[ In case you missed the first installment, please check out Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways and then because I got equal amounts of hater/lover responses to said blog, please check out my rebuttal entitled: Dear Haters, Why Do You Love Me So Much? ] I guess hate is very strong word. [...]

[written whilst in the middle of the desert] Well.  If it wasn’t confirmed by my first trip to New Mexico four years ago, it is definitely a fact that I am allergic to the Southwest.  My body has rejected it in every possible way.  Not in the same way it rejects mayonnaise, but in the way [...]

It’s fall. If you reside in an area of the country [I like to refer to it as God's favorite] where you experience the change of seasons, then you understand the sheer elation I’m feeling at this very moment as I put on an extremely worn-in hoodie [the kind that barely keeps you warm anymore cus [...]

Again, I suck. And I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if you have abandoned me altogether.  Deleted me from your Yahoo reader. And then deleted your Yahoo account in it’s entirety strictly out of spite. Printed out and nailed up the picture of me on my Strawberry Shortcake bike and chucked various fruits and maybe even My Little Ponies at it during a [...]

My life began in a unicorn-filled meadow, where I was fed cinnamon rolls for dinner and had sweet dreams of hot pink, glitter-filled balloons.  The only thing I remember getting in trouble for was not finishing a satisfying amount of cinnamon rolls by my mother’s standard-a burden which nearly broke me.  But it was my unlikely cross to bear.  Each night, I painted the neighborhood [...]

THERE HAS BEEN A MAJOR OIL SPILL. But first, a note from our sponsors. Dear Everyone Who Reads This Blog Whether You Like It Or Not, As of late, I realize that my online presence has been replaced with tumbleweeds and probably a surplus of tears.  To attempt to explain exactly what has been going on, which has kept me [...]

As a young and awkward child, I was painfully shy and introverted.  Maybe it was my jacked up teeth.  Perhaps it was the acne.  Or my untameable, frizzy hair before I discovered straighteners or anything other than Pert Plus.  It could have been tragic the ankle-length skirts and turtlenecks enforced by my private school dress code. There’s no way of [...]

Boy, would they have alot to say. When I was trying desperately to analyze my life by using the titles of random books found around my house, I received a large number of comments on the color of my walls.  I even received some desperate emails begging for the name and brand of the paint.  And because [...]

[I'm laying on the floor photographing the above picture, when my dad walks in the room] Dad:  [said like he is trying to piece together the mystery of life]  Barbie.  Naked.  Laying on a pile of mom’s chocolate chip cookies. [laughs hysterically and then pauses for two minutes.] I don’t get it. Well, sonofagun.  Maybe I don’t either. But my mom makes some [...]

It comes as absolutely zero surprise to me that my most popular post continues to be Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways.  In fact, I still even get comments on it here and there.  Why is this?  Because everyone hates women.  And in their desperation, they have found a safe place where that ideal will not [...]

Today, while at a routine stop at the Goodwill, I put these three items on the counter.  They were exactly what I was looking for.  We don’t have the time nor resources to get into the logistics of exactly why I needed this combination of items, but one could assume that I’m a third degree pervert who is [...]

STOP THE PRESSES! If you keep reading, you will be lost and wandering through the woods like Bambi after he got ravaged by a wolf.  This is part II of a series, first you must read the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business. No really, get out of here. This is quite long, it [...]

Could you please unbundle your panties for a split second?  I’m getting around to part II of the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business, but there are more pressing matters at hand. If I’m being honest - I never cared for Pimps.  Call me a prude. Call me old-fashioned.  Call me closed-minded.  It’s probably [...]

[This is part I of a two part series, inspired by the fact that I was deleting my Myspace account.  I realized that they had saved every email correspondence from the past 6 years... it was like discovering the Pompeii of my social life. There they were, all my shennanigans.  Pefectly and horrifically preserved.] PREFACE:  To be a successful person in [...]

Let me just start by saying a big Blunt Thank You to those of you who faithfully read this blog.  I started blogging when I lost my job and needed something to distract me from accidentally running into oncoming traffic realized that I wanted to write books based on my life experiences, except I couldn’t remember half of them.  Yes, it could be partly [...]

I realize you’ve missed me, but please don’t let this hurt take a turn to Bittertown okay?  I can’t deal with that kind of drama right now.  I’m currently babysitting my best friend’s 6 month old.  Yes, the same best friend who pumps breast milk in my car and leaves it in my fridge, okay?  [...]

I am still going to blows with ESSENCE Magazine, which I never ordered and tried to cancel three times but have been receiving since January 1st.  So before I slap you in the face with one of the best memoirs my childhood has to offer, I’d like to again use this public forum to address a little [...]

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July free of sky concerts that included Neil Diamond singing “We Coming To America.”  For the first time in my meager existence, I did.  And it was everything I’d ever dreamed it would be. Lately, as I’ve jogged across the blogosphere [which is about the only place I'm jogging [...]

I have never, nor will I ever return my cart to the cart corral. Is that what they’re called?  There’s a more than staggering chance that at some point, your car has been side-swiped by a cart that I’ve left wandering aimlessly throughout the parking lot.  But with the economy the way it is and unemployment [...]

No, this isn’t a tribute to Michael Jackson.  Hi, you must be new here.  Pleasure to meet you; although I hate the word “pleasure” and refuse to use it accept over internet introductions. As mentioned, last Thursday was my much unanticipated and begrudged birthday.  Although I didn’t exactly get what I wanted - which was another year of my [...]

That would be an exact quote from my loving, very proud, first-time father the moment I was born into this world.  I thought for years this was due to the fact that he had never seen a newborn in all it’s alien likeness before; however, my mom set the record straight when she told me I was indeed, [...]

My father, a self-proclaimed hippie and raging alcoholic until the day he met my gorgeous mother, wore a brown leisure suit and platform shoes to his wedding.  I forgive him for this offense, only because my mother wore a black, sparkly pantsuit. ALERT: I’m about to get all personal up on this blog.  Something which few [...]

It’s really too bad,  you know?  I had a decent shot at being normal.  My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman.  I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet [...]

So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago.  This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods.  [...]

You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now.  I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell.  You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and [...]

Several years ago, I received a book in the mail on my birthday.  I hate birthdays, but I love books.  So you can imagine my elation, when I discovered that I’d have a new addition, which I would never read, to adorn my shelf.  To fully understand this concept, please read my explanation on How To Live The Best Fake Life You Can [...]

You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse.  Gees, people.  I’m just saying.  But on a side note, it works rather nicely.  So I’ve heard. People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken craphole [...]

 I’m the only person in the world who used to like the Sunscreen Song back in my high school days.   You know what I’m talking about… the one where Baz Leurman reads profound advice from a ‘99 valedictorian speech, accompanied by “ooo’s” from the all boys choir in the background?  The song ends with “trust me on the [...]

 Why dost thou continue to sabotage me?  Here I always thought you were on my side.  For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it.  This week, I turned a new leaf.  Whitestrips, here I come.  Jogging, here I come.  Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to [...]

I haven’t said the word “sausage” for going on 15 years.  It’s a personal protest, don’t worry about it.  Unless I’m struggling to order a pizza, this usually doesn’t present a problem.  Of course, there was that time I worked at Chuck E. Cheese all four years of high school, where pizza and little kids accidentally peeing in the [...]