My Last Words Before Turning Into A Vampire

Confessions August 1, 2010
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I cannot think of a solitary moment in life that is more optimistic than when you are listening to a high school valedictorian speech. These kids are sitting there, staring at a blank page. They have not yet been faced with life-altering decisions. Their hearts are still vaguely in one piece. They haven’t made a series of poor choices that has left [...]

33 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

I’m In A Relationship With Life, And It’s Complicated

Confessions July 30, 2010
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So what is the secret, exactly? And please refrain from referring me to the best-selling book, Secret, as highly endorsed by Oprah. I don’t care much for self-help books. Or Oprah. Or tube tops. And more obvious things like Ranch dressing and humidity. I’d say the majority of my life I’ve been what you might call “a planner.” And [...]

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I Attract Crazy People: Case Study #548

Confessions July 10, 2010
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I’m not one of those people who tries to collect Facebook friends [or as my dad calls it: FaceSpace]. Those people have deep-rooted acceptance issues stemming from childhood. That is my educated guess based on the two psychology classes I took at community college. This young man from London sent me a friend request, which I ignored, [...]

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America, This Is How Much I Love Your Beautiful Face

Confessions July 6, 2010
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I don’t get it. So you’re saying that when I said I was going to start posting on a Monday/Wednesday/Friday rotation, you thought that meant I was posting a blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday? Clearly, we have communication issues. And in the interest of breaking free from my passive-aggressive behavior, I will simply tell you [...]

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How To Avoid Awkward Encounters On Your Birthday

Confessions June 29, 2010
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Question: Why wear the world’s most unflattering, horizontal-striped dress on your birthday? Answer: So that you have something even more upsetting than your birthday to focus on. Another viable reason could be because it slightly entirely resembles The Hamburglar. Cus isn’t that what birthdays kind of are? One giant Hamburglar, sneaking up on you to steal another year? This year has [...]

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5 Things Men Do That Annoy The Crap Outta Women

Relationships June 23, 2010
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Wait, why are you holding a giant calendar with red X’s all over it? …And why is there a whistle around your neck? Did you recently become a gym teacher? STOP TAPPING YOUR FOOT! What do you mean it’s only been a week and I’ve already broken my promise of posting on Monday, Wednesday and Friday? Well, well, smartypants.. perhaps [...]

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Your Twenties: One Giant Excuse To Do Nothing

Confessions June 16, 2010
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Does it ever seem like you just keep running up against walls? No matter what way you go something unexpected happens and you find yourself in an endless cycle of spinning your wheels? And then the next thing you know, all the weeds have grown up around you and there’s just no way out? Yea. Unfortunately, we don’t really have time [...]

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About As Much As I Love Geraldo Rivera’s Mustache

Confessions June 12, 2010
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That girl. The one whose overly pushy, Sicilian boyfriend was able to convince her that entering a beauty pageant, despite the fact she was allergic to hair spray, 4-inch heels, up-dos and beauty pageants, would be a super awesome way to get scholarship money for her overpriced private college education. The one with absolutely no rhythm or hand-eye coordination, who [...]

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Marriage: This Is What It Boils Down To

Family Matters June 9, 2010
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Dad: I got serious heartburn from that strawberry shortcake.  It was the milk. Mom: Milk? I’d blame it on the strawberries. They’re so acidic. Dad: Milk contains lactic acid. Don’t ever forget it. Mom: Well I should buy lactose free milk then. Dad: You did. You were buying that Soy Milk, but then you said it was [...]

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That Time I Told Everyone Your Secrets

Confessions May 29, 2010
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“In life, we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, and an unreachable dream.” Diego Marchi I currently have strep throat. I have taken my nightly cocktail of drugs and shortly I will feel myself slipping away to reruns of Sex and the City. You know, the TBS ones sans nakedness. So as long as I’m conscious, you [...]

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