Could you please unbundle your panties for a split second?  I’m getting around to part II of the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business, but there are more pressing matters at hand. If I’m being honest - I never cared for Pimps.  Call me a prude. Call me old-fashioned.  Call me closed-minded.  It’s probably [...]

No, this isn’t a tribute to Michael Jackson.  Hi, you must be new here.  Pleasure to meet you; although I hate the word “pleasure” and refuse to use it accept over internet introductions. As mentioned, last Thursday was my much unanticipated and begrudged birthday.  Although I didn’t exactly get what I wanted - which was another year of my [...]

You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now.  I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell.  You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and [...]

As usual, I couldn’t sleep. I ended up watching a classic movie.  You know, black and white… Cary Grant…  some painfully prudish woman, who never takes off her apron and high heels.  And let me tell you something: it sucked.  Hardcore. I know that saying you like to drink coffee and watch “old movies” on a [...]

Dear Matthew McConaughey, Can you make a different movie already?  Wait.  What was that?  OH, you can’t.  It’s physically impossible?  Okay.  So I can just expect the same movie with the same plot, where you discover you were some sort of “bet,” and then you get fake mad, and then storm out, only to read an article that [...]

I think now would be a perfect time to discuss goals.  Making them, keeping them.  For example, one of my goals in the New Year was to stop procrastinating. Actually, you know what?  I don’t have time for this, let’s talk about it next week.  But what I DO think we should talk about today is [...]

I have problems.  Many, actually.  But we have bigger fish to fry.  You wanna know who has bigger problems than me?  Creeptowns.   On my old blog, I wrote a few warnings about Creeptowns, which I haven’t yet incorporated into this website.  But this is a matter so dear, so close to my heart, that I cannot bear [...]

Come on in.  Pop open a cold one (non-alcoholic, of course, cus I need you to keep it classy and focus on what I’m saying).  Grab all your friends and sit Indian style on the mat.   Please don’t be concerned if you can’t sit Indian style, the more important problem is, why don’t you have any friends?   Men, I especially want [...]

It’s time for some tough love.  This is one instance where I do encourage you to follow in the footsteps of my petite and sufficiently pumice-stoned feet.  There comes a time in your life when you realize that the majority of your friends are on the slow train to nowhere.  Such a time came for me about three years ago.  My [...]

My first “breakup” occurred in Middle School.  Granted, we’d never gone on one single date, but we definately ate lunch together and stuff.   I remember it as clearly as the white turtleneck dickie that so unfortunately adorned my collarbone.  Within one split second of reaching my locker, I went from being a girl with a [...]

I apologize if none of this makes sense.  Someone just smacked me upside the head.  I’m currently asphyxiated by the fumes of scrubbing bubbles.  Considering I don’t clean my shower until it’s borderline orange (but I can’t ever tell because the lights are always so dim)  (I can’t help it my dad’s an electrician and [...]

To say that I was an awkward middle-schooler would be to say that grass is green.  Or Obama is the Messiah.  Or half of my teeth need fillings.  There were so many things wrong with me that I might actually have been considered “cute.”  In an unfortunate kind of way, of course.   My parents always did [...]

After all these years…       after all the pain we’ve been through.          After waiting in obscene lines with hundreds of other equally pathetic women only to watch Titanic for the tenth time, thinking that somehow this time Rose might not be such a stingy lovestruck beotch and would let you hop on that raft for a just couple seconds [...]

Much in the same way a late night infomercial can mesmerize even the most disenchanted observer, I am about to mesmerize you with my savvy knowledge of life and relationships. Only one more day until you are free from your past.  It’s time to grab hold of your future and ride it into the sunset.  [...]