Okay, the sheep.
As I’ve said before, I grew up in the country. I was a poor, lonely, desperate housewife child living in the middle of nothing. At some point, I presented my father with a couple of options. And being the great father he was, he never shot down any ideas. Directly, that is.
Me: Sooooooo, I was thinking.
Dad: Yes?
Me: Well, since we live soooooo far away from everything, wouldn’t it make sense for me to get a horse?
Dad: Why would that make sense?
Me: So then I could go places.
Dad: Do you have any idea what it requires to take care of a horse?
Me: Yes. And I can say that with absolute certainty, after watching the neighbors.
Dad: But you don’t even take care of the cats – I end up doing it.
Me: I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Mom does it most the time.
Dad: Well, horses are rather expensive, how about we get something a little cheaper and easier to practice on first?
Me: And then I can get a horse?
Dad: Of course.
Me: Okay. What did you have in mind?
For the next 2.5 years, I woke up at 5 am and transported 10 buckets of water and oats out to my pathetic herd of sheep that seemingly multiplied by the day. We started with two. Again, after school I’d have to rush home to repeat the feeding ritual. Then before bed, again. Three meals a day? What are these things, PEOPLE? Actually, no, they are just fat freaking lazy animals that you can’t ride, which have no self control and eat all their food in two minutes, thus it needs constant replenishing. Of course, in the wintertime, this ritual involved a snowsuit and a lot of tears. No one hates cold weather more than me. Every time I went to the barn, all the water buckets were frozen. As I sat on the dirt floor and chipped away at the ice so I could refill the buckets, I would pray for God to remove this burden from me. As I was praying, I felt my desire for a horse evaporate into thin air.
Eventually, my dad sold the sheep to some guy who turned them into a fine dining experience. All eleven of them. Last week, as we were reminiscing about this experience, I made a very disturbing discovery.
Me: Hey, remember when I wanted a horse, but you bought me SHEEP?%$#^!
Dad: [laughs] Oh man. That was funny. Well, you know I did the same thing with your brother.
Me: You did?
Dad: Yea, he wanted a horse too so I made him take care of the neighbor’s one for a winter. After that I said, “So do you want the horse or the motorcycle?” He took the motorcycle.
Me: Wait. What? Motorcycle. He got a motorcycle?! That is total crap. I didn’t get ANYTHING.
Dad: You never asked.
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{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Madam,
I has come to our understanding that you are receiving Essence magazine and are not happy with your subscription. In your letter you state, “Now if you want to write an article on how I can keep my jeans from falling off, maybe you’ll stop receiving these letters.” After further research we discovered that indeed you had not subscribed to our magazine but rather our sister magazine. We have corrected the error.
Ongoing you will no longer be receiving Essence Magazine in the mail. Instead you will be getting the magazine you originally ordered “Skinny Bitch”
Thank you for your understanding and sorry for the confusion.
- Essence Subscription Manager
hahah bearman. this would be appropriate considering the amount of times i’ve been called that in my life. Its like, dude, can i help it that i don’t have hip bones? trust me, i’d rather be able to keep my pants on. but anyway, thanks for clearing that up essence!
suldog – oh, no you di’int just leave that comment. but you did.
I also did stuff with sheep when I was younger. Nothing I can write about, though.
From size 20 to 6 with no surgery? That explains the sound I’ve been hearing around town. Loose skin flapping in the wind.
ok jill – first question. do you freaking get any of my comments?! cus when i submit them nothing happens. it doesn’t say waiting for approval or anything. i just left one on your post today,so let me know if all my efforts are in vain.
brandon – its SO true. my dad was brilliant, a genius, perhaps. Although we all hated the sheep and they were quite the hassle, we did grow rather fond of them after awhile. especially when the little ones were born, they were fluffy and cute. but then when it came to taking care of them we were like screw it.
I’m not entirely convinced the “size 20 to 6″ wasn’t a typo, and they really meant “size 2 to 6″, since that seems to be the common trend. And since that’s likely the case, their funding should be pulled because no one likes a fat girl. No one.
As for your father, he has now presented me with inspiration on how to con things out of my kids in the future that they wouldn’t normally do. Want a pony? Do this mundane crap task for the next 2 years to prove that you can handle it, and by the time those 2 years are up, odds are you could care less about a pony anymore. Want a car? Go wash and detail mine all year to prove you’re capable of maintaining it.
Man, kids are awesome cheap manual labor. If only they didn’t screw up so much.
