If These Walls Could Talk

Posted on August 11th, 2009 at 2:26 am by blunt delivery

45


If These Walls Could Talk

Boy, would they have alot to say.

When I was trying desperately to analyze my life by using the titles of random books found around my house, I received a large number of comments on the color of my walls.  I even received some desperate emails begging for the name and brand of the paint.  And because I love you, and because I live to put a smile on your face, and because I’m willing to overlook the fact that you cared much less about me trying to diagnose myself than you did about my paint color… I will now reveal all my secrets.  

Okay, not all of them.  Puh-lease, it’s not like you all have a couple spare months to do nothing but sip wine and listen to all of my pent-up secrets.  But, can we just imagine how theraputic it would be if you did?  For me, of course.

living-room2

So, um, it’s not paint.

UGH. Fine. I’ll tell the story. Put the gun away already.

When I moved in, I painted them a Tuscan yellow - which you should fully understand since you know I’m obsessed with all things Italian.  That was nice…. until yellow grabbed my house by the balls and wouldn’t let go.  I had a yellow couch, yellow walls, yellow paintings, yellow flowers….who can deal with that much yellow?  No me, that’s who. 

So I thought:  Green.  Yea.  Green was what I needed.  I spent countless days just finding the perfect shade to coordinate with all my stuff.  After a couple months, I got everything taped off and ready to go.  With the first swipe of paint, a wave of disappointment swept over me.  Well, you can go home now cus there’s no green to see here, kids.  I know what you’re thinking: well duh, you are painting over yellow so it’s gonna look yellow.  Well, duh is right, which is why I painted some on a piece of wood.  And nope.  Still bright and shining as the golden sun.

Then I proceeded to go to Home Depot and chew the paint specialist guy a new one cus the color looked nothing like the sample I requested. The colors didn’t even live on same continent.  In fact, they couldn’t even communicate cus one spoke an ancient Chinese dialect that was indigenous to it’s province.  Hello, are you still with me?  So paint specialist guy gives me some schpiel about how the lighting affects the paint and blah blah blah.  While he was talking, all I could think of was the time that I worked at Home Depot and snored my way through those very same “become a paint specialist classes.”  Yea, whatever you say Paco.

Me: Listen.  I know the lights are different here than in my house.  And thank God for that because flourescents make me want to vomit and never show my face in society.  But I put it on regular wood and stood in the sunlight and it’s not friggen green..  Just make it more green, okay? 

Paint Specialist:  Well, okay. Let me add a little more gray to it then and see what we can do.

Boyfriend: What do you say we just add more green?

A very valid question.  He also mixes me a primer for the walls, which he insists if painted over the yellow, will fix all my problems.  I asked him if it would also fix my uncontrollable urge to litter and to make illogical statements purely for shock value.  He didn’t respond.  

I slapped the primer all over my walls.  After it dried, I started with the new green.  Well.  It looked like a baby relieved himself all over my walls.  That was my third attempt to co-exist with green walls, so finally I said, screw this.  And there you have it. 

The color of my walls is now mystery blue primer color.

**I realize this in no way helps any of you in your plight to copy my walls.  And for that, I would ask you to direct your complaints to the Home Depot customer service department.  Thank you in advance.

P. freakin S.  All of you simply rock.  Yes, you.  I seriously have the bestest readers in the blogosphere!  You guys are so loyal and have been so full of encouragement and kind words lately that my ice-cold heart is quasi melting.  Baby steps.

Tags:  , , , , , , , , , , , ,