February 2009

February 27, 2009

Dear Leonardo DiCaprio,

in Confessions

After all these years…

leonardo-dicaprio-kurt-cameron-growing-pains

After all the pain we’ve been through.
kate-winslet-leonardo-dicaprio-titanic

After waiting in obscene lines with hundreds of other equally pathetic women only to watch Titanic for the tenth time, thinking that somehow this time Rose might not be such a stingy lovestruck hag and would let you hop on that raft for a just couple seconds to escape a watery death.

leonardo-dicaprio-gisele

After all the times I’ve turned a blind eye as you’ve blatantly cheated on me with many an anorexic  underwear model from various continent.

leonardo-dicaprio-environmentalist

After all of this, I want you to know that I don’t just love you for the fact that you are trying to single-handedly save the planet one recyclable grocery bag at a time.

I love you in spite of that.

Environmentally unconsciously yours,

Blunt.

p.s  Is it bad if  I leave all the lights on in my house while I drive around in my Suburban and chuck plastic water bottles out the window for fun?

{ 3 comments }

How To Avoid The Dentist For Life

Confessions February 26, 2009
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Throughout the ages,  many philosophers have attempted to answer the question, “Why would I rather be tied up in a glass box and left for dead in the Sahara desert than go to the Dentist?” For me, it started when I was six.  It’s bad enough that I inherited my mother’s unbelievably awful teeth, and I always had an average of three [...]

2 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Like Black On A Chalkboard

Family Matters February 24, 2009
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One of my goals for 2009 was to “stop fabricating the truth”  so that means that what you are about to witness is definitely legit. My family is hilarious.  We’re like the token Italian family they always showcase in movies, who talk over eachother and have 8 different conversations happening at once.  Except, my mom [...]

2 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

7 Reasons to Despise Neil Diamond

Confessions February 23, 2009
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Why 7?  Because it’s God’s number. 1.  The biggest, bushiest, salt -and -peppery sideburns of all time.  That goes without saying. 2.  Songs like Cracklin’ Rosie,  Really?  What does that even mean.  Cracklin oat-bran?  Cracklin fire? … or perhaps you meant to say cracklin whip?   Cus you’re a pervert? 3.  He’s a pervert.  Not only did [...]

9 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Kenny Chronicles: How We Met

Confessions February 22, 2009
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Kenny is my best-metro-guy-friend.  He’s the marshmallow in my hot chocolate.  I have a habit of using our interactions to get a cheap laugh on my website.  It’s high time you understood how we met. It was a cold and rainy night several years ago. Well, I don’t know about all that, but it was [...]

13 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Kenny Chronicles: A Conversation at Starbucks

Confessions February 22, 2009
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Kenny, my metrosexual best friend and I meet at a bookstore or Starbucks on a quasi-regular basis to discuss our issues. I think we feel that the bookstore-ish surroundings make us more intellectual than we actually are, which in turn helps us more quickly penetrate to the heart of our problems.  Of course, this isn’t [...]

9 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

5 Reasons Not To Date An Only Child

Confessions February 21, 2009
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  What I’m really here to talk about is dating a middle child.  I’m not one, but I’m here to tell you that if you are it’s okay.  A middle child is not the one you need to worry about… it’s the only child thats the problem.  For the love of everything peaceful, do not [...]

12 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Back When I Was A Gang Member

Confessions February 21, 2009

Imagine if you will,  a young lady full of promise, who always got A’s on her report card.   The very thought of seeing disappointment on her parent’s faces prompted her to never disobey their rules.  She played quietly, said “thank you,” and helped her mother, (who had her dishwasher ripped out of the kitchen in [...]

6 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

My Lemonade Stand Can Beat Up Your Lemonade Stand

Confessions February 21, 2009
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My entrepreneurial spirit and business savvy disposition began at an extremely young age.  Younger than most. I remember waking up at 5 am., walking over to my neighbor’s  house, and telling him that he needed to get his butt in gear and come help me make the cranberry juice.  (neither of our moms ever had [...]

4 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Finding Myself, Losing My Sanity

Confessions February 21, 2009
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It’s a day for introspection, my friends… Before, after, and during my college years, I was told by many a new agey individual and philosophy teacher that I needed to “discover who I was” or “find myself” or get in tune with “my inner person” or whatever.  The only thing about myself that I ever [...]

5 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

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