I wonder what kind of boote’ Mr. Elba desires? I want the full scoop!
yorks… i’ll call and have them all forwarded to YOU
Oh god, I just peed in my pants at work at this post. I’m lucky I’m going on vacation and therefore someone else will have to deal with the clean up your getting scammed into raising sheep has caused the facilities workers in my building.
They thank you, blunt delivery. Oh how they thank you.
And to clear up your whole who the eff is Idris Elba, I think he’s that drug dealer from the Wire. Ummmm- Stringer Bells. That reminds me that because of that show I feel I am ready to undertake the whole selling drugs in a slum in baltimore thing.
lola – Please apologize to your coworkers that my dad is such a crafty fellow with devious plans and life lessons. Also apologize to them that my life is so ridiculous. This might not be the last of messes they’ll have to clean up.
I was wondering if anyone would find this remotely funny, because I burst out into uncontrollable laughter everytime i read it. but then again, i actually fell for this terrible ploy, so i think that makes it a bit more funny to me.
See, and it’s because of posts like this that I have give aways over at my place. Come by and get your award my dear
skye— you are too good to me. if you could see me right now, i’d have a sheepish grin. pun intended. SMOOCHES!
Kevo – my brother is an @ss. he was like 8 yrs older than me and we never communicated, so i had no idea of his scamming ways. total CRAP.
so…. the print industry is crumbling and the way essence responds is with the hard hitting journalism that is “What makes Stringer Bell horny”- oh thank the god. that should save print from collapse.
your brother knew how to work the system.
I am sure Lola’s inability to retain water could be a cause for not keeping a relationship…Lola is there trouble in your romantic life?
bearman – lola is my evil twin. does that clear things up?
jen – and i fear, that you are right. hahaha, yes, the raw end of the deal would be putting it lightly. seriously, sheep are worthless!
v – thank you so much and welcome!! a lawyer? yay, i love people who know how to argue. i have the feeling this is the start of something wonderful
I fear you will forever be in the clutches of Essence. Perhaps, you are the demographic they are truly longing for.
I have two horses and they are far too much work. I don’t even keep them where I live. Someone else takes care of them. You did get the raw end of the deal. Sheep. They stink and cannot be ridden. I feel for you friend.
omg, i love it. hilarious. i had a similar experience with a plus-size magazine that i received nonstop for months when i first moved into an apartment in texas. i don’t know how or why i got on the list, though now that i’m a chubby lawyer, it would probably come in handy. love love love your site.
This is me dying a little inside
…I haven’t gotten your comments. Last one was the ? about Chick-fil-a.
jill— i fixed the problem. VISTA SUCKS.
Umm I’m wondering ig #5 is also the explaination for #3. I’m just saying.
linlah- your ability to problem solve astounds me.
mvd- i’ve had just about enough of your midwestern wise cracks, okay.
theresa – WTF is right?! i have no earthly idea. yea, i’m with you… i have no idea where the lesson was in that one. i guess just to teach me that i really didn’t want a horse. hah
Christ, I wouldn’t even know where the hell to buy a farm animal, much less how to raise one. Are they advertised in the phone book yellow pages? Do midwestern Wal-Marts feature a livestock section?
WTF is up with Essence. Do they know something you don’t? Hmm…Good luck with that. Anyway, cute post. Aren’t dads awesome. Always a lesson in there for us kids. Wait, I don’t remember the lesson he taught you in this one. Hmm. Maybe dads just have a really bad sense of humor.
Who is Idris Elba?
I lead such a sheltered life…it’s pathetic.
zelzee- -i have no fricken clue. you’re sheltered? i’m pretty sure you haven’t gone three weeks straight without leaving your house… or your bathrobe.
george – haha. its all a ploy. everything i write is selectively written to lure you in. i know which words your eyes accidentally skim over, and i use it to my advantage. sorry.
You should’ve read the article, Brit. Then you would have known that Idris is turned on profusely by sexy, neurotic white girls with big vocabularies and commitment issues. Brunettes, too.
But, then again, so is Craig Babin. Hmm….
Oh, and to be honest, when I first saw the title to this blog, I neglected to see the word ‘Raising’. You know how to captivate me into reading with my own dyslexic perversion.
So my dear girl, you love me so much you not only give me smooches but you also follow my blog not once but twice!?! I’m so flattered
I just wish I could stop ending up in your spam pile!
oh, skye… i thought i was already following it but i wasn’t sure… so i mean, it can’t hurt.
marie – hey! thanks for stopping by. i luuuuurve new faces. soooo, what you’re saying is i should get a pony?
