make any big proclamations about turning 29 and how it’s such a big deal and how I have to do all this shit before I turn 30 and blah blah blah. If I had a bucket list and then died tomorrow, that would both confirm and immortalize the fact that I died as a big fat failure of a human being. And I already feel like that enough.
Anyway, here’s the new plan: We pitch the Travel Channel or PBS (but probably the Travel Channel since it’s likely they’d pay more) about doing a cross-country road trip show about a couple of neurotic almost-30-year-olds who are determined to find the best French fry — nay, freedom fry — in America. Yeah?
Also, I’m buying you some wine glasses.
And P.S. One of my ears is significantly lower than the other. So when I buy glasses, the guy has to bend the ear pieces all wonky to get them to sit straight on my face. And they still don’t.
Um.
I think any reality tv idea involving us would be a win/ win. and when i say win/win, i mean that we’d make billions of $$ yet simultaneously resign ourselves to no one ever taking us seriously again.
Since no one takes me seriously now, I’d hardly consider that a loss. 😉
I don’t make lists and I don’t set goals, it’s a wonderful life.
isn’t it though?
Twas about time you got a new post up. As always, worth the wait – hilarious…
yea yea, well. darn life.
Oh yeah? Well, the only reason I even have 30 Before 30 and 35 Before 35 lists is because of people like you. Look at all the cool places you’ve been! I’ve never been to any of ’em. I need a list to feel better about myself. And making the list forces me to go to Italy next year. Want to go? I need a guide.
hahaha. no worries. i like your list. in fact, i love your list. almost as i love the idea of accompanying you to italy.
i’ll wear a trenchcoat and everything.
Dude! Your bucket list is WAY cooler than anyone else’s. . . and I’ll never do a quarter of them by the time I turn. ‘Sokay, though. I don’t like your bucket list, anyway. . .
pssssh. please. it’s all by mistake.
What a great idea! Who needs all that pressure when you’ve got some great anecdotes? 😉
see? you get me.
I fucking love you. If it makes you feel any better…..you’re not alone. I think half of the things you’ve done in your life on that list….I’m sure I’ve done at one point or another, except climb the mayan ruins…..although my dad food poisoned me when I was 9.
hahah. man, food poisoning.
i’ve just haven’t experienced life.
the random pictures were my favourite part!
there are only a few places/people I will accept christmasyness from this early. . . and it would seem you are one of them. you’ve made me want to listen to christmas music. thankfully, we’re doing nothing but christmas music at choir tonight!
i don’t have a bucket list. i can’t focus long enough to come up with one. yours is pretty epic and i like your approach, though ;D I am generally a huge fan of to do lists and goals, and I set random deadlines for myself just to kick myself into gear. . . but i could never make a whole bucket list. it would never last. I have commitment issues in all things except my career. I’ve had the same “by the end of this year!” goal for 2 years now. (and each year I come close to meeting it, then christmas happens. i should really adjust my deadline to avoid this pitfall. . . )
i did set one turning 30 related goal.
no judgement.
i want a hug from mickey mouse on my 30th birthday. i announced this at a bar 2 years ago and got made fun of, but i really meant it. i had given up on making it happen about 3 months ago because no one would come to florida with me, but now one of my best friends has committed to coming with me, the time is booked off work, and i am making this happen.
(and in the territoy of lameville, i want to increase my student loan payments by my 30th birthday. currently, i am paying less than the minimum monthly payment and it will take 50 million years to pay it off. i’d like to at least meet minimum and take only 25 million years to pay it off. . . )
um. not lame to be responsible and pay off student loans earlier. i think that’s great and i can’t deal with financial debt so i did the same thing!
Now the mickey mouse thing, okay. I don’t get that. but i mean, it’s not like i don’t love you just as much. I promise. I’ve never been to Disneyland… true story.
my student debt will never go away, I’m pretty sure. I try not to think on it, because it makes me want to cry. Instead I think about how I wanted to be a vet since I was in elementary school, and now I am, so, yay broke ass me!
as for mickey mouse…. one of my earliest childhood memories involves a mickey mouse tshirt. . . for several years, every time my dad asked what movie i wanted to rent, i said sleeping beauty. . . and disney animated features are the first things i ever started collecting. . . This is a deep seeded love. And since everyone tries to make 30 into a milestone, I decided to skip town and make it a different kind of milestone far away from my ‘friends’ who whine about turning 27. . .
(it may also be me accepting the fact that age ain’t nothing but a number and i’m clearly never growing up. . . )
i like!
enough said 🙂
😉 thanks!
I love that idea. Often at work I’ll write several things on my to do list that I’ve already done just so I can cross them off, so this logic makes perfect sense to me. Blog is looking really good!
hahaha. oh we are all such lazy losers.
i love it!
Is that candle non-toxic?!
I sure hope so…
not that I’m implying I’d have any ‘issues’…
I mean…
I could totally… you know…
not gnaw on that thing.
Maybe. I think. For a while. Possibly.
🙂
hahaha. it tasted like chicken!
The first sentence of my About this Blog page reads like this: A few days after I turned 29, I made a list. This blog is not about that list.
On behalf of people who make lists, but don’t feel the need to talk about them, I thank you SO MUCH for this post. Really.
Lorna
hahah. perfect. i love it!
1st – sorry about your 3 sh*tty weeks. 🙁 i hate typed sad faces
i only lost my job and my bf in the last week, but there’s always tomorrow. 🙂 i especially hate happy smiles.
i’m much too lazy to make a bucket list. besides, having seen the nastier side of life many times, i’d rather just be content. i don’t need any thrills. thrills usually aren’t positive, so be careful what you wish for, people.
boooooooooooooo. that’s yucky.
yea and i’m with you… i’ve had enough excitement in my life to last well into my 40s
A water bug? LOL. Yuck! I was never really a believer in these until my daughter was born. Then I started thinking about it like, yeah, these are some things I’d like to do with her during my lifetime. One I have is to go to the major event for every single professional sport with her – regardless of it we like the sport or not.
Love your non-list, list. So much that I won’t try to replicate…okay?
um how about yes?
I am huge believer in list…and am seriously OCD about crossing items off ‘the list.’ I have to say a list of activities already completed is not above me…I too like to add items I’ve done to the list because I like to cross it off.
This list rocks!
I love to write a list of things i’ve already done.
i love false senses of accomplishment.
Ahem. It’s been almost 3 weeks. I’m going through Blunty withdraw!
i’m baaaaaaaaaaaack. i’m back from the abyss!
I just added “Make a Bucket List” to my Bucket List. LOL.
😉 hey you. i’ve missed ya!
Yup, I think I have to steal this idea.
DO IT!
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