Family Matters
Here is where I write about my normally yet dysfunctional, hilarious Family that I luuurve. My dad was a raging hippie; my mom the daughter of a fundamentalist Nazarene preacher. They got married at a church called Church On The Side Of The Road, where my mom wore a black pantsuit, and my dad wore a tan, suede leisure suit with platforms. What else could you possibly need to know?
I think I’ve let enough time slip by that you’ve all moved on from the holiday / New Years resolution crap right? Like, we can talk about other stuff now? As in, big picture stuff? Kgood. So I’m currently in the middle of two very important things: 1. Designing my first business cards for the [...]
I kept a journal over the past week, to help process my thoughts. It’s not the most uplifting, but, it’s life. 8.4.11 {Donuts.} I’m writing this while at the hospital, laying on the bed across from my grandpa. He’s been gasping for breath and finally admits that the smoking got the best of him – [...]
You may or may not have noticed that I write about my dad on here quite a bit. Everything from his complete and inexcusable ridiculousness to how he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. But, here’s the thing: my mom is just as cool. Isn’t that just a disgusting problem to have? In the middle [...]
So I may have mentioned my dad a time or two on this site. In case you aren’t familiar, here is a brief summary: Here’s the thing with my parents. My mom can’t turn a computer on and is still holding to her guns that The Internets will become the downfall of society. My dad [...]
UPDATE: Winner of this contest is FAUX TRIXIE! I took the total number of entries, minus those who opted out cus they live in the UK and the cookies would be gross by then and added one extra entry for those who commented on my column over at The College Crush. Sometimes, it actually pays [...]
Dad: I got serious heartburn from that strawberry shortcake. It was the milk. Mom: Milk? I’d blame it on the strawberries. They’re so acidic. Dad: Milk contains lactic acid. Don’t ever forget it. Mom: Well I should buy lactose free milk then. Dad: You did. You were buying that Soy Milk, but then you said it was [...]
Sorry if you came here looking for the answers to life. Was that title misleading? My apologies that my posts have been a bit introspective lately, I suppose that’s because I’ve been doing a lot of introspecting. Or taking a lot of sleeping pills. Either way, deal with it. P.S. I’d like to extend my utmost [...]
Really? Did I just have to throw around the “R” word to get your attention? That’s sad. Sad because I have been gone for so long that I feel like I have to throw a dramatic title at you in order to peak your interest, and sad because that just might be true. Well, joke is on you [...]
When I was young, my mom used to always shovel blueberries down my throat, whilst telling me that with every bite I was prolonging my lifespan and thwarting off cancer. Apparently, they were rumored to have the most antioxidants of anything on the earth. That was, until, the pomegranate phenomenon spread like STD wildfire throughout the country and caused my mom to [...]
THERE HAS BEEN A MAJOR OIL SPILL. But first, a note from our sponsors. Dear Everyone Who Reads This Blog Whether You Like It Or Not, As of late, I realize that my online presence has been replaced with tumbleweeds and probably a surplus of tears. To attempt to explain exactly what has been going on, which [...]
[I'm laying on the floor photographing the above picture, when my dad walks in the room] Dad: [said like he is trying to piece together the mystery of life] Barbie. Naked. Laying on a pile of mom’s chocolate chip cookies. [laughs hysterically and then pauses for two minutes.] I don’t get it. Well, sonofagun. Maybe I don’t either. [...]
Okay, the sheep. As I’ve said before, I grew up in the country. I was a poor, lonely, desperate housewife child living in the middle of nothing. At some point, I presented my father with a couple of options. And being the great father he was, he never shot down any ideas. Directly, that is. [...]
No, this isn’t a tribute to Michael Jackson. Hi, you must be new here. Pleasure to meet you; although I hate the word “pleasure” and refuse to use it accept over internet introductions. As mentioned, last Thursday was my much unanticipated and begrudged birthday. Although I didn’t exactly get what I wanted - which was another year of [...]
That would be an exact quote from my loving, very proud, first-time father the moment I was born into this world. I thought for years this was due to the fact that he had never seen a newborn in all it’s alien likeness before; however, my mom set the record straight when she told me I was indeed, [...]
My father, a self-proclaimed hippie and alcoholic until the day hemet my gorgeous mother, wore a brown leisure suit and platform shoes to his wedding. I forgive him for this offense, only because my mother wore a black, sparkly pantsuit. I’m amazed my father had any sense at all when it came to raising a child. [...]
You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse. Gees, people. I’m just saying. But on a side note, it works rather nicely. So I’ve heard. People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken [...]
It’s no wonder I don’t make any sense. I’m a combination of two polar opposites, who by all rights, should never have met much less married. My mother came from a Nazi-strict household where she wasn’t allowed to see movies or go to football games, for fear she would encounter Satan himself. She also wasn’t allowed to celebrate Christmas which explains why [...]
What exactly is it with the Recycle Bin on my desktop? And why is it that every time I go to empty it, I accidentally delete it? And why is it that when I go to search for it in my computer, it says ‘no results found?’ And why is my computer trying so hard [...]
This is a snapshot of my life on any given day. …Piles of unopened mail. …30 different notepads with in-decipherable scribbles of random thoughts that I’ve written down when I was supposed to be hanging out with someone. After Easter, the Cadbury chocolate bar could be easily substituted for Reeses or anything but Milk Duds. [...]
It’s Easter. I’m sitting next to my dad in church. All of the sudden, right before the service starts he turns to me and grabs my arm: Dad: Oh, you know what? Me: What’s that? Dad: I heard Yanni is coming out with a new CD. If this conversation isn’t the right way to kick off Easter, [...]
One of my goals for 2009 was to “stop fabricating the truth” so that means that what you are about to witness is definitely legit. My family is hilarious. We’re like the token Italian family they always showcase in movies, who talk over eachother and have 8 different conversations happening at once. Except, my mom [...]
