I want you all to know that it’s so deliriously late right now that I don’t even have any midnight oil left, I’m running on fumes. Or smoke. Or whatever would be left after you’ve burnt a crap ton of oil. Coldplay is my only companion at such an hour, so consider yourselves a priority. And I’m about to mesmerize you with an amazing story much like the late night infomercial I’m currently watching that has rendered me speechless with it’s magical powers of persuasion.
But, wait, don’t you always burn the midnight oil, therefore, this blog right now really isn’t much of a sacrifice?
What is this CSI? Can you ever just chill the frack out?
I have written you an extra juicy, albeit a bit lengthy post as I’ll probably have to skip a few days for a charity event I’m helping with. So. Paris guy. I’ve briefly mentioned him a couple times, and many of you have asked for further detail. Well, I’m going to give it to you so you can stop your begging already… you’re more pathetic than my Italian grandma on Thanksgiving.
grandma: Look at all this food. Oh goodness sakes, what am I gonna do with all of this FOOD? Will someone eat something, please? Britteny, can I dish you up some more potatoes, doll?
me: I can’t breathe.
grandma: [sounding as if she might burst into the ugly cry] Well, what did I make all this food for then? I don’t have anywhere to put it. I thought I told you kids to bring your appetites. Doesn’t anything taste good? Oh, now it’s going to go to waste. We can’t waste food, God won’t appreciate that.
me: It tastes great. Exactly like every Thanksgiving for the past 26 years of my life when we’ve had this conversation.
grandma: This is terrible. And so is my food. [welling up]
So Paris Guy and I dated a little over a year. He would also be the ex that inspired the blog “Teenage Acne and an Italian Boyfriend” in case you’re wondering. I discovered he had proposed to his previous fiance in Disneyland. Wha?
ex: You haven’t ever been to Disneyland? I can’t BELIEVE that! I’m taking you there soon.
me: No you’re not. I am not going to Disneyland.
ex: But it’s so much fun.
me: How would that be fun for me? I throw up on rides and Mickey Mouse creeps me out and I hate fairy tales.
Anyway, things were getting rough. I needed to breathe. I did what any sensible girl would do in my situation: I ran away to London. Of all the great lengths I’ve gone to in my life, I’d have to award myself 5 stars for pulling off this shennanigan. But then, he came to take me to Paris on Valentine’s Day and my roommate accidentally told me he wanted to propose. Great.
I had specifically warned him that I was not ready for marriage. I wanted to be done with school first. When we arrived in Paris, I came down with influenza almost instantaneously after setting foot on French soil (my stomach was either rejecting the vast amount of grease I was about to consume, or the impending proposal, or just the French in general). As we toured the city, in pouring down hail, I could barely hold my head up. He then took me to see a show at the Moulin Rouge, which ended with him leaving his wallet in the cab and us wandering around the red light district for several hours with no money or way to get home. The romance was so thick in the air, that I nearly said yes.
He left me with the ring, I don’t know why. Then he went off the deep end and tried to sabotage all my friendships back home… some of the not as close friends actually fell for it. After I got back, he coerced me into couple’s therapy, which you can read about in “Why My Shrink Sucked.” I eventually tried returning the ring, but it got stolen out of my glovebox when I let one of my friends borrow my car.
And I lived happily ever after without him.
April 4th, 2009 → 11:35 pm
[...] was my long awaited knight in shining armor. You can read about how dead wrong I was about that here. Ok. Let’s start over. Once upon a time, before developing my completely pessimistic realistic [...]
April 16th, 2009 → 8:50 pm
[...] turns out he was bipolar, who knew. And too Italian. And his breath was funky at random [...]
April 25th, 2009 → 5:33 pm
[...] course, Paris proposal guy is an exception to this. He was was an “E” - but I hate him so much that I decided [...]
June 9th, 2009 → 8:59 pm
[...] It had been exactly one year since I’d broken up with ”E” a.k.a. Paris proposal guy / bipolar Italian guy. Oh…Really? Now, how many times do I have to tell you that my [...]
June 16th, 2009 → 4:09 am
[...] - In regards to Paris, please don’t go. Just trust me on this one. #13 -Stick to your guns on studying abroad in South America. [...]
June 25th, 2009 → 12:59 am
[...] deceive you. Six. My store was broken into, my purse was stolen twice, my engagement ring from Bi-Polar Italian Guy was stolen out of my car by a friend, my employee stole $4,ooo from me, and Slumdog [...]
July 17th, 2009 → 11:44 pm
[...] grew exponentially when I actually went to Italy and saw it for myself. Double unfortunately, Paris Proposal Guy also came and he was a Mr. Grumpy McBipolar Crazypants the whole time. He almost, almost ruined [...]
July 22nd, 2009 → 2:37 am
[...] 4. Five Days In Paris. Please change to “Five Days In Paris Accompanied By: A Hailstorm, A Robbery, The Stomach Flu, Ungodly Frizzy Hair, World’s Meanest People, Mystery Meats Cooked In Too Much Butter, And An Unwanted Proposal.” [...]
August 28th, 2009 → 4:33 am
[...] 3. Have you or do you ever plan on dating me and then consequentially holding two years of my life hostage, while you discover that you, in fact, will never sort out your secret drug addiction or self-destructive tendencies? [...]