Hiya, stumbled across your blog by going thro comments on Pioneer Woman & randomly clicking to look at people’s blogs
Anyway – I was the child that got the pony, although the best experience for me was actually getting her. She turned out to be an old riding school pony with a very big attitude problem, and I didn’t know how to ride! So after being bucked off numerous times I gave up & told my dad to sell her. So maybe you were better off getting the sheep? My dad couldn’t really go the sheep route for me cos we already had a few hundred of them on the farm!
Woops….I was the girl who got the pony that grew to a horse and only had to brush it and show up for riding lessons. Yeah….I was that tightly pulled ponytail brat. But I never ever had a sheep.
Hey and about that subscription that won’t go away…..I started getting lame mags like Lucky, Glamour and such after making purchases from Sephora. They auto your name and address to the rag mag pimps.
Hope your day is beautiful
robin – what the crap?! you’re like the 8th person who GOT the pony. gees.
candice – oh candice… “lasted” is such a loose term
Oh man, I wanted a horse too!!! So so so badly. I started saving for one, but got distracted by a computer. Clever father though…and I really can’t believe you lasted over two years feeding those sheep. I would have lasted a week.
The last thing I rode (oh, should say the last ANIMAL I rode) was at a donkey basketball game (ever hear of that?) in a high school gymnasium full of people. (I was a radio deejay and this was a station promotion.) They set me up and gave me the baddest donkey there, which immediately bucked me off! I went flying onto my rear end on the hardwood floor. (The crowd loved that..hurt like you wouldn’t believe.) In those days, I often didn’t wear underwear, and the back of my pants split open. I got a call at work the next day from a girl who said, “Hey, you got a nice butt!”
tim. if i instated day of the week alliterations around here that comment would fall under “TMI THURSDAYS.” just saying.
Funny stuff ..you are a great storyteller…Zman
you are effing hilarous. an award? for you? yes! Come pick it up over at LLOL
funnyrunner – you are oh so gracious my dear. I am completely undeserving of awards and the like, but that being said… I PROUDLY ACCEPT!!!
According to their web site, 8.1 million people subscribe to Essence Magazine. Apparently you don’t know what you’re missing…
Dropped in from Lola’s blog pimp featuring you the other day, and holy crap, am I glad I did! That girl is totally wonderful in basically every way, but I’ve just discovered that you are, too. How awesome is that? (For me, anyway.)
Essence magazine looks like it’s good fodder for hacking, and it’d almost be a waste of an accidental free subscription to try and make them take it back. That stuff was GOLD – just think of all the wasted opportunities if you are successful in getting them to cancel it
I have to admit that I was a little scared when you related the conversation you had with your dad about a sheep being a potential replacement for a horse… I mean, I’m all for a bit of naughty, but sheep-riding stories are not really my bag. Luckily, they aren’t yours either. Too freakin’ funny. Although I still think you should demand a motorbike. Never too late to try, right?
thanks for stopping by teacup! i saw you over there too and was planning a trip to your part of town. but its better that we just don’t bring up ESSENCE anymore.
Moral of the story. Never do something for nothing. Ah ha
u speak the truth kristin
New here, love your attitude!
OH man, terrible, yet awesome. If I ever squirt a kid out, I’m definitely going to torture it with such experiments. Seems to be the only highlight to having children. And, um, I’d like to be pancaked by Idris Elba, so if you wouldn’t mind…what DOES turn him on?! Little white girls I pray!
Hey Stranger – Its been awhile!
You know – back in the day when my boyfriend cheated on me… I went to the grocery store and got every single card I could find out to order those magainzes out of the magazine rack. I then filled every single one of them out for “the other woman” and checked “Bill Me Later”
Scorned any women lately?
Went through this same thing except it was PEOPLE. I really hadn’t ordered it. They gave me such a run around that I just ended up keeping the subscription for a year. That was probably their evil plan and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker
I felt the need to dig up this old post to say: I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THE BUTT COMMENT. I have virtually no hips and no butt (I resent the term “boyish figure”) and I have an ongoing battle with pants. Every couple days I have to put my jeans in the dryer.
I remember when I was younger everyone would get all pumped up when Baby Got Back came on, and I’d be all self-conscious. Girls would be like “Haha you don’t have a butt.” Whatever, I don’t have thunder thighs either.
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