June 2009

June 29, 2009

Don’t Matter If You’re Black Or White – Just Pick One

No, this isn’t a tribute to Michael Jackson. Hi, you must be new here. Pleasure to meet you; although I hate the word “pleasure” and refuse to use it accept over internet introductions.

As mentioned, last Thursday was my much unanticipated and begrudged birthday. Although I didn’t exactly get what I wanted - which was another year of my life back, to be wildly successful, and to have a never ending supply of buffalo wings and Edys peach pie ice cream [which much to my utter horror I have discovered is a limited edition] – the world did suffer a loss of tragic proportions with the passing of it’s King of Pop and Fair-Feathered Farrah. I like to think I got even. But don’t think I’m without compassion for the rest of you.

michael_jacksonyoung-1 Dear World,

You seem to be freaking out a bit. Do you need to borrow some of my mom’s Xanacs? Cus they’ve certainly come in handy during the past ten few years of my life. And I could definitely hook you up with some. I know where she hoards hides them.

Just asking ‘cus I care,

Blunt.

P.S. Sorry I had a birthday.

Speaking of Michael Jackson, my parents were at my house when “the news” surfaced. My mom, a long time supporter of Michael, was beside herself. She didn’t quite collapse in the same fashion as Elizabeth Taylor, but nonetheless, she was stunned.

Me: I just got like 8 texts saying that Michael Jackson died.

Mom: JACKSON? What? That can’t be right.

Me: No, I just checked the computer, he’s definitely dead.

Mom: You’ve got to be kidding me? HOW? When? WHERE?!?

Me: MOM.

Mom: Mmmm… that’s sooooo sad. So talented. Nobody could entertain like him. Well, Elvis. Except him. Michael and Elvis. Ugh….and he died too early too.

Dad: But he was so weird.

Mom: He was a tortured soul, Denny.

Dad: He molested little boys.

Mom: He was really messed up. And he had an awful childhood. Besides, you don’t know that for sure.

Dad: Sherri, they found boys’ underware all over his house.

Mom: Well, that’s true. I forgot about that.

Me: So did you make me a pie or what?

P.S. Michael, I’d like to just say that I’m sorry for that Halloween blog I wrote last year, where I used a close up of your face and said something to the effect of “count your blessings.” I’m not sure exactly what it said, but it was definitely out of my normal good character and sound judgement. So just for that, I did fashion a tribute of sorts. And this is how I shall choose to remember you, always.

michael-jackson-greatest-performances

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That’s My Daughter? She Sure Is Stone Ugly

Confessions June 25, 2009

That would be an exact quote from my loving, very proud, first-time father the moment I was born into this world. I thought for years this was due to the fact that he had never seen a newborn in all it’s alien likeness before; however, my mom set the record straight when she told me I was indeed, [...]

44 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dad, You Look Like A Pencil With A Frizzy Top

Confessions June 22, 2009

My father, a self-proclaimed hippie and alcoholic until the day hemet my gorgeous mother, wore a brown leisure suit and platform shoes to his wedding. I forgive him for this offense, only because my mother wore a black, sparkly pantsuit. I’m amazed my father had any sense at all when it came to raising a child. [...]

50 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those

Confessions June 19, 2009

It’s really too bad, you know? I had a decent shot at being normal. My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman. I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet [...]

37 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear Me 10 Years Ago,

Confessions June 16, 2009

So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago. This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods. [...]

46 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear ESSENCE Magazine,

Confessions June 11, 2009

You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now. I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell. You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and [...]

42 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear Midwest, Without You I’d Be Famous

Confessions June 6, 2009

You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse. Gees, people. I’m just saying. But on a side note, it works rather nicely. So I’ve heard. People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken [...]

40 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Sunscreen

Confessions June 1, 2009

I’m the only person in the world who used to like the Sunscreen Song back in my high school days. You know what I’m talking about… the one where Baz Leuhrman reads profound advice from a ’99 valedictorian speech, accompanied by “Ooo’s” from the all boys choir in the background? The song ends with “trust me on the [...]